Mangini Confesses Pirate’s Plot

Following his grand jury testimony, David Letterman acknowledged an awkward encounter. Following the Cleveland Browns fourth consecutive defeat, Coach Eric Mangini confessed a similar scenario.

Eric Mangini: I’m glad none of you attended this afternoon because I have a little story that I would like to tell you and my remaining supporters. Do you feel like a story? This started six weeks ago in the preseason and I got up early and I come to work early and I go out and I get into my car and in the backseat of my car, there’s a package I don’t recognize and have never seen before and don’t usually receive packages six in the morning in the back of my car. I guess you can, Tom Brady used to… So, I get to looking through it and there’s a letter in the package and it says I know that you do terrible, terrible things and I can prove that you do these terrible things and sure enough contained in the package was stuff to prove that I do terrible things. At six in the morning and maybe this looks better to you in a post game press conference, but six in the morning, all you can think about is every terrible thing you’ve ever done in your entire life. So, I go through it and I study it and what this is is a guy is going to create a twitter page about me and that’s good news for Cleveland isn’t it? And he’s going to take all the terrible stuff that he knows about my life and he seems to in this packet, there seems to be quite a lot of terrible stuff he knows about me and he’s going to put it onto twitter, unless I repeat a specifically worded statement. I’m like you, I think, really, that’s a little , and this is the word I actually used, that’s a little penguini. I just want to reiterate how terrifying this moment is because there’s something very insidious about is he standing down there? Is he hiding under the car? Am I going to get a tap on the shoulder? You immediately, because I am motivated by nothing but arrogance. If you know anything about me, I am just an obese mass of pudgy New England arrogance. So I get to Berea and I say to myself, I hate doing things like this, but maybe I’ll call my agent, so I call my agent and he takes a look at it and he says let’s schedule a meeting with the guy just to see what he has in mind. So there’s a meeting with the guy and it turns out, yes in fact, I must read this specifically worded statement or he’s going to create this twitter page about all the terrible things that I do. Embarrassing, terrible things. At that point, my attorney and I say wow, this really is penguini. So then we call an operation called the Hoodie Patriot Bureau, which is a division of the Big Tuna Defensive Assistants Office. We call down there and we say can we run a couple of things by you Bill and so we took the stuff to him and he says whoa hello this is blackmail. So he said what you want to do is get another meeting with this guy and find out if he’s serious, because you know we’ve all lost a close game and stuff like this slip through the cracks, you inadvertently blackmail someone. So, we had the second meeting and the question was posed, are you aware that this is serious, this could be a crime and he said I’m fine with that and oh by the way, not only will I create a twitter account, I will create a facebook account also and I thought well that’s nice, you have a companion piece, you have the facebook, you have the twitter and what do you read the facebook first then read the twitter? Do you read the twitter, then read the facebook? Do you read the facebook on your laptop and the twitter on your blackberry? It’s all coming up Sopranos for me, because remember, this guy knows creepy stuff about me. So, we had the second meeting and he was reassured that everything was just fine and then a third meeting was arranged and if there’s a lighthearted moment in any of this and I’m not sure there is, the third meeting is arranged whereby he gives me the statement I’m supposed to read, now I don’t think I’ve mentioned this up to now, but the entire package and the statement is written on pirate stationary. So, the statement is given to me, written on pirate stationary and because I’m such a bonehead, have you ever celebrated international talk like a pirate day? I tried to rehearse the statement for him by talking like a pirate. So now this guy is walking around, expecting me to read this statement and the idea is now, although he’s given no guarantees, he’s still saying you never know, I may just create the facebook and twitter accounts, so for that guarantee, I’m supposed to read this statement. So, this morning, I did something I’ve never done in my life and it was a combination of unusual and penguini, this whole thing has been quite penguini. I had to go to New York and tell Commissioner Goodell and I had to tell him that I was disturbed by this, that I was worried for myself, worried for my family, I felt challenged by this and I had to tell him all of the creepy things that I have done. So the idea is that if he believes a crime has been committed, this man will be precluded from coaching in the NFL and that’s exactly what happened and a little bit after noon today, Mike Leach was banned from the NFL. Now, of course, we get to what was it, what was all the creepy stuff that he was going to put onto the facebook and twitter accounts and the creepy stuff was that I am an incompetent horse’s ass, who ruins franchises, and once criticized Michael Crabtree. Now, my response to that is, yes I am. I am an incompetent horse’s ass, who ruins franchises, and once criticized Michael Crabtree. Would this be embarrassing if I were forced to make this public, perhaps it would, especially for those who hired me. That’s a decision for them to make, if they want to come public and talk about how I duped them, I’ll never go public and talk about how I duped them and what I didn’t want is a guy saying, I know you’re an incompetent horse’s ass, who ruins franchises, and once criticized Michael Crabtree, so I would like you to read this statement or I’m going to make trouble for you. So, that’s where we stand right now. I just want to thank the people of the Hoodie Patriot Bureau and the Big Tuna Defensive Assistants Office. Bill Parcells, who is head of that. It’s been a very bizarre experience. I feel like I need to protect my organization, my family, I need to protect myself, I hope to protect my job and everyone who has supported me through this. And I don’t plan to say much more about this on this particular topic, so thank you for letting me bend your ear. And now, I know what you’re saying, we always knew he was an incompetent horse’s ass. That’s what Commissioner Goodell said also. Thank you for your patience. I hope a few more of you will see us lose next week. Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Chad Ocho Cinco’s Child Please Commentaries

Chad Johnson: Ocho Cinco fixed and planted the Lambeau Leap? Why my haters not respect creativity? Why they call me a fraud? I said I would leap and I leaped. I didn’t say w here I would leap. I didn’t say how I would leap. I didn’t say into who I would leap. I said I would leap and I was more than the voice of authority, the voice of reason, I am the platinum playmaker turned platinum celebrator and this is a victorious Child Please commentaries…
CP Commentary One: Milton Bradley accepted his suspension. Accepted his suspension? CHILD PLEASE. You think Chris Henry said Commissioner Goodell, eight games is excessive, I only want four. You think Ocho Cinco name his fines? Not fifteen thousand, ten thousand. I danced that’s only worth five thousand. Milton Bradley hit less home runs than Ramon Hernandez and played on more teams than Tank Johnson. He should volunteer for that suspension.
CP Commentary Two: According to Michael Ventre, Jet fan has been wearing the same twelve jersey since the sixth grade. Before Jet fan say anything and you know they still screamin four letters that ain’t the team name, they should admit that they not the king of no hill, they not the top of no help, they and their city should just stay asleep. Jet fan get a big CHILD PLEASE.
CP Commentary Three: President Obama plans another cash program. People can swap they old appliances like they cars. CHILD PLEASE. America need a Cash for Chad program. Trade Chad Johnson jerseys for cash and buy a brand new Ocho Cinco jersey. Stores sell more jerseys, they hire more people, people have more money, and they spend that money to watch Ocho Cinco play.
CP Commentary Four: Lloyd’s of London made Mark McGwire take andro. Who Lloyd’s of London? Did Jim Carrey remake that movie? Did Ari’s assistant relocate? And how they tell an athlete take drugs? McGwire couldn’t say no? He couldn’t scream this will ruin my career? CHILD PLEASE. What next? Barry Bonds say he had to take steroids?
Chad Johnson: Until next time, this is Eighty-five, aka Ocho Cinco, aka the Black Mexican saying in Chad You Must Trust… I pay my fines and I don’t use no juice!

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Football, Firearms, Extremists, & Enthusiasts

According to multiple reports, ammunition demand has induced scarcity. According to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, 2011 may commence with a lockout.

If firearms and football appear unrelated, two neighbors recent interaction should illustrate the connection.
[Maryville, Tennessee]

[Daniel Kefauver stands outside his house as Direct TV employees enter and exit. Across the street, Sam Flatt unloads boxes from his truck. Kefauver observes this and approaches him.]

Daniel Kefauver: You want some help?

Sam Flatt: Thank you.

Daniel Kefauver: What’s in the boxes?

Sam Flatt: S&W nine millimeter federal hollow points.

Daniel Kefauver: There must be forty boxes in here.
Sam Flatt: Can’t take any chances. Buford Hickcok Obamunist wants our guns.

Daniel Kefauver: Obama. His name is Barack Obama.

[Flatt reacts with angered silence]

Sam Flatt: Why’s everyone at your house?

Daniel Kefauver: We’re rewiring our electronics.

Sam Flatt: Good thinking. You know he had special communist chips put in the tv’s.

Daniel Kefauver: We bought extra DVR’s, so we can record every NFL game.

Sam Flatt: You spent thousands to tape football?

Daniel Kefauver: You spent thousands on unnecessary ammunition. How are we different?

Sam Flatt: Son, the second amendment is the reset button on the constitution.

Daniel Kefauver: The NFL is the reset button on back to school, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve… Every important aspect of life.

Sam Flatt: Do you know what would happened if our guns disappeared?

Daniel Kefauver: I can imagine what would happen if football disappeared.

Sam Flatt: Son, I can draw you a line… First it’s the guns, then the doctors, then the churches, and our jobs and our kids…

Daniel Kefauver: If the NFL locks out their players, those same things could happen.

Sam Flatt: What about the players who carry guns?

Daniel Kefauver: Yeah… Plaxico Burress won’t be in any games I record.

Sam Flatt: You know if I could give you numbers…

Daniel Kefauver: Why can’t you?

Sam Flatt: Do I look like I can count? If I gave you numbers about guns you would cry.

Daniel Kefauver: I can give you numbers about football and if the revenues were reduced, millions would cry.

Sam Flatt: It’s like Glenn Beck said, your hunting rights are at stake. Your gun rights are at stake. I want America to wake up.

Daniel Kefauver: I want America to wake up also. If the NFL locks out or strikes, I’ll suffer. Children will suffer. Cities and states will suffer.

Sam Flatt: Son, you just don’t get it. If guns disappear, then it’s communism… socialism… and we play soccer…

Daniel Kefauver: You’ll play soccer. I’ll just watch one of the games I recorded.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Pryor, Vick Share Black Eye Interest

On Saturday, Terrelle Pryor’s eye black was inscribed “Vick.” While the quarterbacks are similar, Pryor’s adoration is non-athletic, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which someone e-mailed us after walking their dog)…
Terrelle Pryor: Thanks for texting me.
Michael Vick: Thanks for the support.
Terrelle Pryor: You saw the eye black message?
Michael Vick: Heard people loved it as much as Philadelphia loves me.
Terrelle Pryor: Did you watch the game?
Michael Vick: No, we had practice. Snatching Donovan’s spot is tough.
Terrelle Pryor: You’ll snatch it. I’ve watched you since I was ten.
Michael Vick: With the Falcons or Virginia Tech?
Terelle Pryor: I’ve watched your dogs.
Michael Vick: You knew Bad Newz?
Terrelle Pryor: My boys and I, we bet on the fights.
Michael Vick: What was your favorite?
Terrelle Pryor: Hokie and Hurricane at Canine of the Ring. Hurricane’s leg was so bloody, I thought they’d chop it off.
Michael Vick: Who was your favorite dog?
Terrelle Pryor: Seminole. The way he dodged…Reminded me of you in that Vikings game.
Michael Vick: Seminole was sweet.
Terrelle Pryor: Was he the best?
Michael Vick: Him or Terrapin. She could fight for a bitch. She’d sucker the other dog. She was a con artist.
Terrelle Pryor: Like you with Commissioner Goodell?
Michael Vick: Sometimes you gotta dance for those judging white suits.
Terrelle Pryor: I know that.
Michael Vick: I know you do. Say hello to Coach Tressel for me.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls