Friday, August 21, 2009

Sports Trivialized

This afternoon, I was reading US Weekly and I could not comprehend their “news.” "She was laughing at all his jokes and they were sitting so close…”
As I read, I mused… What if they covered sports?

Josh Beckett: The World Series MVP recently downloaded several country music hits onto his I-pod… “It could be motivation or an attempt at matchmaking,” says a Beckett insider. “Country’s been helpful with both.”
Kobe Bryant: Spotted! The four time champion and former adulterer browsing necklaces inside Stein Diamonds. “He was asking carat weights and he said he didn’t care about price,” said a witness.

Chad Johnson: Despite an alleged metacarpal fracture, Ocho Cinco was seen twittering as he enjoyed Cranberry and Red Bull, inside the Havana Martini Night Club. “Child please,” said the flamboyant wide out. “Nothing stops my twitter.”
Peyton Manning: Wearing jean shorts, a striped polo, and a Colts hat, the signal caller snacked on Hydrox and lounged on the deck of his condo. “He’s never really liked Oreos,” a source told US.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Wikipedia: Collaborative, Free, & Mark Based

You Tube’s infiltration was insufficient… On Wikipedia, professional wrestling addicts are chronicling every controversy, maneuver, match, pay per view, stable, storyline, and wrestler ever realized. Anyone skeptical should observe these search results…
Montreal Screwjob
The Montreal Screwjob was the real life double-crossing of defending WWF Champion Bret Hart by Vince McMahon, the owner of the World Wrestling Federation (WWF), during the main event match of the professional wrestling pay-per-view event Survivor Series held on November 9, 1997 at the Molson Centre in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. A secret change of the match's pre-determined finish (known as a "shoot screwjob" in professional wrestling parlance) was devised by McMahon and discussed with Hart's match opponent, Shawn Michaels. The plan was executed when the match referee, Earl Hebner, under orders from McMahon, called for the bell to ring and ended the match as Michaels held Hart in the Sharpshooter submission hold (Hart's signature finishing move), even though Hart had not submitted. Michaels was declared the victor by submission and crowned as the new WWF Champion.

Sharpshooter
The Sharpshooter, originally named Sasori-gatame, Scorpion Hold in English[1], is a professional wrestling submission hold. The move is also known several other names: cloverleaf leg-lace Boston crab, standing inverted figure four leglock, and, the most commonly-known alternative, Scorpion Deathlock. Despite its original Scorpion Hold name, the move is still commonly known by its Bret Hart-given nickname Sharpshooter. Despite Japanese professional wrestler, Riki Chōshū, being given credit by fans with the creation of the move,[2] the move is generally associated with Canadian Bret Hart.[3]

Hell in A Cell
A Hell in a Cell match is a match seen in World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) in which the ring and ringside area is surrounded by a 20-foot-high roofed steel cage (or "cell") structure weighing over 5 tons. This is billed as the "amplified" version of the original, which was 16 feet high and weighed over 2 tons.
Summer Slam
The main event a Singles match for the WWF Championship between Steve Austin and The Undertaker. Austin won the match via pinfall after a Stunner to retain the WWF Championship. The main match on the undercard featured a ladder match for the WWF Intercontinental Championship between Triple H and The Rock, which Triple H won to win the Intercontinental Championship.

The Kliq
The Kliq (sometimes spelled as Clique) was a backstage group in the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) during the mid-1990s, which some claim held virtually all booking power and were accused of refusing to be fair to anyone outside of the group. The group was composed of Shawn Michaels, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Sean Waltman, and Paul Levesque. In 1996, The Kliq broke character at a house show at Madison Square Garden in an incident referred to as the "Curtain Call: The MSG Incident", an event which affected the WWF's subsequent storylines and development.

NWO Hostile Takeover
The match Bischoff promised, a six-man tag known as the "Hostile Takeover Match," served as the main event of Bash At The Beach the following month. Hall and Nash came to the ring by themselves, leaving speculation open as to who would be their partner. Gene Okerlund came into the ring immediately following Hall and Nash's entrance and, after discussing the situation with ring announcer Michael Buffer and referee Randy Anderson, demanded that The Outsiders tell him where the third man was. Hall and Nash assured Okerlund that their partner was in the building, but they did not need him at the moment. After Okerlund left the ring, The Outsiders finally found out who they would be facing: Lex Luger, Sting, and Randy Savage. As a show of solidarity, all three men came to the ring with painted faces (which Sting had always done but Luger and Savage had never done).
Razor Ramon
Hall signed a contract with the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) in 1992 and his character evolved from Scott Hall to that of Razor Ramon, a Cuban American from Miami.[9][20] The Latino-heel persona was modeled after Tony Montana and Manny Ray (Al Pacino and Steven Bauer's characters from the movie Scarface).[20] Hall's nickname (The Bad Guy) and catchphrase ("Say hello to The Bad Guy") derive from quotes from the movie; "Say hello to my little friend" and "Say goodnight to the bad guy".[20] Later in his career, Hall claimed he pitched the idea of a Scarface-like character during a meeting with Vince McMahon and Pat Patterson, as a joke.[9] Hall quoted lines with a Cuban accent and gave ideas for vignettes (also inspired by the movie) that would involve Hall recreating several scenes, such as Ramon driving around South Florida in a convertible with a leopard-skin interior.[9] Although his pitch was taken right from the film, Hall claims McMahon and Patterson were nevertheless floored by the ideas and called Hall a "genius."[9] Hall later learned that neither McMahon nor Patterson had ever seen or heard of the movie; thus, they believed that Hall was coming up with the ideas right then and there.[9]

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

Mr. Belvedere
From 1985-1990, this series amused and educated. Belvedere (1947 novel), Sitting Pretty (1948 movie), Mr. Belvedere Goes to College (1947 movie), Mr. Belvedere Rings the Bell (1951 movie), and three unreleased pilots inspired the sitcom.


Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

The World Should Revolve Around Me

Brett Favre’s mantra includes an energetic rhythm and asks a very important question… Which came first? The Chicken Nugget or the Egg McMuffin

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Delusional Discipline: How Pretend Punishments Altered History

On Thursday, Memphis pretended away their 2007-2008 season. While this punishment rivals sentencing a child to their room’s plasma and x-box, Googling Atlee Hammaker also mused… What if rescinded seasons never occurred?
Massachusetts (1995-1996): With Marcus Camby and Carmelo Travieso, the Connecticut Huskies score the tournament’s top seed. In the national semi-finals, the transfers tally twenty-seven and twenty-four points. Unfortunately, Kentucky slips the Huskies in a thriller. The Wildcats win the national championship. The New Jersey Nets hire Rick Pitino. Kentucky hires Florida Coach Lon Kruger.

Memphis (2007-2008): In the 2008 NCAA Championship, Darren Collison hits a triple over Mario Chalmers, awarding UCLA their twelfth national title. Convinced basketball is their embodiment, UCLA disbands their football program. Rick Neuheisel seeks employment as a professional gambler. The Los Angeles Times launches an online opinion poll, asking readers what should be done with the Rose Bowl?
Michigan (1991-1992): After Chris Jent’s jump shot wins the southeast regional, the Ohio State Buckeyes and Cincinnati Bearcats stage an epic semi-final. The Buckeyes win in three overtimes. Unfortunately, Duke obliterates them in the title tilt. Randy Ayers’ tournament success earns him a five year extension. Bobby Huggins’ tournament success earns him another employer, the University of Michigan.

Ohio State (1998-1999): On TNT NBA Thursday, Charles Barkley boasts “Auburn will win the national title.” Forty-eight hours after this statement, Connecticut scorches the south regional champions. Duke wins an exquisite title contest. Ohio State, who self-imposed their tournament withdraw, is punished again in another sport. Youngstown State Coach Jim Tressel excoriates their “culture of corruption.” He declines their coaching position. Ohio State hires Minnesota Coach Glenn Mason. The Buckeyes endure five consecutive defeats versus Michigan.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls & Sterling Buckeye

2009 Googling Atlee Hammaker Primetime Premiere Live Blog Schedule

September 14: Gossip Girl (8:30)

September 14: The Jay Leno Show (10:00)

September 17: Parks & Recreation (8:00)

September 21: House (7:30)

September 23: Parenthood (7:30)

September 23: Modern Family (9:00)

September 24: Grey’s Anatomy (8:30)

And I’m Googling

Nicole Scherzinger

Despite Pussycat Dolls album and single success, Her Name is Nicole was an unmitigated debacle.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

What About Me

Brett Favre’s perfect characterization is maudlin, overdramatic, and theatrical… It also asks the question his every shrug, sound bite, and statement pantomimed…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Mark’s Heads Revisited

Clearly, Googling Atlee Hammaker underestimated professional wrestling addicts. Pay per views presented as miniseries?

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

Zeljko Ivanek
From series to the silver screen, his credits include thirty-one movie and twenty-one television appearances. Ivank is the actor one recognizes, but can never name.


Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Rio

Brazil was this selection’s inspiration. However, “Her Name is Rio” evokes the perfect, unattainable vixen.

Duran Duran’s exotic serenade epitomizes the excess decade.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Favre’s Maxim: The World Revolves Around Me

On Tuesday, Brett Favre renounced retirement again. While virtually everyone anticipated this, Vikings Coach Brad Childress appeared shocked, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which was overheard by someone relaxing in their purple number four jersey)…
Brad Childress: Why’d your change your mind?
Brett Favre: The last month was very important.
Brad Childress: You had time to clear your head and think?
Brett Favre: No… Everyone was about me.
Brad Childress: I don’t understand.
Brett Favre: ESPN saying how can they win without Brett. Fox Sports reporting anonymous players said I would return. Papers charting the sale of my jersey…
Brad Childress: This month was about ego?
Brett Favre: This month made you realize my importance.
Brad Childress: Brett, you’re a Hall of Famer. But, I’ll remind you there’s no I in team.
Brett Favre: And I’ll remind you there are in victories, division titles, and rings. None of which are possible without me.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Press Conference Theatre: Taxi Cab Charity

On August 9, Patrick and Jason Kane clashed with a cab driver. Allegedly, the Chicago cornerstone and his cousin in crime hit the hack when he could not refund them another twenty cents.

On Monday, Patrick Kane staged this news conference.
Patrick Kane: Good morning. As many of you know, I am under investigation. While I regret these circumstances, I want to say change is important. If Chicagoans can win an election with it, Chicago’s Calder Trophy winner should receive it. I’ll take your questions.

Question: Should Chicago cabbies fear you?
Patrick Kane: Absolutely not.

Question: What if they mention your minus six versus Detroit?
Patrick Kane: I would point out that we allowed nineteen goals. Then, I would beat the crap out of them.

Question: Were your two points in the conference finals a motivating factor in the assault?
Patrick Kane: My motivation was an idiot cabbie. If conference finals performance caused crime, Duncan Keith would have killed someone.

Question: Michael Vick has partnered with the Humane Society. Do you plan any charitable activity?
Patrick Kane: Yes. I have donated $1 million to start the Kane Cab Foundation, which will encourage more American born, English speaking cabbies. Our motto will be “Speak like our forefathers, you won’t get clobbered”

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Marks Make You Tube Their Own

Youtube’s premiere constituency may be professional wrestling addicts… Anyone skeptical should observe these search results…







Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

Jeffrey Lurie

As Chestnut Hill Productions President, he never produced a blockbuster. Will Michael Vick negate this?

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Best I Ever Had

So, not only has this song been stuck in my head for weeks, but it is also one of the dirtiest songs I have heard in a long time. I figure it was about time I shared with you just how happy that makes me.

Let's start the day with some beautiful, and somewhat disturbing, imagery: She call me the ref 'cause I keep it so official/ well, my shirt ain't got no stripes but I can make your _ _ _ _ _ whistle/ Like the Andy Griffith theme song....

Brilliant, genius, and right up my alley. In fact it makes me want to try for my self: She call me the Dentist 'cause her _ _ _ _ _ so afraid of me/ My room ain't got no drill but I can definately get them cavities/ Leave her numb like novacaine/ Make sure she floss every now and then....

The best part is, even though I just made that up on the spot, it ties into how I got the name 'the Dentist'- but that's a story for another day

Contributor: The Dentist

Monday, August 17, 2009

Franchise Fiction & The Truth

Recently, Indians Owner Larry Dolan was characterized as penny stingy and pound stupid. Dolan denounced our portrayal and requested a response opportunity. Dolan will espouse his excrement and I’ll respond.
Larry Dolan: Times change and franchises must change with them. I ordered Mark Shapiro to cut payroll and looking at the economy, who can blame me? Cleveland fans must realize that our lack of superstars does not necessarily mean we lack commitment to winning. In baseball, there’s an old saying, it only takes one. When the Indians accomplish my plan and win the World Series, I want an apology from every critic and fan who dared challenge my vision.

Platinum Smalls: Larry, you incontinent scrooge. Penny stingy, pound stupid, pompous geezers such as yourself should know the rules. If you want a franchise, purchase a franchise. But, Cleveland fans will not shed tears for you. Especially not when your trading away all-star after all-star, with the frequency of the white collar criminals, who walk in and out of your law firm. You criticize those who disbelieve your perpetual five year plan… I guess what your saying is that when penny stingy, pound stupid, pompous geezers such as yourself purchase franchises, your intent is never winning. Well, please spare us, geezers, and tell your fans how will you screw them in advance. Then they can choose another franchise, whose owner is more concerned with pitching, than how many paperclips his employees use.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

2009 Googling Atlee Hammaker NFL Live Blog Schedule

September 13: Vikings at Browns (12:30 pm)

September 20: Giants at Cowboys (8:00 pm)

September 27: Colts at Cardinals (8:00 pm)

October 5: Packers at Vikings (8:00 pm)

October 11: Colts at Titans (8:00 pm)

October 19: Broncos at Chargers (8:00 pm)

October 25: Cardinals at Giants (8:00 pm)

November 2: Falcons at Saints (8:00 pm)

November 8: Cowboys at Eagles (8:00 pm)

November 15: Patriots at Colts (8:00 pm)

November 22: Eagles at Bears (8:00 pm) *

November 30: Patriots at Saints (8:00 pm) *

December 6: Eagles at Falcons (12:30 pm) *

December 14: Cardinals at 49ers (8:00 pm) *

December 19: Cowboys at Saints (8:00 pm) *

December 28: Vikings at Bears (8:00 pm) *

January 3: Packers at Cardinals (4:00 pm) *

* Flex system could switch scheduled contest

2009 Googling Atlee Hammaker NCAA Live Blog Schedule

September 12: USC at Ohio State (7:30 pm)

September 19: Texas Tech at Texas (7:30 pm)

October 3: USC at California (7:30 pm)

October 10: Florida at LSU (7:30 pm)

October 17: Oklahoma at Texas (11:30 am)

November 7: LSU at Alabama (TBA)

November 7: Ohio State at Penn State (TBA)

November 28: Florida State at Florida (TBA)

December 5: SEC Championship Contest (3:30 pm)

And I’m Googling

Steve McMichael

From 1980-1994, he was a defensive tackle. From 1995-1999, he was a professional wrestler. Both careers were meteoric.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Streets of Philadelphia

Michael Vick should memorize this selection’s lyrics. With one error, they will epitomize his existence again.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Mad Men Live Blog

Michael Vick Goes Green

WTF? That was the initial reaction I (along with most other Philadelphia Eagles fans) felt upon hearing that our beloved Birds had bought the beast beating bastard.

Okay, so maybe not everyone was quite as eloquent. Imagine Danny Devito yelling and throwing a beer at the television while Rocky Balboa punches through a car window. And that was just our initial reaction.The next day, after mulling it around a bit, some of us come to the realization that we the fans don't actually have a say in this decision. Nor do we have any way to convince them otherwise. What are we going to do? Boycott Eagles games? Yeah, sure, when Jim Johnson rises from the grave and tells the defense to NOT blitz.

My next thought, along with several others- all involving parodies of Who Let the Dogs Out- was that the franchise must have gotten this bum cheap. And guess what, 1.6 million is pretty damn cheap for a former star quarterback. Especially considering that its about as much as our starting quarterback makes in a month.

I then started thinking like an agent. If I were representing Michael Vick, I would have to lay down a few strict rules for him to follow in the next three years:
1) Take every single last piece of abuse you get- and don't be surprised if you get barked at by people in dog costumes. You've earned it.

2) Don't say a word- you've got to be as humble as Mother Theresa.

3) Throw yourself into every charity the Philadelphia Eagles have- and make up a few yourself. It'll look a little phony, but it can only help.

4) Stay in Philly- if you let the Philadelphia fans boo you from the city, not only will you look like the biggest pussy in the league, but you'll have to endure it all over again at your next job. However, if you can make it through the first two years, you'll have survived the gauntlet from the toughest fans in the country.
Of course, as I was discussing the acquisition with a bunch of die hard Eagles fans yesterday, not one of them admitted to being shocked at hearing the news. Everyone seems to have seen this coming months ago. As if it were their idea all along, they start planning out the season for our new ex-con. And we all eagerly await the Hawks game later this year.

As for me, I keep thinking of ways poor Michael can persuade Philadelphia to accept him. I'm thinking of a Christmas time halftime show with Vick dressed up as Santa Clause on Free Snowball Day.

Contributor: The Dentist

Someone Tell NBC: The Fad is Finished

On September 13, NBC Sunday Night Football’s third season will commence. Unfortunately, Keith Olbermann and Dan Patrick’s Sham Sportscenter Halftime will also continue. If only the tag team partners could rejoin these other nineties’ relics…

Grunge Fashion: In 1992, unemployed and unkempt was considered artistic. In 2009, artists are authors and musicians. The unemployed and unkempt inhabit Match.com.

Platform Shoes: Any Spice Girls trend should have been ignored. Regrettably, their albums and footwear remain inside thousands of closets.

Reverse Hats: Ken Griffey Jr. should blame this trend for his multiple injuries. R&B blames the trend for Vanilla Ice.


Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

Atlanta Fulton County Stadium

“The Launching Pad” hosted four World Series, the 1996 Olympic Baseball competition, and the 1974 Major League Baseball All-Star Game. It was imploded twelve years ago.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

The Fool on the Hill

Day after day, alone on a hill, the man who stabbed his old party in the back grows more pathetic still.

Arlen Specter made it official earlier this year when he came out of the closet as the entity he always was, a Democrat. But, surprise of all surprises, those who have always overtly called themselves Democrats and who can smell phony rat bastards a mile away aren't getting whipped into line to support him by the governor of Pennsylvania and the president. The dictates of smoke-filled rooms aside, there will actually be a hotly-contested primary where this issue can be settled democratically. Heaven forfend!

So now, the old Dr. Evil-looking bag of bones is out pandering to bloggers at radical conventions, gravy-training TV news time by provoking protesters at health care town halls and generally perpetuating a career that has been a skidmark on the undershorts of American politics. Arlen Specter, here's to you, the original "Fool on The Hill!"

Contributor: Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge