Chad Ocho Cinco’s Child Please Commentaries

Chad Johnson: Seven days since you’ve heard the platinum voice of the platinum playmaker, the voice of authority, the voice of reason, the voice of Ocho Cinco. Two days until I present a twitter surprise to the NFL. What’s the surprise? The NFL knows… They know what they get when I touch the field every Sunday. They get an icon whose celebrations are incomparable. They get an ATM machine, when they fine me. They get a role model, who works hard, does it all right, who shows the kids that if act like a star, they will be a star. And they get their very own version of Sixty Minutes, All Things Considered, Dateline, and Primetime… The Child Please commentaries…
CP Commentary One: You know President Obama love his haters, like Ocho Cinco love my hates, but Wednesday night, President Obama’s haters hated during his speech. President Obama says no illegal immigrants get health care, Ocho Cinco all good with that, but Congressman Joe Wilson, he yells out YOU LIE in the speech. Congressman Joe Wilson? CHILD PLEASE. I did a quick google search, between google searches of myself, and I see Congressman No One Knows and yellow cake. That’s the last thing Ocho Cinco need, some no one knows cracka ass cracka yellin things at our President. You yellin in the middle of the speech is like Champ Bailey trash talking me on Sunday. When I the score the six, it’s him that lie. When President Obama pass healthcare, it’s Joe No that lie.

CP Commentary Two: Brett Favre, Bret Favre, Bret Favre, Bret Favre… Ocho Cinco over Brett Favre, but now he say he may not play the whole year. CHILD PLEASE. Ocho Cinco may not either. Ocho Cinco plan to relax, get it all ready, sit out weeks fifteen, sixteen, and seventeen after Carson and I clinch the division title. It’s just like Ocho Cinco’s new favorite song… We see Miami, Brett

CP Commentary Three: According to ESPN, Brandon Marshall may sign an extension. First, Denver fires they coach. Then, they hire a teenager. Then, they trade the quarterback. Now, they hate, love, hate, love, hate, love they problem child and they match Chump Barely against the Platinum Playmaker. Denver, as an organization, they not even an organization anymore, they a University of Colorado future female kicker training academy… Denver, get a big CHILD PLEASE.

Chad Johnson: Until next time, this is Eighty-five, aka Ocho Cinco, aka the Black Mexican saying in Chad You Must Trust… Twitter Surprise!

Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Josh McDaniels Uses His Delusion

During his initial seven months, Denver Coach Josh McDaniels has had one irrefutable problem... An identity crisis…
[Denver Broncos Headquarters: Inglewood, Colorado]

[Owner Pat Bowlen, General Manager Brian Xanders, and Coach Josh McDaniels are seated inside Bowlen’s office]

Pat Bowlen: I’ve received forty-seven calls regarding Brandon Marshall’s suspension. First, we trade away our franchise quarterback. Now, we sit a Pro Bowl wide receiver. What should I tell reporters?

Josh McDaniels: Bill Belichick wins without stars. We’ll win without stars.

Brian Xanders: What’s your strategy with Marshall? Is this suspension it?

Josh McDaniels: I’ll deal with Brandon in the same way Bill Belichick dealt with Terry Glenn. If he doesn’t get the message, we’ll deactivate him.
Pat Bowlen: You’ll deactivate him?

Josh McDaniels: Yes. Players are expendable and we have to build this franchise in my image. Bill Belichick released Lawyer Milloy and traded Drew Bledsoe and we won two Super Bowls.

Pat Bowlen: And what should I say about Kyle Orton?

Josh McDaniels: Kyle Orton is unproven, but so was Tom Brady and Bill Belichick made him a franchise quarterback.

Pat Bowlen: And you’ll make Kyle Orton one?

Josh McDaniels: Bill Belichick and I coached together. Tom Brady and Kyle Orton both attended Big Ten schools. Success should be assumed.
Pat Bowlen: How long should fans wait for the success?

Josh McDaniels: Bill Belichick went 5-11 in 2000. I think that is a reasonable expectation.

Pat Bowlen: So you’ll take us from virtual playoff team to our worst record in ten years and that’s success?

Josh McDaniels: Bill Belichick took the Patriots from 8-8 to their worst record in seven years and then he won a Super Bowl. And let’s be honest, you hired me because this decade’s trophy case is as empty as the Rocky Mountain News offices.

Pat Bowlen: Josh, we’re a great franchise with great fans. If you’re unsuccessful, it’s on you.

Josh McDaniels: Mr. Bowlen, Bill Belichick made a great franchise with great fans better and so will I.

Pat Bowlen: Good. But, don’t wear a hooded sweatshirt into another meeting with me.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Chad Ocho Cinco’s Child Please Commentaries

Chad Johnson: I’m dominating Twitter. I’m dominating U Stream. And now, since America needs a voice of reason, the voice of Ocho Cinco, I’ve decided to impart my wisdom through Child Please commentaries. I know all y’all watching every week and no one misses Hard Knocks and I shouldn’t have to explain this to you, but for those who cant flip their channel past T.O. and his friends Drama and Mama, child please is a nice way of telling someone that they mindless if they think Champ Bailey can cover the Black Mexican… Champ cover me? Child Please.”
CP Commentary One: Senator Ted Kennedy died this week and Republicans screaming that his death will be used… Used? CHILD PLEASE. Death won’t inspire healthcare… Isn’t the whole point of healthcare to prevent death? President Obama gets healthcare when he writes a bill and gets Ocho Cinco to explain that when you get sick, someone’s there for you, just like Coach Lewis is there for me.
CP Commentary Two: Did ESPN forget Ocho Cinco kicked a point? Brett Favre, Brett Favre… I knew 24/7 was comin’ up, but I thought it was about boxing… All the talk, the talk, talk, talk, talk, talk is Brett split the locker room… Some with Sage Rosenfels, Some with Tarvaris Jackson… CHILD PLEASE… If Sage Rose or Tar Jacked could win a Super Bowl, could win a purple vs. white scrimmage, you think their coach, what’s his name, Bald Coachless, would have begged?
CP Commentary Three: Late today, the Broncos, that team who traded Jay Cutler, who hired a personal assistant as head coach, they suspended Brandon Marshall. I can’t say nothing… Brandon bitched… Brandon complained… Brandon whined… Ocho Cinco never does any of those things and he especially don’t smack around a chica like she a DB I’m gonna dust on Sunday… People like Brandon, get a big CHILD PLEASE!
CP Commentary Four: Florida International won’t play in a tournament unless they play Ohio State and not North Carolina. CHILD PLEASE. What they gonna do, sit home and listen to Coach Thomas instruct them on the finer points of Stephon Marbury… And seriously, how can Florida International dictate anything to anyone? They won thirteen games… Zeke sexually harassed more Knicks employees in one month… FU, FIU, FUI, whatever, need to play who they told…
Chad Johnson: Until next time, this is Eighty-five, aka Ocho Cinco, aka the Black Mexican saying in Chad You Must Trust… Peace!

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Endorsement & Sponsorship Promotional Network

As Michael Beasley’s issues were revealed, ESPN offset his twitter and their promotion. Under “Feelin like it’s not worth livin!!!!!!! I’m done” was twitter.com/ESPNNews.

Sadly, ESPN’s insensitivity is not unusual.
E:60: As Vince Young discusses his chaotic childhood, Michael Smith interrupts the interview. Smith notes that the upcoming issue of ESPN for Kids will include an article on “how playing football helps when you feel sad.”

NFL Live: Between Brandon Marshall’s responses, Bonnie Bernstein reminds viewers that ESPN Radio 1600’s programming is presented by Bar Standard: Home of Denver’s Best Shots.
Outside the Lines: During Plaxico Burress’ initial post-sentence interview, Jeremy Schaap asks several questions about guns. The question’s contexts include several references to ESPN Outdoors programs.

Sportscenter: When Kerry Collins’ interview concludes, Mike Greenburg requests an additional segment. Collins agrees and Greenburg states that he will ask another six questions, also known as the Coors Light Cold Hard Facts.

Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge