Republican Pariah Prioritizes Friends, Tweeps Over Viewers

As Republican National Committee Chair of Victory, Carly Fiorina was a catastrophe. As NHL Senior President of Marketing, she remains a nightmare. [NHL Headquarters: New York, New York]

[Commissioner Gary Bettman and Senior Vice President of Marketing Carly Fiorina are seated inside Bettman's office]

Gary Bettman: Our season starts tonight and Direct TV won’t compromise. What if they won’t restore Versus? What’s our solution?

Carly Fiorina: Twitter.

Gary Bettman: Twitter is our solution?

Carly Fiorina: Six million visitors per month, it’s one of the fifty most popular websites, one of the fastest growing websites, it’s been described as remarkably simple. Celebrities, fans, players, reporters all use it. Gary Bettman: We had real growth last season, which in this economic climate is amazing and you propose exchanging eighteen million households of daily viewers for six million viewers per month?

Carly Fiorina: Facebook has three hundred million users worldwide. Users can create, join, and interact with fan pages, create groups, add friends, send them messages, join city, school, region, and workplace networks, update their status, send gifts and links, view news feeds and China, Iran, and Syria allow the website.

Gary Bettman: China, Iran, and Syria? Our fans are not in those countries.

Carly Fiorina: Our fans are not in Carolina and Nashville and we market those cities.
Gary Bettman: Any other solutions?

Carly Fiorina: Zimbio is an online magazine publisher, one of the fastest growing websites, they’ve launched Zimbio TV, and they cover current events, entertainment, and sports.

Gary Bettman: You’re marking ideas are interesting, but we should discuss our television situation. How can we grow if fans can’t watch?

Carly Fiorina: You’re ESPN contract concluded in 2004?

Gary Bettman: Correct.

Carly Fiorina: And you’re NBC contract started in 2005?

Gary Bettman: Correct.

Carly Fiorina: No one has watched one of your games in five years.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Football, Firearms, Extremists, & Enthusiasts

According to multiple reports, ammunition demand has induced scarcity. According to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, 2011 may commence with a lockout.

If firearms and football appear unrelated, two neighbors recent interaction should illustrate the connection.
[Maryville, Tennessee]

[Daniel Kefauver stands outside his house as Direct TV employees enter and exit. Across the street, Sam Flatt unloads boxes from his truck. Kefauver observes this and approaches him.]

Daniel Kefauver: You want some help?

Sam Flatt: Thank you.

Daniel Kefauver: What’s in the boxes?

Sam Flatt: S&W nine millimeter federal hollow points.

Daniel Kefauver: There must be forty boxes in here.
Sam Flatt: Can’t take any chances. Buford Hickcok Obamunist wants our guns.

Daniel Kefauver: Obama. His name is Barack Obama.

[Flatt reacts with angered silence]

Sam Flatt: Why’s everyone at your house?

Daniel Kefauver: We’re rewiring our electronics.

Sam Flatt: Good thinking. You know he had special communist chips put in the tv’s.

Daniel Kefauver: We bought extra DVR’s, so we can record every NFL game.

Sam Flatt: You spent thousands to tape football?

Daniel Kefauver: You spent thousands on unnecessary ammunition. How are we different?

Sam Flatt: Son, the second amendment is the reset button on the constitution.

Daniel Kefauver: The NFL is the reset button on back to school, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve… Every important aspect of life.

Sam Flatt: Do you know what would happened if our guns disappeared?

Daniel Kefauver: I can imagine what would happen if football disappeared.

Sam Flatt: Son, I can draw you a line… First it’s the guns, then the doctors, then the churches, and our jobs and our kids…

Daniel Kefauver: If the NFL locks out their players, those same things could happen.

Sam Flatt: What about the players who carry guns?

Daniel Kefauver: Yeah… Plaxico Burress won’t be in any games I record.

Sam Flatt: You know if I could give you numbers…

Daniel Kefauver: Why can’t you?

Sam Flatt: Do I look like I can count? If I gave you numbers about guns you would cry.

Daniel Kefauver: I can give you numbers about football and if the revenues were reduced, millions would cry.

Sam Flatt: It’s like Glenn Beck said, your hunting rights are at stake. Your gun rights are at stake. I want America to wake up.

Daniel Kefauver: I want America to wake up also. If the NFL locks out or strikes, I’ll suffer. Children will suffer. Cities and states will suffer.

Sam Flatt: Son, you just don’t get it. If guns disappear, then it’s communism… socialism… and we play soccer…

Daniel Kefauver: You’ll play soccer. I’ll just watch one of the games I recorded.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls