Today’s Entrance Music

Cry

Following Monday’s press conference, Rich Rodriguez warrants this selection. Did Michigan fans see forever in his eyes?

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

From Hitler to Hillbillies: Tears Rod Addresses Allegations

According to ESPN (where news periodically interrupts Brett Favre), Michigan violated offseason practice and training restrictions. Rich Rodriguez rejected these allegations and with his tears asserted pomposity is not incompetence.

For those who don’t speak overestimated, underachieving, potentially fired coach, I’ve provided this translation…

Rodriguez: “I guess the thing that bothered me the most about the things that were recently written or said, or maybe some things in the last 18 months, was the perception that was out there sometimes that we did not care as much for our players' welfare—and that is disheartening.”

[I guess the thing that bothered me the most about the things that were recently written or said, is that everyone is saying them. No one supports us in this state, in this country… I bet even Hitler is upset and that’s disheartening.]

Rodriguez: “To say that is misleading, inaccurate and goes against everything I've ever believed in coaching. I love working with our staff, I love our players like I love my own family. My family loves our players. It's why they're at every practice. You guys that have followed us know that. That's the way [it is] throughout our whole staff.”

[To say that these allegations are one hundred percent untrue is misleading, inaccurate, and that’s why I’m crying. I love working everyone this way. I love that everyone will think I’m emotional about our staff or our players, when really I’m deflecting your attention and scoring sympathy points. It’s why I practice this every day. You guys that have followed us don’t know that.]

Rodriguez: “You know, when I left West Virginia, I didn't leave my brains and my caring for my players when I came to Michigan. We're proud of the way our programs have been run. I've been a head coach for 16 years, and we've been fortunate to have eight league championships. But more than anything else, we've graduated a whole lot of guys, and a lot of them were first-generation college students. A lot of them were great success stories. A lot of them still maintain contact with me and my staff to this day.”

[You know, when I reneged on my contract, shredded documents, and left West Virginia, I didn’t leave my brains and my caring for my players when I came to Michigan. Brains aren’t required to run an offense that a high school coach could have written on a cocktail napkin and players are expendable, so why lose sleep over them? I’ve been a head coach for 16 years, and we’ve been fortunate to win eight league championships. Never mind, I won the first four at Glenville State and the second four against competition weaker than Appalachian State opposes. But, more than anything else, we’ve graduated a lot of guys… At Glenville State and West Virginia, it was hard not to. A lot of them were first generation college students. A lot of them were great success stories. A lot of them still maintain contact with me and my staff to this day. At Glenville State and West Virginia, it didn’t take a lot to be a first generation student or a great success story. And the reason they still maintain contact, is that college football was the high point of their coal mining lives.]
Rodriguez: “So I guess I'm here to tell you that, whatever you've heard or want to believe, the truth of the matter is that this coaching staff cares very deeply about the young men in our program—always has, always will. We care very deeply about this institution. We know the rules.”

[So I guess I’m here to tell you that, whatever you’ve heard or want to believe is likely true. I’ll deflect your attention again by talking about caring and making an emphatic statement such as we know the rules. We know the rules, we don’t always follow them, and sometimes ignore them, but we know them.]

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Stupidity Nation

According to Bill Maher (hush conservatives), America is “this stupid country.” One may argue his word choice, but the statistics are indisputable. Fifty percent cannot name any branch of government. Fifty percent are unaware their state has two senators. Fifty percent cannot name their congress person.

If Americans cannot comprehend civics, what is their sports aptitude? The statistics are indisputable.

Following the 1994 World Cup, 70% of Americans thought soccer would succeed in this nation. Fifteen years later, Corona drinkers and Posh Spice fans still do.

At a recent city council meeting in Columbus, Ohio, a man stood up and demanded a professional sports franchise in his city.

This country is a college chick after three Washington apple shots… We can be talked into anything, such as soccer, and convinced of anything, such as the professional franchise we already have isn’t professional. Listen to these statistics…

A majority of Americans cannot name a single Tennessee Titans wide receiver or explain illegal defense…

Twenty-four percent cannot name the franchise known as the Black Sox…
More than two-thirds of Americans don’t know the conference their alma mater is in or what NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman does…

Some of this stuff you should be able to pick up simply by being alive… Like Florida residents, who know they must hate Georgia…

Nearly half of Americans don’t know that New Jersey has two football teams…

More than half can’t name their franchise’s starting goalie…
And Rick Pitino needed three attempts to name his wife…

People complain about their franchise’s spending… They have no idea what their franchise’s spend money on… The average sports fan thinks ticket sales are important… And then they argue the price of the ticket…
A third of Michigan fans think Jim Tressel illegally recruits and a third of Ohio State fans think Rich Rodriguez victories are fixed, which is an absurd sentence because it contains the words Rodriguez and victories…

Michael Vick has apologized to his fans, even though a Gallup poll says eighteen percent of them would have bet on his dogs… They’re not stupid… They’re animal rights mavericks…
And here is one more fun fact I will leave you with… Did you know only about half of Americans are aware that CBS Sports is older than Fox Sports? That’s right, half of America watches a network that employed Jack Buck and can’t figure out that they are older than a network that employs his son, Joe Buck.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls