Press Conference Transcript: The Pitcher Has No Policy

On Thursday, Curt Schilling said, “Running would be fun…a run would be a lot of fun because pretty much anybody that you're fighting against in office right now doesn't really have much of a leg to stand on right now. There's nobody you can go up against that you couldn't probably drag out a laundry list of stuff and say, 'Listen, this person's already proven that they're status quo, that they're business as usual, and we need anything but in every way shape and form moving forward.”

Assessing Schilling’s announcement news conference, he should employ several policy advisors.
Curt Schilling: “It is the glory and the greatness of our tradition to speak for those who have no voice, to remember those who are forgotten, to respond to the frustrations and fulfill the aspirations of all Americans seeking a better life in a better land. Senator Edward Kennedy said those words and while I disagree with the rest of his convention speech, I agree that I could speak for those with no voice, those who are forgotten, those who aspire and are frustrated. Therefore, I am announcing an exploratory committee, as a precursor to my United States Senate candidacy. I am aware Massachusetts has had only thirteen Republican Senators. However, the Boston Red Sox had only twenty-three playoff victories in eighty-seven years before I arrived. With that, I will take your questions.

Assistant: When Curt calls on you, please state your name and affiliation.

Question: Foon Rhee, Boston Globe. Curt, Senator Kennedy’s signature issue was healthcare. Can you tell us how you will approach health care if elected?
Schilling: As a pitcher and professional athlete, I’ve dealt with several injuries. Everyone remembers the bloody sock, but I also had a tendon injury and several other minor ailments. Senator Kennedy was in two serious accidents, but sitting behind a desk, occasionally standing to speak does not inflict the stress that thirty-plus starts a year will. Given this experience, I feel I can speak with authority about healthcare.

Question: Mike Barnacle, MSNBC. What are your thoughts on the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act? Do you feel it has worked? Would you have voted for the legislation?
Schilling: No it has not and no I would not have. In twenty years, I pitched for five organizations, each of whom managed to sell out their stadiums on a consistent basis. Obviously, salaries are a significant aspect of baseball, salaries must be paid, and therefore owners must put fans in the seats. You cannot stimulate the economy until you must entice people to spend money in a similar fashion.

Question: Matt Margolis, HUB Politics. What is your environmental policy? How would you characterize yourself as an environmentalist?
Schilling: I would not. However, I understand the environment’s role in our economy. I had the privilege of pitching in Fenway Park, Yankee Stadium, and Wrigley Field. I know that if those fields weren’t well maintained, teams couldn’t play and revenue would have been lost. We will maintain those standards when I am elected.
Question: Carl Cameron, Fox News. In 2004 and 2008, you campaigned for President Bush and Senator McCain. Would you align yourself with them on tax policy also?
Schilling: Yeah. I talked about stimulating the economy and that won’t happen until people are spending money. People need money to afford tickets or video games or start a blog based business and the Senate must help get that money into their hands. I will propose another 3.8% tax cut, which I hope President Obama will sign.

Question: Jim VandeHei, Politico. You mentioned blog based businesses. You write a blog and utilize that blog within your business. How will you encourage more Americans to start small businesses and will blogs be included in your strategy?
Schilling: Jim, I feel technology is the greatest asset we have. In twenty years, we’ve transitioned from video tape to digital film, both of which I used to amass 3,116 strikeouts in my career. Technology will be a centerpiece of my initiative to help create more small businesses and I will talk about that at my blog, 38 pitches.

Question: Dana Bash, CNN. Senator Kennedy was instrumental in the passage of No Child Left Behind, which has endured its share of criticism. Can you talk about the legislation and if you would have voted for it?
Schilling: I wouldn’t have. Public education is important, but you don’t need a four year degree to succeed. I attended junior college, many of my teammates attended high school only, and our success far exceeded our education. I feel that education isn’t half as important as what is done with spare time, for instance, we need to increase the number of athletic programs. We need increase the number of writing programs, commensurate with blogs, children should learn at a younger age how to form opinions and put them on the internet. Education is not the Mendoza line it once was.
Question: David Freddoso, National Review. General Stanley McChrystal said the situation in Afghanistan is serious, but success is achievable and demands a revised implementation strategy, commitment and resolve, and increased unity of effort. Would you support additional troops?
Schilling: Yes I would. When you are in an impossible situation, similar to the 2004 ALCS, you do whatever you can to prevail. The Yankees had us down 3-0. We altered our approaches, both as hitters and pitchers, and we won. If General McChrystal feels more troops will win Afghanistan, we provide more troops. You can win without making a deadline deal, but your odds improve when you make one.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

Bruce Bowen
During his career, he accrued 6.1 points per contest. He garnered three championships. He irritated every superstar he opposed.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow

Including Cher, Linda Ronstadt, Dusty Springfield, The Bee Gees, Dionne Warrick, and Amy Winehouse, forty-five artists have covered this eternal selection.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Chad Ocho Cinco’s Child Please Commentaries

Chad Johnson: Seven days I’ve been gone… Seven days you’ve been without the foremost voice on this website, the voice of authority, the voice of reason, the voice of Ocho Cinco… I don’t know how this website exists without me… I asked my man, Platinum Smalls, Small Platinum… I say Small Platinum; you got to hear me seven days a week… The people need Ocho Cinco seven days a week… They need the Child Please commentaries… How else they be as smart as me?
CP Commentary One: The Oregon Ducks suspended LeGarrette Blount this afternoon, less than twenty-four hours after he sucker punched someone… CHILD PLEASE. I don’t know what’s more embarrassing… Acting like a defensive back that Ocho just beat, losing to Boise State on their cool aid colored turf, or attending that university that Ocho spent college embarrassing… An Oregon player smacks someone around? I’m shocked an Oregon player is smart enough to lace his shoes.
CP Commentary Two: White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said criticism of President Obama’s education speech was silly season… Gibbs want to talk silly? CHILD PLEASE. Isn’t no one who look like the pudgy kid you ignored at recess, whose job is secretary, should say anything to anyone with the word silly in it. And why President Obama giving an education speech? President Obama is a great man, but if you want kids to learn, stay in school, work hard, Ocho Cinco your speech man.
CP Commentary Three: Another White House story… Green Jobs Czar… CHILD PLEASE… What is a green jobs czar? How you calling anyone an asshole when your job has a color in it? You see colors in any other jobs? Gardeners got no colors… Waiters got no colors… How you calling anyone an asshole when your job is czar? Chris Henry doesn’t know what a czar is… You can’t call no one an asshole til you explain what you do and why you needed.
CP Commentary Four: Curt Schilling said his chances of running for senate are slim to none… Senator Curt Schilling? America need Senator Ocho Cinco… I’ll negotiate healthcare. I’ll stimulate the economy... My fines have stimulated the NFL… What Curt Schilling bring to the Senate? Will he blog while he voting? Will he debate wearing bloody socks? Curt Schilling is talk, talk, talk, talk and CHILD PLEASE… America need results… I get them those results…
Chad Johnson: Until next time, this is Eighty-five, aka Ocho Cinco, aka the Black Mexican saying in Chad You Must Trust… Go Beavers!

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

Ayda Field

Her credits include Back to You, Days of Our Lives, and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Her discredit is boyfriend, Robbie Williams.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

This Town

Gainesville, Florida… Norman, Oklahoma… Tuscaloosa, Alabama… Blacksburg, Virginia… America’s most impassioned institution takes these towns tomorrow…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Josh McDaniels Uses His Delusion

During his initial seven months, Denver Coach Josh McDaniels has had one irrefutable problem... An identity crisis…
[Denver Broncos Headquarters: Inglewood, Colorado]

[Owner Pat Bowlen, General Manager Brian Xanders, and Coach Josh McDaniels are seated inside Bowlen’s office]

Pat Bowlen: I’ve received forty-seven calls regarding Brandon Marshall’s suspension. First, we trade away our franchise quarterback. Now, we sit a Pro Bowl wide receiver. What should I tell reporters?

Josh McDaniels: Bill Belichick wins without stars. We’ll win without stars.

Brian Xanders: What’s your strategy with Marshall? Is this suspension it?

Josh McDaniels: I’ll deal with Brandon in the same way Bill Belichick dealt with Terry Glenn. If he doesn’t get the message, we’ll deactivate him.
Pat Bowlen: You’ll deactivate him?

Josh McDaniels: Yes. Players are expendable and we have to build this franchise in my image. Bill Belichick released Lawyer Milloy and traded Drew Bledsoe and we won two Super Bowls.

Pat Bowlen: And what should I say about Kyle Orton?

Josh McDaniels: Kyle Orton is unproven, but so was Tom Brady and Bill Belichick made him a franchise quarterback.

Pat Bowlen: And you’ll make Kyle Orton one?

Josh McDaniels: Bill Belichick and I coached together. Tom Brady and Kyle Orton both attended Big Ten schools. Success should be assumed.
Pat Bowlen: How long should fans wait for the success?

Josh McDaniels: Bill Belichick went 5-11 in 2000. I think that is a reasonable expectation.

Pat Bowlen: So you’ll take us from virtual playoff team to our worst record in ten years and that’s success?

Josh McDaniels: Bill Belichick took the Patriots from 8-8 to their worst record in seven years and then he won a Super Bowl. And let’s be honest, you hired me because this decade’s trophy case is as empty as the Rocky Mountain News offices.

Pat Bowlen: Josh, we’re a great franchise with great fans. If you’re unsuccessful, it’s on you.

Josh McDaniels: Mr. Bowlen, Bill Belichick made a great franchise with great fans better and so will I.

Pat Bowlen: Good. But, don’t wear a hooded sweatshirt into another meeting with me.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

2001 NFL Draft

Michael Vick, LaDanian Tomlinson, and Santana Moss were the signature selections. However, this draft’s depth is indisputable. Leonard Davis, Casey Hampton, Todd Heap, Steve Hutchinson, Richard Seymour and Reggie Wayne remain championship components.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

I Get Money

On September 29, Floyd Mayweather will oppose Juan Manuel Marquez. Until Michael Buffer’s introductions and round one, Mayweather’s theme selection should suffice.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Brownie, Speedy Al Discuss Draft Picks

Mike Brown is an incompetent owner whose approach is asinine and whose draft selections achieve drama and incarceration. Al Davis is an incontinent owner whose approach is ancient and whose draft selections speed is as spectacular as their nonperformance. The obtuse oligarchs remain oblivious, as evidenced by the pair’s recent conversation…
Al Davis: Brownie, I’m sorry about Andre Smith.
Mike Brown: Thanks, Al. We’ve dealt with irresponsible rookies before. Justin Smith became a great player.
Al Davis: Justin Smith… You took him when we took Derrick Gibson?
Mike Brown: I liked Gibson… Busted when he offered ten dollars for sex... He could have learned from Deltha O’Neal, Frostee Rucker, and Odell Thurman.
Al Davis: You know who I liked? Chris Perry… Excellent speed for where you chose him.
Mike Brown: You would know all about that, Al. Has Heyward-Bey held onto any balls that were handed to him?
Al Davis: He’s held onto as many as Leon Hall, who’s slower than most fullbacks.
Mike Brown: Like your defensive backs are prizes. Tyler Brayton, Michael Huff, Fabian Washington… Phillip Buchanon is the only one we considered. Three years at Miami, you know he’s punched a cop or three.
Al Davis: Nnamdi Asomughac went to the Pro Bowl. And let’s talk about your picks… Levi Jones, David Pollack, Keith Rivers… You choosing football players or people to move your furniture?
Mike Brown: Have we ever chosen anyone you would’ve?
Al Davis: Carson Palmer… California boy… Throws a great deep ball… That was a heck of a job Brownie…
Mike Brown: Anyone else?
Al Davis: You know who I really liked… Peter Warrick… Florida State playmaker… He could return punts… A miniature Tim Brown…
Mike Brown: And except for Sebastian Janikowski, Warrick had the best rap sheet in the draft. But what idiot chooses a kicker in the first round?
Contributor: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

And I’m Googling

Southern Fried Rabbit

In six minutes and forty-five seconds, Bugs Bunny imitates Stonewall Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, and Scarlett O'Hara. He also sings My Old Kentucky Home. Frank Caliendo never rivaled this range.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Cry

Following Monday’s press conference, Rich Rodriguez warrants this selection. Did Michigan fans see forever in his eyes?

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Brett Favre Tonight

For three months, Brett Favre has consumed every news cycle. In response, ESPNBF premiered this morning. Favre news and nonsense each hour… Every hour… Twenty-four hours continuous…
Mark Davis: Last night, Brett Favre completed 13 of 18 passes for 142 yards. Favre also threw a touchdown and a block that a Labrador retriever could have obliterated.

Dan Sowers: Adrian Peterson may have gained some yards and the Vikings may have won, but Favre was the story. He led three first half scoring drives and earned the Vikings their fourth touchdown pass and fourth and fifth touchdowns of the preseason.

Mark Davis: Favre’s quarterback rating was 113.7. He was not sacked. He earned one hundred and eight minutes of airtime. He also provided the Texans with their largest crowd of the preseason.
Dan Sowers: Later on Brett Favre Tonight, we’ll have an extended report on Favre’s economic impact in the twin cities. For now, Natalie Alex continues our coverage from Houston.

Natalie Alex: Despite a cracked rib, one which would have sidelined lesser athletes, Favre’s performance was flawless. He chatted with coaches, formed his cap’s bill for the first time this preseason, and swallowed four cups of Gatorade, more than any other offensive starter. Back to you, Dan.

Dan Sowers: Natalie, was the Gatorade a factor in Favre playing through the cracked rib?

Natalie Alex: Dan, Vikings players were reserved concerning Brett’s Gatorade consumption. However, I spoke with two ball boys and an assistant trainer, who said hydration was key to his performance.
Dan Sowers: Besides the Gatorade and hat formation, was there anything else unique in Brett’s performance?

Natalie Alex: Dan, Brett wore a different pre-game t-shirt than his previous start. I also spoke to an unnamed assistant who said Brett listened to three different versions of the same song, whereas his first game he was forced to borrow Jared Allen’s I-Pod after forgetting his.

Dan Sowers: Have you ascertained the song?

Natalie Alex: No, I’m still working sources.
Dan Sowers: Thank you, Natalie. Ahead on BFT, you’ll meet the man who prepares Brett’s wristbands, which hold every offensive play. Mike Reese will highlight Brett’s relationship with his chocolate Labrador Samantha. And we’ll spend some time with Brett’s daughters, as they enjoyed the Mall of America.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

My New Kentucky Home

Roger Sterling’s black faced rendition of My Old Kentucky Home was amusing. More amusing, his updated version, which the Kentucky Director of Tourism rejected…

The sun shines bright in the old Kentucky home,
Tis summer, the Cardinals are gay,
Rick Pitino’s drunk and the restaurant is closed,
Where should his slutty mistress lay.

They use a table, the bar, and Porcini’s floor,
No condoms, no condoms, in sight,
Five months later, Karen Sypher knocks at the door,
Abortion or extortion she might.

Weep no more Judge Katie,
Oh! Weep no more today!
We will sing one song for Shea’s fiancé, who you stole,
And hope you resign and move away.
They hunt no more for the basketball savior,
John Calipari arrived today,
With his Italian charm and stifling pressure D,
He’ll Mirror Pitino back in the day.

Billy Gillispie was a shadow o’er the heart,
Drunken, he was a delight,
His contract never signed, thus he had to part,
As his jail cell slams, we say goodnight.

Weep no more Judge Katie,
Oh! Weep no more today!
We will sing one song for Shea’s fiancé, who you stole,
And hope you resign and move away.
Judge Katie’s head must bow and Karen’s truth must bend,
Wherever their cases may go,
A few more days and Pitino’s trouble ends,
But Jeff Stoval still on loser’s row.

A few more days for the Cats and Cardinals,
For football, ‘twill never be light,
With basketball season still two months away,
I say my Old Kentucky home, goodnight.

Weep no more Judge Katie,
Oh! Weep no more today!
We will sing one song for Shea’s fiancé who you stole,
And hope you resign and move away.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

Tedy Bruschi
During his career, he recorded 1,065 tackles, 30 ½ sacks, and 12 interceptions. He also surmounted a stroke with an incomprehensible return.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

I Poke Her Face

Those of you that have been following the entrance music posts on GAH may have noticed that it is somewhat liberal with the inclusion of Lady Gaga. This is due in large part to our primary bloggist extraordinaire, Platinum Smalls. While we are not sure what the cause of this somewhat disturbing predisposition is, the other GAH contributors and I have come up with a few theories:

Platinum Smalls is completely tone deaf and has no idea that what he is listening to is awful

Lady Gaga herself has threatened him with a beat down from her Gaga Goons

Smalls likes to dress up like the pop singer on the weekends to make the other drag queens jealous

Gaga is actually one of Platinum Smalls' jilted ex-lovers. Her real name is Jenny Soukawlski and she is originally from a small cow town in Ohio called Columbus

This is my way of honoring my friend Platinum Smalls by posting what seems to be his favorite new "artist". Consequently, this is the only dosage in which I can stand the auditory tripe she spews, so I hope you enjoy.

Contributor: The Dentist

From Hitler to Hillbillies: Tears Rod Addresses Allegations

According to ESPN (where news periodically interrupts Brett Favre), Michigan violated offseason practice and training restrictions. Rich Rodriguez rejected these allegations and with his tears asserted pomposity is not incompetence.

For those who don’t speak overestimated, underachieving, potentially fired coach, I’ve provided this translation…

Rodriguez: “I guess the thing that bothered me the most about the things that were recently written or said, or maybe some things in the last 18 months, was the perception that was out there sometimes that we did not care as much for our players' welfare—and that is disheartening.”

[I guess the thing that bothered me the most about the things that were recently written or said, is that everyone is saying them. No one supports us in this state, in this country… I bet even Hitler is upset and that’s disheartening.]

Rodriguez: “To say that is misleading, inaccurate and goes against everything I've ever believed in coaching. I love working with our staff, I love our players like I love my own family. My family loves our players. It's why they're at every practice. You guys that have followed us know that. That's the way [it is] throughout our whole staff.”

[To say that these allegations are one hundred percent untrue is misleading, inaccurate, and that’s why I’m crying. I love working everyone this way. I love that everyone will think I’m emotional about our staff or our players, when really I’m deflecting your attention and scoring sympathy points. It’s why I practice this every day. You guys that have followed us don’t know that.]

Rodriguez: “You know, when I left West Virginia, I didn't leave my brains and my caring for my players when I came to Michigan. We're proud of the way our programs have been run. I've been a head coach for 16 years, and we've been fortunate to have eight league championships. But more than anything else, we've graduated a whole lot of guys, and a lot of them were first-generation college students. A lot of them were great success stories. A lot of them still maintain contact with me and my staff to this day.”

[You know, when I reneged on my contract, shredded documents, and left West Virginia, I didn’t leave my brains and my caring for my players when I came to Michigan. Brains aren’t required to run an offense that a high school coach could have written on a cocktail napkin and players are expendable, so why lose sleep over them? I’ve been a head coach for 16 years, and we’ve been fortunate to win eight league championships. Never mind, I won the first four at Glenville State and the second four against competition weaker than Appalachian State opposes. But, more than anything else, we’ve graduated a lot of guys… At Glenville State and West Virginia, it was hard not to. A lot of them were first generation college students. A lot of them were great success stories. A lot of them still maintain contact with me and my staff to this day. At Glenville State and West Virginia, it didn’t take a lot to be a first generation student or a great success story. And the reason they still maintain contact, is that college football was the high point of their coal mining lives.]
Rodriguez: “So I guess I'm here to tell you that, whatever you've heard or want to believe, the truth of the matter is that this coaching staff cares very deeply about the young men in our program—always has, always will. We care very deeply about this institution. We know the rules.”

[So I guess I’m here to tell you that, whatever you’ve heard or want to believe is likely true. I’ll deflect your attention again by talking about caring and making an emphatic statement such as we know the rules. We know the rules, we don’t always follow them, and sometimes ignore them, but we know them.]

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Sorkin Notes & Nostalgia

On Entourage, Moneyball and Sports Night Scenarist Aaron Sorkin’s agent attained matrimonial revenge. Enjoy Andrew Cline’s vehicular renovation and his client’s classic…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

University of Southern California

In it’s one hundred and twenty-ninth year, USC educates 33,389. They employ 14,300. They have won 89 national championships. This most selective university only admits potential superstars and Heisman Trophy Winners.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

I Wear A Coat

The University of Texas Southwestern’s faculty includes 16 Institute of Medicine members, 15 National Academy of Sciences members, and four Nobel laureates. Sadly, Dr. T Pain and his quartet eclipse them with this welcome video.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Bradley Dines, Gets Dissed

On Wednesday, Milton Bradley said, “I’m talking about hatred period. I’m talking about when I go to eat at a restaurant; I have to listen to the waiters bad mouthing me at another table.”

Given Bradley’s recent experience, his resentment is justified…
[Mike Ditka’s Restaurant: Chicago, Illinois]

Waiter: Damn, I’m tired. I just pray my shift is over at 9:00, so I can get out of here in the last amount of time possible.

Waitress: Is that Milton Bradley?

Waiter: I can’t tell. There’s no one restraining him.

Waitress: I think it is. I think he’s eating the tomahawk steak.
Waiter: With colored greens?

Waitress: Don’t be racist.

Waiter: He said America doesn’t believe in racism.

Waitress: What’s with you?

Waiter: I’ve been thinking about my life.

Waitress: What about it?

Waiter: My future… I’ve worked six restaurants in eight years.

Waitress: Seriously?

Waiter: Montreal, Cleveland, Los Angeles, Oakland, San Diego, Texas, and Chicago and what do I have? I’m the equivalent of a .269 hitter with 11 home runs and 36 rbi’s.”
Waitress: Aren’t those his stats?

Waiter: That explains his attitude.

Waitress: He’s getting up… He’s not leaving a tip.

Waiter: Should we boo?

Waitress: Why?

Waiter: That’s the only sound he responds to.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

Bradley Cooper
His cinematic credits include He’s Just Not That Into You, the Hangover, and Wedding Crashers. His tabloid conquests involve Jennifer Anniston, Cameron Diaz, and Renee Zellweger.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Abraham, Martin, & John

An Alabama minister… An Illinois lawyer… And Massachusetts’ iconic triumpherant… They actualized civil rights. They liberated millions. They shaped social justice. As they have passed, America’s manner seemingly passed with them.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls