Julie & Julia Inspire Idols

On August 7, Julie and Julia premiered. In the film, Julie Powell pays homage to Julia Child, blogging and cooking every recipe in the culinary icon’s cookbook.
With that as inspiration, five athletes will enact their own homages…
Sidney Crosby & Gordie Howe: For the 2009-2010 season, Crosby promises nine Gordie Howe hat tracks, consisting of one goal, one assist, and one fight per contest. Crosby will also wear number nine, the same number of speeches he made criticizing Stanley Cup officials.

Roger Federer & John McEnroe: In next year’s major championships, Federer pledges a minimum of one outburst per set. He will also wear Nike Super Brat clothing, whose commercials will conclude with “Wear Anything Else? You cannot be serious.”
Lebron James & Michael Jordon: While Nike and number connect the pair, James’ actions will cement their resemblance. During next seasons playoffs, James will be seen in Atlantic City prior to several contests.

Chad Johnson & Lynn Swann: Following HBO’s Hard Knocks, Johnson enrolls into an advanced ballet class. He also changes his first name to Ocho, his number to 88, and his name plate reads “Ocho Cubed.”
Manny Ramirez & Hank Aaron: Prior to the 2009 National League Playoffs, Ramirez vows that his home run trots will include two college students. He also requests post career employment in the Commissioners Office, as Director of Nuisance Players.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Assessing the Criminal, Phony, & Selfish

“10 Most Disliked People in Sports,” an assemblage of the criminal, phony, and selfish, has been released by E-Poll and Forbes. Now, I could discuss the fallacy of surveys such as this. I could discuss that “disliked” is individual and regional. I could discuss that the majority of fans aren’t informed enough to participate in a drunken discussion, let alone a scientific survey (yes, I said it)… But, I cannot and would never sacrifice an opportunity to scorch those who warrant it...

1. Michael Vick: He may be the only the person in this nation phoning George W. Bush for popularity advice. Those speculating whether or not can he can rehabilitate his image should instead asses whether Citigroup can survive one week without awarding a bonus.

2. Manny Ramirez: While obscene attitude and steroids (not once, but twice) are ample justification for a top ten ranking, Ramirez should have been outranked by others in baseball…

3. Alex Rodriguez: A-Roid should have been a landslide number two. Cheating on the front page of the tabloids… Confessing steroids after denouncing them… John Edwards and his illegitimate child think he’s disingenuous.

4. Terrell Owens: His antics are insipid, but they don’t make me want to toss my television while his show is on it… Owens is the type of jerk you love when he’s performing… It’s when he’s not that life is difficult…
5. Kobe Bryant: If “10 Most Smug People in Sports” were published, Bryant would consume seven of the top ten sports (we have to set aside three for his ego)… His Most Valuable Puppet can’t even conduct an interview that doesn’t make me nauseous.

6. Allen Iverson: He has legal and music setbacks in his career, but arrogance has never been his overwhelming issue… The fact he can’t win is his overwhelming issue…

7. Isiah Thomas: If New Yorkers or women were the only people voting, Thomas would win in a walk. As for the national opinion, he has been banished into… what no one has heard of it college is he coaching at again?

8. Stephon Marbury: If New Yorkers were the only people voting, Marbury vs. Thomas would be closer than Bush vs. Gore (and I wouldn’t want to be one of the nine souls deciding the outcome). With his contract expired, he has as much of a chance of returning to the association, as he does attracting viewers to his moronic webcast.
9. Nick Saban: Is there a college football program, professional football organization, or citizen of this nation that he hasn’t offended? No one (with the exception of Alabama fans) didn’t enjoy watching Utah take his faux top five Tide out for a walk.

10. John McEnroe: I won’t risk carpel tunnel typing what an idiotic selection this was…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Manny, Ortiz Compare Quotes

According to the New York Times (all the noise that you’re forced to read), David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez tested positive for performance enhancing drugs in 2003. When the former teammates discussed these revelations, their conversation was contentious, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which I was e-mailed by someone identifying anonymous test samples)…
Manny Ramirez: We tested positive.
David Ortiz: Is this you being you?
Manny Ramirez: It’s on ESPN.
David Ortiz: It’s not like something that is happening right now…
Manny Ramirez: Are you as dumb as Tim McCarver? It’s on ESPN…
David Ortiz: I would suggest everybody get tested, not random, everybody. You go team by team.
Manny Ramirez: You were tested.
David Ortiz: In the past when it wasn't banned from the game
Manny Ramirez: I want no more [expletive] where they tell you one thing and behind your back they do another thing. I think I've earned that respect…
David Ortiz: All the drama, it doesn’t look good for the game.
Manny Ramirez: I don't want to be a problem and a distraction in such a critical moment of the season.
David Ortiz: I know that if I test positive by using any kind of substance, I know that I'm going to disrespect my family, the game, the fans and everybody, and I don't want to be facing that situation.
Manny Ramirez: Are you as dumb as Tim McCarver? You were tested positive.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls