Republican Pariah Prioritizes Friends, Tweeps Over Viewers

As Republican National Committee Chair of Victory, Carly Fiorina was a catastrophe. As NHL Senior President of Marketing, she remains a nightmare. [NHL Headquarters: New York, New York]

[Commissioner Gary Bettman and Senior Vice President of Marketing Carly Fiorina are seated inside Bettman's office]

Gary Bettman: Our season starts tonight and Direct TV won’t compromise. What if they won’t restore Versus? What’s our solution?

Carly Fiorina: Twitter.

Gary Bettman: Twitter is our solution?

Carly Fiorina: Six million visitors per month, it’s one of the fifty most popular websites, one of the fastest growing websites, it’s been described as remarkably simple. Celebrities, fans, players, reporters all use it. Gary Bettman: We had real growth last season, which in this economic climate is amazing and you propose exchanging eighteen million households of daily viewers for six million viewers per month?

Carly Fiorina: Facebook has three hundred million users worldwide. Users can create, join, and interact with fan pages, create groups, add friends, send them messages, join city, school, region, and workplace networks, update their status, send gifts and links, view news feeds and China, Iran, and Syria allow the website.

Gary Bettman: China, Iran, and Syria? Our fans are not in those countries.

Carly Fiorina: Our fans are not in Carolina and Nashville and we market those cities.
Gary Bettman: Any other solutions?

Carly Fiorina: Zimbio is an online magazine publisher, one of the fastest growing websites, they’ve launched Zimbio TV, and they cover current events, entertainment, and sports.

Gary Bettman: You’re marking ideas are interesting, but we should discuss our television situation. How can we grow if fans can’t watch?

Carly Fiorina: You’re ESPN contract concluded in 2004?

Gary Bettman: Correct.

Carly Fiorina: And you’re NBC contract started in 2005?

Gary Bettman: Correct.

Carly Fiorina: No one has watched one of your games in five years.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Stupidity Nation

According to Bill Maher (hush conservatives), America is “this stupid country.” One may argue his word choice, but the statistics are indisputable. Fifty percent cannot name any branch of government. Fifty percent are unaware their state has two senators. Fifty percent cannot name their congress person.

If Americans cannot comprehend civics, what is their sports aptitude? The statistics are indisputable.

Following the 1994 World Cup, 70% of Americans thought soccer would succeed in this nation. Fifteen years later, Corona drinkers and Posh Spice fans still do.

At a recent city council meeting in Columbus, Ohio, a man stood up and demanded a professional sports franchise in his city.

This country is a college chick after three Washington apple shots… We can be talked into anything, such as soccer, and convinced of anything, such as the professional franchise we already have isn’t professional. Listen to these statistics…

A majority of Americans cannot name a single Tennessee Titans wide receiver or explain illegal defense…

Twenty-four percent cannot name the franchise known as the Black Sox…
More than two-thirds of Americans don’t know the conference their alma mater is in or what NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman does…

Some of this stuff you should be able to pick up simply by being alive… Like Florida residents, who know they must hate Georgia…

Nearly half of Americans don’t know that New Jersey has two football teams…

More than half can’t name their franchise’s starting goalie…
And Rick Pitino needed three attempts to name his wife…

People complain about their franchise’s spending… They have no idea what their franchise’s spend money on… The average sports fan thinks ticket sales are important… And then they argue the price of the ticket…
A third of Michigan fans think Jim Tressel illegally recruits and a third of Ohio State fans think Rich Rodriguez victories are fixed, which is an absurd sentence because it contains the words Rodriguez and victories…

Michael Vick has apologized to his fans, even though a Gallup poll says eighteen percent of them would have bet on his dogs… They’re not stupid… They’re animal rights mavericks…
And here is one more fun fact I will leave you with… Did you know only about half of Americans are aware that CBS Sports is older than Fox Sports? That’s right, half of America watches a network that employed Jack Buck and can’t figure out that they are older than a network that employs his son, Joe Buck.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls