Mangini Confesses Pirate’s Plot

Following his grand jury testimony, David Letterman acknowledged an awkward encounter. Following the Cleveland Browns fourth consecutive defeat, Coach Eric Mangini confessed a similar scenario.

Eric Mangini: I’m glad none of you attended this afternoon because I have a little story that I would like to tell you and my remaining supporters. Do you feel like a story? This started six weeks ago in the preseason and I got up early and I come to work early and I go out and I get into my car and in the backseat of my car, there’s a package I don’t recognize and have never seen before and don’t usually receive packages six in the morning in the back of my car. I guess you can, Tom Brady used to… So, I get to looking through it and there’s a letter in the package and it says I know that you do terrible, terrible things and I can prove that you do these terrible things and sure enough contained in the package was stuff to prove that I do terrible things. At six in the morning and maybe this looks better to you in a post game press conference, but six in the morning, all you can think about is every terrible thing you’ve ever done in your entire life. So, I go through it and I study it and what this is is a guy is going to create a twitter page about me and that’s good news for Cleveland isn’t it? And he’s going to take all the terrible stuff that he knows about my life and he seems to in this packet, there seems to be quite a lot of terrible stuff he knows about me and he’s going to put it onto twitter, unless I repeat a specifically worded statement. I’m like you, I think, really, that’s a little , and this is the word I actually used, that’s a little penguini. I just want to reiterate how terrifying this moment is because there’s something very insidious about is he standing down there? Is he hiding under the car? Am I going to get a tap on the shoulder? You immediately, because I am motivated by nothing but arrogance. If you know anything about me, I am just an obese mass of pudgy New England arrogance. So I get to Berea and I say to myself, I hate doing things like this, but maybe I’ll call my agent, so I call my agent and he takes a look at it and he says let’s schedule a meeting with the guy just to see what he has in mind. So there’s a meeting with the guy and it turns out, yes in fact, I must read this specifically worded statement or he’s going to create this twitter page about all the terrible things that I do. Embarrassing, terrible things. At that point, my attorney and I say wow, this really is penguini. So then we call an operation called the Hoodie Patriot Bureau, which is a division of the Big Tuna Defensive Assistants Office. We call down there and we say can we run a couple of things by you Bill and so we took the stuff to him and he says whoa hello this is blackmail. So he said what you want to do is get another meeting with this guy and find out if he’s serious, because you know we’ve all lost a close game and stuff like this slip through the cracks, you inadvertently blackmail someone. So, we had the second meeting and the question was posed, are you aware that this is serious, this could be a crime and he said I’m fine with that and oh by the way, not only will I create a twitter account, I will create a facebook account also and I thought well that’s nice, you have a companion piece, you have the facebook, you have the twitter and what do you read the facebook first then read the twitter? Do you read the twitter, then read the facebook? Do you read the facebook on your laptop and the twitter on your blackberry? It’s all coming up Sopranos for me, because remember, this guy knows creepy stuff about me. So, we had the second meeting and he was reassured that everything was just fine and then a third meeting was arranged and if there’s a lighthearted moment in any of this and I’m not sure there is, the third meeting is arranged whereby he gives me the statement I’m supposed to read, now I don’t think I’ve mentioned this up to now, but the entire package and the statement is written on pirate stationary. So, the statement is given to me, written on pirate stationary and because I’m such a bonehead, have you ever celebrated international talk like a pirate day? I tried to rehearse the statement for him by talking like a pirate. So now this guy is walking around, expecting me to read this statement and the idea is now, although he’s given no guarantees, he’s still saying you never know, I may just create the facebook and twitter accounts, so for that guarantee, I’m supposed to read this statement. So, this morning, I did something I’ve never done in my life and it was a combination of unusual and penguini, this whole thing has been quite penguini. I had to go to New York and tell Commissioner Goodell and I had to tell him that I was disturbed by this, that I was worried for myself, worried for my family, I felt challenged by this and I had to tell him all of the creepy things that I have done. So the idea is that if he believes a crime has been committed, this man will be precluded from coaching in the NFL and that’s exactly what happened and a little bit after noon today, Mike Leach was banned from the NFL. Now, of course, we get to what was it, what was all the creepy stuff that he was going to put onto the facebook and twitter accounts and the creepy stuff was that I am an incompetent horse’s ass, who ruins franchises, and once criticized Michael Crabtree. Now, my response to that is, yes I am. I am an incompetent horse’s ass, who ruins franchises, and once criticized Michael Crabtree. Would this be embarrassing if I were forced to make this public, perhaps it would, especially for those who hired me. That’s a decision for them to make, if they want to come public and talk about how I duped them, I’ll never go public and talk about how I duped them and what I didn’t want is a guy saying, I know you’re an incompetent horse’s ass, who ruins franchises, and once criticized Michael Crabtree, so I would like you to read this statement or I’m going to make trouble for you. So, that’s where we stand right now. I just want to thank the people of the Hoodie Patriot Bureau and the Big Tuna Defensive Assistants Office. Bill Parcells, who is head of that. It’s been a very bizarre experience. I feel like I need to protect my organization, my family, I need to protect myself, I hope to protect my job and everyone who has supported me through this. And I don’t plan to say much more about this on this particular topic, so thank you for letting me bend your ear. And now, I know what you’re saying, we always knew he was an incompetent horse’s ass. That’s what Commissioner Goodell said also. Thank you for your patience. I hope a few more of you will see us lose next week. Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Seymour’s Solicitation: God Save Me

On September 6, the New England Patriots traded Richard Seymour to the Oakland Raiders. Most players join their new squads immediately. Seymour ignored the inevitable and requested divine intervention.
[People’s Baptist Church: Boston, Massachusetts]

[Richard Seymour kneels before an alter]

Richard Seymour: God, it’s me.

God: Richard. With what I’ve seen on sportscenter, I’m surprised you have the time.

Richard Seymour: Are you busy?

God: Just watching the game, having a Bud.
Richard Seymour: God, I’ve always said faith, family, football.

God: I know you have.

Richard Seymour: My wife and I pray and we would’ve gone to church, but I had to work.

God: I understand.

Richard Seymour: Then why?

God: I’m kind of into testing people and after $54 million, five pro bowls, and three titles, you deserved some adversity.
Richard Seymour: Weren’t there other options? Disease... Injury…. What about an illegitimate child?

God: Each of those were to simplistic. Diseases are curable. You’ve had injuries. And I tried an illegitimate child with Tom Brady…

Richard Seymour: But, why the Raiders?

God: After Al Davis, Randy Moss’ escape, Super Bowl XXXVII, and the Tuck Rule, don’t you think I owed them?

Contributors: Spastik Moose & Platinum Smalls

Josh McDaniels Uses His Delusion

During his initial seven months, Denver Coach Josh McDaniels has had one irrefutable problem... An identity crisis…
[Denver Broncos Headquarters: Inglewood, Colorado]

[Owner Pat Bowlen, General Manager Brian Xanders, and Coach Josh McDaniels are seated inside Bowlen’s office]

Pat Bowlen: I’ve received forty-seven calls regarding Brandon Marshall’s suspension. First, we trade away our franchise quarterback. Now, we sit a Pro Bowl wide receiver. What should I tell reporters?

Josh McDaniels: Bill Belichick wins without stars. We’ll win without stars.

Brian Xanders: What’s your strategy with Marshall? Is this suspension it?

Josh McDaniels: I’ll deal with Brandon in the same way Bill Belichick dealt with Terry Glenn. If he doesn’t get the message, we’ll deactivate him.
Pat Bowlen: You’ll deactivate him?

Josh McDaniels: Yes. Players are expendable and we have to build this franchise in my image. Bill Belichick released Lawyer Milloy and traded Drew Bledsoe and we won two Super Bowls.

Pat Bowlen: And what should I say about Kyle Orton?

Josh McDaniels: Kyle Orton is unproven, but so was Tom Brady and Bill Belichick made him a franchise quarterback.

Pat Bowlen: And you’ll make Kyle Orton one?

Josh McDaniels: Bill Belichick and I coached together. Tom Brady and Kyle Orton both attended Big Ten schools. Success should be assumed.
Pat Bowlen: How long should fans wait for the success?

Josh McDaniels: Bill Belichick went 5-11 in 2000. I think that is a reasonable expectation.

Pat Bowlen: So you’ll take us from virtual playoff team to our worst record in ten years and that’s success?

Josh McDaniels: Bill Belichick took the Patriots from 8-8 to their worst record in seven years and then he won a Super Bowl. And let’s be honest, you hired me because this decade’s trophy case is as empty as the Rocky Mountain News offices.

Pat Bowlen: Josh, we’re a great franchise with great fans. If you’re unsuccessful, it’s on you.

Josh McDaniels: Mr. Bowlen, Bill Belichick made a great franchise with great fans better and so will I.

Pat Bowlen: Good. But, don’t wear a hooded sweatshirt into another meeting with me.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Entourage Enjoys Patriots Day

On Entourage, Tom Brady befriended the Chase brothers, conquered them on the course, and revealed Gisele Bündchen’s passions… While Turtle’s obligation, New Yorkers must suggest Brady “sucks balls,” seemed ridiculous based upon Super Bowl XLII’s result, the episode remained amusing.

Ultimately, Brady invites Turtle and factual-fictional girlfriend Jamie Lynn Soprano to dinner… Turtle accepts and suggests Brady should be a New York Giant (Does Eli Manning suck balls?)…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls