Forget Swift, Jay Cutler Is Not Rapper’s Delight

During the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, Kanye West assailed Taylor Swift. Hours earlier, West staged a similar tirade.

[Soldier Field: Chicago, Illinois]

[Jay Cutler is answering a reporter’s question inside the Chicago Bears locker room]

Jay Cutler: You know, the Bears haven’t had a Pro Bowl quarterback since Jim McMahon and you know, I want to provide that type of leadership.

[As Cutler concludes his answer, Kanye West enters and seizes the reporter’s microphone]

Kanye West: Yo, Jay. I’m really happy for you, but Jim McMahon was one of the best quarterbacks of all time.
[Cutler stares toward West with stunned silence]

Kanye West: In 1985, Jim McMahon won fifteen games, scored his second straight winning season and playoff appearance. In your whole career, you’ve won seventeen games, never had a winning season or been to the playoffs.

Jay Cutler: Kanye… How could you be so heartless?

Kanye West: Denver almost traded you and you cried. Jim McMahon was traded and said f the coach.
Jay Cutler: What are you saying? You want me to be stronger?

Kanye West: I’m sayin you an Indiana Boy, you livin the good life, you think you can touch the sky, but you ain’t ever won. You never won at Denver and you came from Vanderbilt.

Jay Cutler: Don’t think I’ll survive the flashing lights?

Kanye West: Jay, I’m happy for you, but you ain’t amazing. The Bears were in the Super Bowl two years ago and with you, they could all fall down.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Chad Ocho Cinco’s Child Please Commentaries

Chad Johnson: I’m dominating Twitter. I’m dominating U Stream. And now, since America needs a voice of reason, the voice of Ocho Cinco, I’ve decided to impart my wisdom through Child Please commentaries. I know all y’all watching every week and no one misses Hard Knocks and I shouldn’t have to explain this to you, but for those who cant flip their channel past T.O. and his friends Drama and Mama, child please is a nice way of telling someone that they mindless if they think Champ Bailey can cover the Black Mexican… Champ cover me? Child Please.”
CP Commentary One: Senator Ted Kennedy died this week and Republicans screaming that his death will be used… Used? CHILD PLEASE. Death won’t inspire healthcare… Isn’t the whole point of healthcare to prevent death? President Obama gets healthcare when he writes a bill and gets Ocho Cinco to explain that when you get sick, someone’s there for you, just like Coach Lewis is there for me.
CP Commentary Two: Did ESPN forget Ocho Cinco kicked a point? Brett Favre, Brett Favre… I knew 24/7 was comin’ up, but I thought it was about boxing… All the talk, the talk, talk, talk, talk, talk is Brett split the locker room… Some with Sage Rosenfels, Some with Tarvaris Jackson… CHILD PLEASE… If Sage Rose or Tar Jacked could win a Super Bowl, could win a purple vs. white scrimmage, you think their coach, what’s his name, Bald Coachless, would have begged?
CP Commentary Three: Late today, the Broncos, that team who traded Jay Cutler, who hired a personal assistant as head coach, they suspended Brandon Marshall. I can’t say nothing… Brandon bitched… Brandon complained… Brandon whined… Ocho Cinco never does any of those things and he especially don’t smack around a chica like she a DB I’m gonna dust on Sunday… People like Brandon, get a big CHILD PLEASE!
CP Commentary Four: Florida International won’t play in a tournament unless they play Ohio State and not North Carolina. CHILD PLEASE. What they gonna do, sit home and listen to Coach Thomas instruct them on the finer points of Stephon Marbury… And seriously, how can Florida International dictate anything to anyone? They won thirteen games… Zeke sexually harassed more Knicks employees in one month… FU, FIU, FUI, whatever, need to play who they told…
Chad Johnson: Until next time, this is Eighty-five, aka Ocho Cinco, aka the Black Mexican saying in Chad You Must Trust… Peace!

Contributor: Platinum Smalls