Football, Firearms, Extremists, & Enthusiasts

According to multiple reports, ammunition demand has induced scarcity. According to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, 2011 may commence with a lockout.

If firearms and football appear unrelated, two neighbors recent interaction should illustrate the connection.
[Maryville, Tennessee]

[Daniel Kefauver stands outside his house as Direct TV employees enter and exit. Across the street, Sam Flatt unloads boxes from his truck. Kefauver observes this and approaches him.]

Daniel Kefauver: You want some help?

Sam Flatt: Thank you.

Daniel Kefauver: What’s in the boxes?

Sam Flatt: S&W nine millimeter federal hollow points.

Daniel Kefauver: There must be forty boxes in here.
Sam Flatt: Can’t take any chances. Buford Hickcok Obamunist wants our guns.

Daniel Kefauver: Obama. His name is Barack Obama.

[Flatt reacts with angered silence]

Sam Flatt: Why’s everyone at your house?

Daniel Kefauver: We’re rewiring our electronics.

Sam Flatt: Good thinking. You know he had special communist chips put in the tv’s.

Daniel Kefauver: We bought extra DVR’s, so we can record every NFL game.

Sam Flatt: You spent thousands to tape football?

Daniel Kefauver: You spent thousands on unnecessary ammunition. How are we different?

Sam Flatt: Son, the second amendment is the reset button on the constitution.

Daniel Kefauver: The NFL is the reset button on back to school, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve… Every important aspect of life.

Sam Flatt: Do you know what would happened if our guns disappeared?

Daniel Kefauver: I can imagine what would happen if football disappeared.

Sam Flatt: Son, I can draw you a line… First it’s the guns, then the doctors, then the churches, and our jobs and our kids…

Daniel Kefauver: If the NFL locks out their players, those same things could happen.

Sam Flatt: What about the players who carry guns?

Daniel Kefauver: Yeah… Plaxico Burress won’t be in any games I record.

Sam Flatt: You know if I could give you numbers…

Daniel Kefauver: Why can’t you?

Sam Flatt: Do I look like I can count? If I gave you numbers about guns you would cry.

Daniel Kefauver: I can give you numbers about football and if the revenues were reduced, millions would cry.

Sam Flatt: It’s like Glenn Beck said, your hunting rights are at stake. Your gun rights are at stake. I want America to wake up.

Daniel Kefauver: I want America to wake up also. If the NFL locks out or strikes, I’ll suffer. Children will suffer. Cities and states will suffer.

Sam Flatt: Son, you just don’t get it. If guns disappear, then it’s communism… socialism… and we play soccer…

Daniel Kefauver: You’ll play soccer. I’ll just watch one of the games I recorded.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Their Causes Differ, Their Hopes Diverge & Their Dreams Couldn’t Be More Dissimilar

As the New York Jets premiere supporter, Ira Lieberfarb is opinionated and passionate. While fans comprehend his enthusiasm, pompous provincialists abhor it.

During a recent interaction, this was obvious.
[Chase Bank: Queens, New York]

[Ira Lieberfarb and Colin Flynn are each completing deposit slips, when Lieberfarb observes a button Flynn is wearing]

Ira Lieberfarb: Edward M. Kennedy…

Colin Flynn: He gave me this button in 1962. Now that Teddy’s passed, I think national healthcare may be impossible.

Ira Lieberfarb: I know how you feel.

Colin Flynn: You’re a liberal?

Ira Lieberfarb: No… I mean the hopelessness. I felt that when Broadway Joe opened Bachelor’s Three.
Colin Flynn: Are you comparing the uninsured’s suffering to somewhere I used to drink?

Ira Lieberfarb: Are you ignoring our suffering? We made the AFL and since he opened that bar, we’ve never won again. The Pittsburgh Steelers, with their disgusting fans and players, have won six and we haven’t won any.

Colin Flynn: America has one hundred and fifty uninsured people per physician. If the millionaires who built your stadium would wake up, we could solve that problem.

Ira Lieberfarb: The Meadowlands seats 2,265 people for every year since our Super Bowl appearance. If the millionaires who sit in Congress would regulate the NFL, we could solve that problem.

Colin Flynn: Ted Kennedy’s cause was healthcare and you’re using it as a punch line.

Ira Lieberfarb: The New York Jets are my cause and Fireman Ed uses me as a punch line.
Colin Flynn: America’s uninsured exceeds our sixty-five and over population, our African-American population, and our Hispanic population. Can you equate football with that?

Ira Lieberfarb: Since we won a conference championship, the Boston Red Sox have won the World Series twice. Can you understand that pain?

Colin Flynn: The uninsured exceeds Iraq’s population. The Jets could have chosen a quarterback. Instead, you picked Richard Todd, Ken O’Brien, Chad Pennington, and Browning Nagle.

Ira Lieberfarb: Senator Kennedy opposed Iraq and he could have had healthcare…

Colin Flynn: How?

Ira Lieberfarb: Richard Nixon.

Colin Flynn: Senator Kennedy succeeded without him. The State Children’s Health Insurance Plan has benefited thousands.

Ira Lieberfarb: If one of those children grows up as a Patriots or Steelers fan, how does that benefit anyone?
Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge