Seymour’s Solicitation: God Save Me

On September 6, the New England Patriots traded Richard Seymour to the Oakland Raiders. Most players join their new squads immediately. Seymour ignored the inevitable and requested divine intervention.
[People’s Baptist Church: Boston, Massachusetts]

[Richard Seymour kneels before an alter]

Richard Seymour: God, it’s me.

God: Richard. With what I’ve seen on sportscenter, I’m surprised you have the time.

Richard Seymour: Are you busy?

God: Just watching the game, having a Bud.
Richard Seymour: God, I’ve always said faith, family, football.

God: I know you have.

Richard Seymour: My wife and I pray and we would’ve gone to church, but I had to work.

God: I understand.

Richard Seymour: Then why?

God: I’m kind of into testing people and after $54 million, five pro bowls, and three titles, you deserved some adversity.
Richard Seymour: Weren’t there other options? Disease... Injury…. What about an illegitimate child?

God: Each of those were to simplistic. Diseases are curable. You’ve had injuries. And I tried an illegitimate child with Tom Brady…

Richard Seymour: But, why the Raiders?

God: After Al Davis, Randy Moss’ escape, Super Bowl XXXVII, and the Tuck Rule, don’t you think I owed them?

Contributors: Spastik Moose & Platinum Smalls

Brownie, Speedy Al Discuss Draft Picks

Mike Brown is an incompetent owner whose approach is asinine and whose draft selections achieve drama and incarceration. Al Davis is an incontinent owner whose approach is ancient and whose draft selections speed is as spectacular as their nonperformance. The obtuse oligarchs remain oblivious, as evidenced by the pair’s recent conversation…
Al Davis: Brownie, I’m sorry about Andre Smith.
Mike Brown: Thanks, Al. We’ve dealt with irresponsible rookies before. Justin Smith became a great player.
Al Davis: Justin Smith… You took him when we took Derrick Gibson?
Mike Brown: I liked Gibson… Busted when he offered ten dollars for sex... He could have learned from Deltha O’Neal, Frostee Rucker, and Odell Thurman.
Al Davis: You know who I liked? Chris Perry… Excellent speed for where you chose him.
Mike Brown: You would know all about that, Al. Has Heyward-Bey held onto any balls that were handed to him?
Al Davis: He’s held onto as many as Leon Hall, who’s slower than most fullbacks.
Mike Brown: Like your defensive backs are prizes. Tyler Brayton, Michael Huff, Fabian Washington… Phillip Buchanon is the only one we considered. Three years at Miami, you know he’s punched a cop or three.
Al Davis: Nnamdi Asomughac went to the Pro Bowl. And let’s talk about your picks… Levi Jones, David Pollack, Keith Rivers… You choosing football players or people to move your furniture?
Mike Brown: Have we ever chosen anyone you would’ve?
Al Davis: Carson Palmer… California boy… Throws a great deep ball… That was a heck of a job Brownie…
Mike Brown: Anyone else?
Al Davis: You know who I really liked… Peter Warrick… Florida State playmaker… He could return punts… A miniature Tim Brown…
Mike Brown: And except for Sebastian Janikowski, Warrick had the best rap sheet in the draft. But what idiot chooses a kicker in the first round?
Contributor: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge