Today’s Entrance Music

Beautiful

As Facebook accentuates and records costume memories, Moby’s anthem should be audible. The selection epitomizes attention addicts and spotlight seekers.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Mangini Confesses Pirate’s Plot

Following his grand jury testimony, David Letterman acknowledged an awkward encounter. Following the Cleveland Browns fourth consecutive defeat, Coach Eric Mangini confessed a similar scenario.

Eric Mangini: I’m glad none of you attended this afternoon because I have a little story that I would like to tell you and my remaining supporters. Do you feel like a story? This started six weeks ago in the preseason and I got up early and I come to work early and I go out and I get into my car and in the backseat of my car, there’s a package I don’t recognize and have never seen before and don’t usually receive packages six in the morning in the back of my car. I guess you can, Tom Brady used to… So, I get to looking through it and there’s a letter in the package and it says I know that you do terrible, terrible things and I can prove that you do these terrible things and sure enough contained in the package was stuff to prove that I do terrible things. At six in the morning and maybe this looks better to you in a post game press conference, but six in the morning, all you can think about is every terrible thing you’ve ever done in your entire life. So, I go through it and I study it and what this is is a guy is going to create a twitter page about me and that’s good news for Cleveland isn’t it? And he’s going to take all the terrible stuff that he knows about my life and he seems to in this packet, there seems to be quite a lot of terrible stuff he knows about me and he’s going to put it onto twitter, unless I repeat a specifically worded statement. I’m like you, I think, really, that’s a little , and this is the word I actually used, that’s a little penguini. I just want to reiterate how terrifying this moment is because there’s something very insidious about is he standing down there? Is he hiding under the car? Am I going to get a tap on the shoulder? You immediately, because I am motivated by nothing but arrogance. If you know anything about me, I am just an obese mass of pudgy New England arrogance. So I get to Berea and I say to myself, I hate doing things like this, but maybe I’ll call my agent, so I call my agent and he takes a look at it and he says let’s schedule a meeting with the guy just to see what he has in mind. So there’s a meeting with the guy and it turns out, yes in fact, I must read this specifically worded statement or he’s going to create this twitter page about all the terrible things that I do. Embarrassing, terrible things. At that point, my attorney and I say wow, this really is penguini. So then we call an operation called the Hoodie Patriot Bureau, which is a division of the Big Tuna Defensive Assistants Office. We call down there and we say can we run a couple of things by you Bill and so we took the stuff to him and he says whoa hello this is blackmail. So he said what you want to do is get another meeting with this guy and find out if he’s serious, because you know we’ve all lost a close game and stuff like this slip through the cracks, you inadvertently blackmail someone. So, we had the second meeting and the question was posed, are you aware that this is serious, this could be a crime and he said I’m fine with that and oh by the way, not only will I create a twitter account, I will create a facebook account also and I thought well that’s nice, you have a companion piece, you have the facebook, you have the twitter and what do you read the facebook first then read the twitter? Do you read the twitter, then read the facebook? Do you read the facebook on your laptop and the twitter on your blackberry? It’s all coming up Sopranos for me, because remember, this guy knows creepy stuff about me. So, we had the second meeting and he was reassured that everything was just fine and then a third meeting was arranged and if there’s a lighthearted moment in any of this and I’m not sure there is, the third meeting is arranged whereby he gives me the statement I’m supposed to read, now I don’t think I’ve mentioned this up to now, but the entire package and the statement is written on pirate stationary. So, the statement is given to me, written on pirate stationary and because I’m such a bonehead, have you ever celebrated international talk like a pirate day? I tried to rehearse the statement for him by talking like a pirate. So now this guy is walking around, expecting me to read this statement and the idea is now, although he’s given no guarantees, he’s still saying you never know, I may just create the facebook and twitter accounts, so for that guarantee, I’m supposed to read this statement. So, this morning, I did something I’ve never done in my life and it was a combination of unusual and penguini, this whole thing has been quite penguini. I had to go to New York and tell Commissioner Goodell and I had to tell him that I was disturbed by this, that I was worried for myself, worried for my family, I felt challenged by this and I had to tell him all of the creepy things that I have done. So the idea is that if he believes a crime has been committed, this man will be precluded from coaching in the NFL and that’s exactly what happened and a little bit after noon today, Mike Leach was banned from the NFL. Now, of course, we get to what was it, what was all the creepy stuff that he was going to put onto the facebook and twitter accounts and the creepy stuff was that I am an incompetent horse’s ass, who ruins franchises, and once criticized Michael Crabtree. Now, my response to that is, yes I am. I am an incompetent horse’s ass, who ruins franchises, and once criticized Michael Crabtree. Would this be embarrassing if I were forced to make this public, perhaps it would, especially for those who hired me. That’s a decision for them to make, if they want to come public and talk about how I duped them, I’ll never go public and talk about how I duped them and what I didn’t want is a guy saying, I know you’re an incompetent horse’s ass, who ruins franchises, and once criticized Michael Crabtree, so I would like you to read this statement or I’m going to make trouble for you. So, that’s where we stand right now. I just want to thank the people of the Hoodie Patriot Bureau and the Big Tuna Defensive Assistants Office. Bill Parcells, who is head of that. It’s been a very bizarre experience. I feel like I need to protect my organization, my family, I need to protect myself, I hope to protect my job and everyone who has supported me through this. And I don’t plan to say much more about this on this particular topic, so thank you for letting me bend your ear. And now, I know what you’re saying, we always knew he was an incompetent horse’s ass. That’s what Commissioner Goodell said also. Thank you for your patience. I hope a few more of you will see us lose next week. Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Republican Pariah Prioritizes Friends, Tweeps Over Viewers

As Republican National Committee Chair of Victory, Carly Fiorina was a catastrophe. As NHL Senior President of Marketing, she remains a nightmare. [NHL Headquarters: New York, New York]

[Commissioner Gary Bettman and Senior Vice President of Marketing Carly Fiorina are seated inside Bettman's office]

Gary Bettman: Our season starts tonight and Direct TV won’t compromise. What if they won’t restore Versus? What’s our solution?

Carly Fiorina: Twitter.

Gary Bettman: Twitter is our solution?

Carly Fiorina: Six million visitors per month, it’s one of the fifty most popular websites, one of the fastest growing websites, it’s been described as remarkably simple. Celebrities, fans, players, reporters all use it. Gary Bettman: We had real growth last season, which in this economic climate is amazing and you propose exchanging eighteen million households of daily viewers for six million viewers per month?

Carly Fiorina: Facebook has three hundred million users worldwide. Users can create, join, and interact with fan pages, create groups, add friends, send them messages, join city, school, region, and workplace networks, update their status, send gifts and links, view news feeds and China, Iran, and Syria allow the website.

Gary Bettman: China, Iran, and Syria? Our fans are not in those countries.

Carly Fiorina: Our fans are not in Carolina and Nashville and we market those cities.
Gary Bettman: Any other solutions?

Carly Fiorina: Zimbio is an online magazine publisher, one of the fastest growing websites, they’ve launched Zimbio TV, and they cover current events, entertainment, and sports.

Gary Bettman: You’re marking ideas are interesting, but we should discuss our television situation. How can we grow if fans can’t watch?

Carly Fiorina: You’re ESPN contract concluded in 2004?

Gary Bettman: Correct.

Carly Fiorina: And you’re NBC contract started in 2005?

Gary Bettman: Correct.

Carly Fiorina: No one has watched one of your games in five years.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Gatorola: Urban Meyer Shops Recruits

This offseason, Lane Kiffin said Urban Meyer illegally recruits. While Googling Atlee Hammaker would never accuse anyone, we obtained a suspicious memorandum.
Wesley Dustin (Wide Receiver – St. Thomas Aquinas – Fort Lauderdale, Florida)
Florida’s premiere prep pass catcher owns three state records… Receptions, touchdowns, and autographs signed between offensive series. If he commits, Dustin will receive two hundred and seventy posters, which he can sign and send to sorority pledges.

Christian Geib (Running Back – Byrnes – Duncan, South Carolina)
In three seasons, he has amassed 6,291 yards, 47 touchdowns, and 39 highlight reels sold. If Geib commits, he will three televisions with tivo, two personal assistants, and thirty percent of each dollar made utilizing his image.

Russell Isley (Running Back – Elder – Cincinnati, Ohio)
Following thirty-three touchdowns and twenty-three community theatre roles, Florida, Ohio State, Universal, and Warner Brothers have called. If he commits, Isley will receive a camera and laptop. Florida’s film school will also purchase his script.
Winston Morris (Offensive Tackle – Don Bosco Prep – Ramsey, New Jersey)
A New York Giants’ fan and former paralegal intern, he stuffs freshman into file cabinets for exercise. If he commits, Morris will receive a blackberry, bluetooth, briefcase, and several underclassman paralegals.

Wendell Rill (Quarterback – Northwestern – Miami, Florida)
America’s most prized signal caller has registered 5,121 passing yards, 3,955 rushing yards, 1,877 facebook friends, and 992 female phone numbers. His stated objective is three national championships and two relationships. If he commits, Rill will receive an apartment and a Porsche.
Tristan Rushi (Wide Receiver – Oaks Christian – Westlake Village, California)
His highlights include 301 receptions, 2,981 yards, 113 touchdowns, 201 celebration penalties, and 539 twitter tweets. If he commits, Rushi will receive a webcam and a reality show, which WCJB will broadcast.

Alex Smalley (Offensive Tackle – Oscar Smith – Chesapeake, Virginia)
While he has never missed a contest, he repeatedly misses class. He prefers shopping. If he commits, Smalley will receive an American Express Black Card, a Visa Check Card, and Project Runway: Season Five.
Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge