FDH, President Obama Share Undignified Consultation

On the FDH Lounge: Volume 77, Rick Morris misidentified an author, seemed uninformed, and spoke randomly. Hours subsequent, he repeated his mistakes, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which someone e-mailed us after watching the Office)…
President Obama: Rick, I have a briefing about Chicago’s 2020 Olympic bid next, but I need some fantasy football advice.
Rick Morris: Let’s take our time. If we’re talking, you’re not exacerbating America’s problems.
President Obama: You mean solving America’s problems?
Rick Morris: Have you attempted any solutions?
President Obama: The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, the American Clean Energy and Security Act, America’s Affordable Health Choices Act, these aren’t solutions?
Rick Morris: Uncontrolled spending, irrational environmentalism, socialized medicine are kinds of solutions.
President Obama: It’s clear we have ideological differences, but you and I both know which kicker should start.
Rick Morris: Adam Vinatieri.
President Obama: Isn’t he out four weeks after knee surgery?
Rick Morris: I don’t know. My producer Ryan Isley reads that stuff to me.
President Obama: Running back is my volatile issue. I have Joseph Addai and Pierre Thomas and Thomas was my choice, but Matthew Berry said I shouldn’t start him against the Giants.
Rick Morris: Matthew Berry also said you shouldn’t start Adrian Peterson against the Chargers.
President Obama: Now, hold on a second, everyone makes mistakes. You voted for President Bush.
Rick Morris: You always blame him for something.
President Obama: It’s blame you can believe in. Now, I’m in a three wide receiver league and Roddy White, Andre Johnson, and Braylon Edwards are my starters.
Rick Morris: Braylon is an interesting choice. Mark Sanchez said the biggest key for him is to play loose.
President Obama: I think you’re mistaken. Braylon said that about Mark Sanchez.
Rick Morris: Sorry, Mr. President. I was following the live blog of our conversation on Googling Atlee Hammaker.
President Obama: I like that blog. I read it instead of reports that claim the stimulus isn’t working. Should Romo start as my quarterback?
Rick Morris: Have you seen Romo’s college coed? I’d like to show her my stimulus…
President Obama: Rick, you’re as unfocused as my administration.
Rick Morris: The Schrute Beet Farm covers forty acres.
President Obama: It’s like Joe Biden. What will you say next?
Rick Morris: BANANA WAFFLES.
President Obama: We served those at the G-20. Now, which defense should I start?
Rick Morris: My Townhall Protest Mob team is starting the Ravens.
President Obama: Townhall Protest Mob? You’re really a critic of healthcare?
Rick Morris: Not the panels of bureaucrats to kill off senior citizens. Speaking of that, Larry Dolan is 78. What’s the minimum eligible age?
Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Ryan Isley

King Speaks, Seventeen Spews Conceit and Zen

After Braylon Edwards allegedly assaulted Lebron James’ friend, the Cleveland Browns traded the wide receiver to the New York Jets. Edwards’ indiscretion and narcissism clearly irritated the chosen one, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which was overheard by someone exchanging their number seventeen jersey for a witness t-shirt)…
Lebron James: Heard about the trade.
Braylon Edwards: I’m tweetin’ a statement.
Lebron James: You said twitter was juvenile.
Braylon Edwards: I thought I was juvenile or childish.
Lebron James: Man, he was my friend.
Braylon Edwards: If the city of Cleveland would’ve seen us as equals , your friend’s slip is a non-issue.
Lebron James: When were we equals?
Braylon Edwards: We’re both special talents. You are the best on the court. I am the best on the field.
Lebron James: I know I’m the best. How are you the best?
Braylon Edwards: I’m a winner.
Lebron James: I’m a winner. I won a conference championship.
Braylon Edwards: I caught sixteen touchdowns and the Browns went 10-6 that season.
Lebron James: You guys win the division title?
Braylon Edwards: We went 10-6.
Lebron James: You guys even make the playoffs?
Braylon Edwards: If we made the playoffs, our games wouldn’t have been the lowest rated ever.
Lebron James: And your wins would have matched our wins right?
Braylon Edwards: I know my production exceeded yours that season.
Lebron James: You were the receiver’s champion?
Braylon Edwards: I was second in touchdowns.
Lebron James: That’s great. I was first in points last season.
Braylon Edwards: I was a pro bowl selection when we went 10-6.
Lebron James: I was an All-Star that year, the year before, and the two years since.
Braylon Edwards: Which season were you MVP?
Lebron James: Regular season MVP last year.
Braylon Edwards: Being receiver isn’t about pure statistics. It’s about zen and art.
Lebron James: Man, you are childish and jealous, but I’ll be humble and wish you luck.
Braylon Edwards: Hope the city as humble when you leave in free agency. When everyone want to hit your friend, I won’t look as childish.
Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

President, Penguini Bemoan Predecessors

According to President Obama and Cleveland Browns Coach Eric Mangini, previous seasons were unacceptable, promised success is revocable, and their predecessors are permanently responsible. When the pair discussed their contrived scenarios, their commiseration was continuous, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which we obtained from someone also looking back in anger)…
President Obama: Coach Mangini, I’ve reviewed your situation, as well as the situations of fourteen other professional coaches. I feel we share the most similar circumstances.

Eric Mangini: Because of the unrealistic expectations?

President Obama: Correct. When I instituted Cash for Clunkers, Chrysler and General Motors sold more cars in one month than all of George Bush’s second term. Some people claim that I created artificial demand. This wouldn’t have been necessary if the previous administration’s economic policy weren’t imaginary.

Eric Mangini: I understand. When the Browns went 10-6 three years ago, players appeared better than they are. Fans think this team is talented.

President Obama: Liberals think I make a speech and Guantanamo Bay closes. How can I close Guantanamo Bay when states will not accept the prisoners?

Eric Mangini: How can I improve this team when no one other than the Jets will accept the players?
President Obama: We understand each other. How could I win the Olympics after eight years of steers and fear foreign policy?

Eric Mangini: And why shouldn’t I impose rules and consequences after four years of Romeo Crennel’s nursery school?

President Obama: The previous administration left me an impossible circumstance. I should prosecute them for their enhanced interrogation torture techniques, but I need political capital for healthcare reform, which they never addressed. If Corporate W. Bush would have acted, forty-five million uninsured would be thirty-million uninsured. Then, my plan would only leave ten million uninsured.

Eric Mangini: If Phil Savage drafted character and talent, we would be 4-0. Instead, Brady Quinn and Eric Wright are on our roster?

President Obama: And Afghanistan and Iraq are on my agenda. If we hadn’t invaded Iraq, Afghanistan would be much more stable. If Afghanistan’s troops wouldn’t have been redeployed, Iraq wouldn’t be as stable. Our Commander in Charade complicated both wars and left them for me.

Eric Mangini: And Phil Savage left me with Jamal Lewis, Shaun Rodgers, and Quinn. Fans are questioning me on facebook, twitter, radio, television. Sports Talk Cleveland’s five man audience even questioned me. I forget more football than they will ever know.

President Obama: Our circumstances couldn’t be more similar. Greens want action on climate change. The GLBT wants action on civil unions and don’t ask, don’t tell. Don’t they realize I used them to get elected as my predecessors used Christians to get elected?
Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Sixth Man Set to Wed Third Sister

On Sunday, Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian will marry. Kobe Bryant mistrusts his teammate’s impending nuptials, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which we obtained from someone who took Miami)…
Kobe Bryant: Congratulations man.
Lamar Odom: What you mean?
Kobe Bryant: You’re engagement.
Lamar Odom: You heard? We haven’t even called E about a reality show.
Kobe Bryant: TMZ.
Lamar Odom: Kobe Bryant reads TMZ?
Kobe Bryant: My wife reads TMZ.
Lamar Odom: What you read? ESPN?
Kobe Bryant: And everywhere else I own the headlines. When’s the wedding?
Lamar Odom: Sunday. I’m doin this quick.
Kobe Bryant: Why? Is Khloe expecting a little sixth man?
Lamar Odom: It’s not like that. I just want this over.
Kobe Bryant: How can your marriage occur quicker than your contract signing?
Lamar Odom: Kobe, you don’t know... You got the wife, the two kids, the four titles… You MVP… Eleven time all-star…
Kobe Bryant: And two time scoring champ.
Lamar Odom: Right. I’m the sixth man. I’m a no time all-star. Khloe knows who she’s with and it’s over.
Kobe Bryant: You’re afraid she’ll leave you?
Lamar Odom: Before Hank Baskett married Kendra, he was a sixth string wide receiver.
Kobe Bryant: He still is. You should chill.
Lamar Odom: Maybe you right, but what would I do without Khloe?
Kobe Bryant: I read Tila Tequila’s single.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Pryor, Vick Share Black Eye Interest

On Saturday, Terrelle Pryor’s eye black was inscribed “Vick.” While the quarterbacks are similar, Pryor’s adoration is non-athletic, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which someone e-mailed us after walking their dog)…
Terrelle Pryor: Thanks for texting me.
Michael Vick: Thanks for the support.
Terrelle Pryor: You saw the eye black message?
Michael Vick: Heard people loved it as much as Philadelphia loves me.
Terrelle Pryor: Did you watch the game?
Michael Vick: No, we had practice. Snatching Donovan’s spot is tough.
Terrelle Pryor: You’ll snatch it. I’ve watched you since I was ten.
Michael Vick: With the Falcons or Virginia Tech?
Terelle Pryor: I’ve watched your dogs.
Michael Vick: You knew Bad Newz?
Terrelle Pryor: My boys and I, we bet on the fights.
Michael Vick: What was your favorite?
Terrelle Pryor: Hokie and Hurricane at Canine of the Ring. Hurricane’s leg was so bloody, I thought they’d chop it off.
Michael Vick: Who was your favorite dog?
Terrelle Pryor: Seminole. The way he dodged…Reminded me of you in that Vikings game.
Michael Vick: Seminole was sweet.
Terrelle Pryor: Was he the best?
Michael Vick: Him or Terrapin. She could fight for a bitch. She’d sucker the other dog. She was a con artist.
Terrelle Pryor: Like you with Commissioner Goodell?
Michael Vick: Sometimes you gotta dance for those judging white suits.
Terrelle Pryor: I know that.
Michael Vick: I know you do. Say hello to Coach Tressel for me.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Favre’s Maxim: The World Revolves Around Me

On Tuesday, Brett Favre renounced retirement again. While virtually everyone anticipated this, Vikings Coach Brad Childress appeared shocked, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which was overheard by someone relaxing in their purple number four jersey)…
Brad Childress: Why’d your change your mind?
Brett Favre: The last month was very important.
Brad Childress: You had time to clear your head and think?
Brett Favre: No… Everyone was about me.
Brad Childress: I don’t understand.
Brett Favre: ESPN saying how can they win without Brett. Fox Sports reporting anonymous players said I would return. Papers charting the sale of my jersey…
Brad Childress: This month was about ego?
Brett Favre: This month made you realize my importance.
Brad Childress: Brett, you’re a Hall of Famer. But, I’ll remind you there’s no I in team.
Brett Favre: And I’ll remind you there are in victories, division titles, and rings. None of which are possible without me.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Tiger Discipline

Last weekend, Tiger Woods admonished European Tour Chief Referee John Paramor. While Woods should have been fined, PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem received the punishment, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which we obtained after we were placed on the clock)…
Tim Finchem: Your conduct was unacceptable. I’m fining you $20,000.
Tiger Woods: No, you’re not.
Tim Finchem: $15,000.
Tiger Woods: No.
Tim Finchem: $10,000.
Tiger Woods: No.
Tim Finchem: $5,000.
Tiger Woods: No.
Tim Finchem: I’ll release a statement very critical of you.
Tiger Woods: No.
Tim Finchem: I’ll release a statement critical of you.
Tiger Woods: No.
Tim Finchem: I’ll release a statement apologizing to you.
Tiger Woods: Appreciate the call.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Stan Speaks Truth to Lewis

For an elevated testosterone level (is his objective babies or baskets?), Rashard Lewis was suspended ten contests. Magic Coach Stan Van Gundy is clearly upset with this indiscretion, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which I was e-mailed by someone who chose not to read their own supplement labels)…
Rashard Lewis: First and foremost I take full responsibility for the situation and accept the corresponding penalty.
Stan Van Gundy: I’m thankful you were caught. Even without you we should eight of our first ten.
Rashard Lewis: I did not realize it included a substance banned by the NBA.
Stan Van Gundy: When did your cheating start?
Rashard Lewis: Toward the end of the season I took an over-the-counter supplement.
Stan Van Gundy: And someone couldn’t read you the label?
Rashard Lewis: I apologize for not doing the research that should come with good judgment.
Stan Van Gundy: You should apologize to your teammates. That supplement gave you minutes that should have gone to Mickael Pietrus.
Rashard Lewis: I hope this unintentional mistake will not reflect poorly on our team and its great character.
Stan Van Gundy: Lebron not shaking hands after game six looks better than this.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Dallas Dilemma: A Star Wants Stardom

As Googling Atlee Hammaker referenced (we don’t report the news, we simply mock it), Tony Romo is dating twenty-two year old Natalie Smith, the daughter of his college coach. Owner Jerry Jones is clearly concerned with his quarterback’s conduct (inept plunge from Carrie Underwood to cocktail waitress), as evidenced by this partial transcript (which we obtained from someone before they cheated)…
Jerry Jones: Tony, I just told ESPN you’re the cornerstone of our franchise.
Tony Romo: I missed the interview.
Jerry Jones: Were you throwing? Watching film?
Tony Romo: I was walking my girlfriend home from class.
Jerry Jones: Tony, we need to discuss this situation.
Tony Romo: Jerry, the T.O. Show requested an appearance… I said no.
Jerry Jones: We need to discuss your publicity.
Tony Romo: I know… I’m on the covers of In Touch, People, Us Weekly, and Sports Illustrated… You think I could have my own show?
Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Cavic’s Challenge: Record or Reefer

On Saturday, Milorad Cavic and Michael Phelps will swim the one hundred meter butterfly. On Friday, the pair discussed swimwear and their upcoming showdown. Googling Atlee Hammaker has obtained this partial transcript (which we translated by utilizing Rosetta Stone)…
Milorad Cavic: Will you admit defeat?
Michael Phelps: When I lose.
Milorad Cavic: You lost on Tuesday.
Michael Phelps: I lost to a suit.
Milorad Cavic: In February, you lost to a bong.
Michael Phelps: I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way.
Milorad Cavic: Similar to blaming a suit like a seven year old?
Michael Phelps: See you on Saturday.
Milorad Cavic: If you lose, I’ll buy you a new suit… If you win, I’ll buy you the weed of your choice.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Manny, Ortiz Compare Quotes

According to the New York Times (all the noise that you’re forced to read), David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez tested positive for performance enhancing drugs in 2003. When the former teammates discussed these revelations, their conversation was contentious, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which I was e-mailed by someone identifying anonymous test samples)…
Manny Ramirez: We tested positive.
David Ortiz: Is this you being you?
Manny Ramirez: It’s on ESPN.
David Ortiz: It’s not like something that is happening right now…
Manny Ramirez: Are you as dumb as Tim McCarver? It’s on ESPN…
David Ortiz: I would suggest everybody get tested, not random, everybody. You go team by team.
Manny Ramirez: You were tested.
David Ortiz: In the past when it wasn't banned from the game
Manny Ramirez: I want no more [expletive] where they tell you one thing and behind your back they do another thing. I think I've earned that respect…
David Ortiz: All the drama, it doesn’t look good for the game.
Manny Ramirez: I don't want to be a problem and a distraction in such a critical moment of the season.
David Ortiz: I know that if I test positive by using any kind of substance, I know that I'm going to disrespect my family, the game, the fans and everybody, and I don't want to be facing that situation.
Manny Ramirez: Are you as dumb as Tim McCarver? You were tested positive.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Plaxico Teases Grand Jury

Plaxico Burress testified today… He was truthful, he was honest, and he’s truly remorseful for costing himself millions… While the testimony is supposed to be secret, Googling Atlee Hammaker has obtained this partial transcript (which was encrypted into the second page of the style section of our New York Times)…
District Attorney: Did you carry an unregistered weapon into the Latin Quarter Night Club?
Plaxico Burress: No
District Attorney: Should I remind you of what contempt is?
Plaxico Burress: Remind me? You never told me…
District Attorney: You deny having a weapon inside the Latin Quarter Night Club the evening you suffered a gun shot wound?
Plaxico Burress: No, I don’t deny it.
District Attorney: You denied carrying an unregistered weapon into the club.
Plaxico Burress: Yeah.
District Attorney: If you didn’t carry a weapon into the club, how did you suffer a gunshot wound?
Plaxico Burress: The gun hidden in my pants shot me… Don’t you read TMZ?

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Favre's Finish: What About Me?

Brett Favre will remain retired (he may return, but not at this moment, but he could if circumstances were once again all about him)… According to Favre, this was the hardest decision he has ever made, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which was overheard by someone relaxing in their Wrangler jeans, after consuming a Prilosec OTC)…

Brett Favre: Brad?
Brad Childress: You ready for camp?
Brett Favre: I can’t do this… It’s not about me…
Brad Childress: Then why not?
Brett Favre: It’s not about me… You’re in the papers talking about Sage Rosenfels and Tarvaris Jackson… What about me?
Brad Childress: Brett, I’m confused… Weren’t you returning to win a championship?
Brett Favre: Yes, I was returning so I could win a championship…
Brad Childress: And you would have…
Brett Favre: Yes
Brad Childress: And you still can…
Brett Favre: No, I can’t… This is your franchise…
Brad Childress: What will you do?
Bret Favre: My one hundredth day with Prilosec OTC…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Tush to Bush: You’re My Romo

According to US Weekly and Kim Kardashian’s reps (people who pretend to listen when she talks), Kim K and Reggie Bush have split. Their farewell was heartbreaking, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which I was e-mailed after someone stopped pretending)...
Kim: I’ve been thinking a lot…
Reggie: Are you alright?
Kim: Yes… Would you turn that television off, I can hear it over you.
Reggie: It’s chill… Ray-J’s on the screen…
Kim: Listen, I think we need to end it
Reggie: Why?
Kim: Only 1,550 yards and 20 touchdowns in three seasons
Reggie: You’re not one of those haters calling me a bust are you?
Kim: No… The truth is, I’m exhausted…
Reggie: You and Ray-J filming again?
Kim: I just got Kourtney and Khloe off to their own show… You know how hard that was?
Reggie: As hard as convincing everyone I wasn’t dating a porn star…
Kim: Baby, I’ll always love you… But its time for me to dump the overhyped baggage on my arm… Like Tony Romo…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls