President, Penguini Bemoan Predecessors

According to President Obama and Cleveland Browns Coach Eric Mangini, previous seasons were unacceptable, promised success is revocable, and their predecessors are permanently responsible. When the pair discussed their contrived scenarios, their commiseration was continuous, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which we obtained from someone also looking back in anger)…
President Obama: Coach Mangini, I’ve reviewed your situation, as well as the situations of fourteen other professional coaches. I feel we share the most similar circumstances.

Eric Mangini: Because of the unrealistic expectations?

President Obama: Correct. When I instituted Cash for Clunkers, Chrysler and General Motors sold more cars in one month than all of George Bush’s second term. Some people claim that I created artificial demand. This wouldn’t have been necessary if the previous administration’s economic policy weren’t imaginary.

Eric Mangini: I understand. When the Browns went 10-6 three years ago, players appeared better than they are. Fans think this team is talented.

President Obama: Liberals think I make a speech and Guantanamo Bay closes. How can I close Guantanamo Bay when states will not accept the prisoners?

Eric Mangini: How can I improve this team when no one other than the Jets will accept the players?
President Obama: We understand each other. How could I win the Olympics after eight years of steers and fear foreign policy?

Eric Mangini: And why shouldn’t I impose rules and consequences after four years of Romeo Crennel’s nursery school?

President Obama: The previous administration left me an impossible circumstance. I should prosecute them for their enhanced interrogation torture techniques, but I need political capital for healthcare reform, which they never addressed. If Corporate W. Bush would have acted, forty-five million uninsured would be thirty-million uninsured. Then, my plan would only leave ten million uninsured.

Eric Mangini: If Phil Savage drafted character and talent, we would be 4-0. Instead, Brady Quinn and Eric Wright are on our roster?

President Obama: And Afghanistan and Iraq are on my agenda. If we hadn’t invaded Iraq, Afghanistan would be much more stable. If Afghanistan’s troops wouldn’t have been redeployed, Iraq wouldn’t be as stable. Our Commander in Charade complicated both wars and left them for me.

Eric Mangini: And Phil Savage left me with Jamal Lewis, Shaun Rodgers, and Quinn. Fans are questioning me on facebook, twitter, radio, television. Sports Talk Cleveland’s five man audience even questioned me. I forget more football than they will ever know.

President Obama: Our circumstances couldn’t be more similar. Greens want action on climate change. The GLBT wants action on civil unions and don’t ask, don’t tell. Don’t they realize I used them to get elected as my predecessors used Christians to get elected?
Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Mangini Confesses Pirate’s Plot

Following his grand jury testimony, David Letterman acknowledged an awkward encounter. Following the Cleveland Browns fourth consecutive defeat, Coach Eric Mangini confessed a similar scenario.

Eric Mangini: I’m glad none of you attended this afternoon because I have a little story that I would like to tell you and my remaining supporters. Do you feel like a story? This started six weeks ago in the preseason and I got up early and I come to work early and I go out and I get into my car and in the backseat of my car, there’s a package I don’t recognize and have never seen before and don’t usually receive packages six in the morning in the back of my car. I guess you can, Tom Brady used to… So, I get to looking through it and there’s a letter in the package and it says I know that you do terrible, terrible things and I can prove that you do these terrible things and sure enough contained in the package was stuff to prove that I do terrible things. At six in the morning and maybe this looks better to you in a post game press conference, but six in the morning, all you can think about is every terrible thing you’ve ever done in your entire life. So, I go through it and I study it and what this is is a guy is going to create a twitter page about me and that’s good news for Cleveland isn’t it? And he’s going to take all the terrible stuff that he knows about my life and he seems to in this packet, there seems to be quite a lot of terrible stuff he knows about me and he’s going to put it onto twitter, unless I repeat a specifically worded statement. I’m like you, I think, really, that’s a little , and this is the word I actually used, that’s a little penguini. I just want to reiterate how terrifying this moment is because there’s something very insidious about is he standing down there? Is he hiding under the car? Am I going to get a tap on the shoulder? You immediately, because I am motivated by nothing but arrogance. If you know anything about me, I am just an obese mass of pudgy New England arrogance. So I get to Berea and I say to myself, I hate doing things like this, but maybe I’ll call my agent, so I call my agent and he takes a look at it and he says let’s schedule a meeting with the guy just to see what he has in mind. So there’s a meeting with the guy and it turns out, yes in fact, I must read this specifically worded statement or he’s going to create this twitter page about all the terrible things that I do. Embarrassing, terrible things. At that point, my attorney and I say wow, this really is penguini. So then we call an operation called the Hoodie Patriot Bureau, which is a division of the Big Tuna Defensive Assistants Office. We call down there and we say can we run a couple of things by you Bill and so we took the stuff to him and he says whoa hello this is blackmail. So he said what you want to do is get another meeting with this guy and find out if he’s serious, because you know we’ve all lost a close game and stuff like this slip through the cracks, you inadvertently blackmail someone. So, we had the second meeting and the question was posed, are you aware that this is serious, this could be a crime and he said I’m fine with that and oh by the way, not only will I create a twitter account, I will create a facebook account also and I thought well that’s nice, you have a companion piece, you have the facebook, you have the twitter and what do you read the facebook first then read the twitter? Do you read the twitter, then read the facebook? Do you read the facebook on your laptop and the twitter on your blackberry? It’s all coming up Sopranos for me, because remember, this guy knows creepy stuff about me. So, we had the second meeting and he was reassured that everything was just fine and then a third meeting was arranged and if there’s a lighthearted moment in any of this and I’m not sure there is, the third meeting is arranged whereby he gives me the statement I’m supposed to read, now I don’t think I’ve mentioned this up to now, but the entire package and the statement is written on pirate stationary. So, the statement is given to me, written on pirate stationary and because I’m such a bonehead, have you ever celebrated international talk like a pirate day? I tried to rehearse the statement for him by talking like a pirate. So now this guy is walking around, expecting me to read this statement and the idea is now, although he’s given no guarantees, he’s still saying you never know, I may just create the facebook and twitter accounts, so for that guarantee, I’m supposed to read this statement. So, this morning, I did something I’ve never done in my life and it was a combination of unusual and penguini, this whole thing has been quite penguini. I had to go to New York and tell Commissioner Goodell and I had to tell him that I was disturbed by this, that I was worried for myself, worried for my family, I felt challenged by this and I had to tell him all of the creepy things that I have done. So the idea is that if he believes a crime has been committed, this man will be precluded from coaching in the NFL and that’s exactly what happened and a little bit after noon today, Mike Leach was banned from the NFL. Now, of course, we get to what was it, what was all the creepy stuff that he was going to put onto the facebook and twitter accounts and the creepy stuff was that I am an incompetent horse’s ass, who ruins franchises, and once criticized Michael Crabtree. Now, my response to that is, yes I am. I am an incompetent horse’s ass, who ruins franchises, and once criticized Michael Crabtree. Would this be embarrassing if I were forced to make this public, perhaps it would, especially for those who hired me. That’s a decision for them to make, if they want to come public and talk about how I duped them, I’ll never go public and talk about how I duped them and what I didn’t want is a guy saying, I know you’re an incompetent horse’s ass, who ruins franchises, and once criticized Michael Crabtree, so I would like you to read this statement or I’m going to make trouble for you. So, that’s where we stand right now. I just want to thank the people of the Hoodie Patriot Bureau and the Big Tuna Defensive Assistants Office. Bill Parcells, who is head of that. It’s been a very bizarre experience. I feel like I need to protect my organization, my family, I need to protect myself, I hope to protect my job and everyone who has supported me through this. And I don’t plan to say much more about this on this particular topic, so thank you for letting me bend your ear. And now, I know what you’re saying, we always knew he was an incompetent horse’s ass. That’s what Commissioner Goodell said also. Thank you for your patience. I hope a few more of you will see us lose next week. Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Pete Carroll’s Honesty Camp

Pete Carroll’s communication is candid, sincere, and unvarnished. Recently, Carroll hosted a professional seminar entitled “Embrace Reality Whether Honesty Improves or Impairs.” [Sheraton Downtown: Los Angeles, California]

[Pete Carroll, Jeff Fisher, Eric Mangini, and Raheem Morris are seated inside a conference room]

Pete Carroll: I hope you understand why I requested all of you.

Eric Mangini: I don’t. Can you explain why we should listen to a former professional with a mediocre record?

Pete Carroll: Well, my record was a winning record, but I requested you because each of you can’t tell the truth about your team.

Jeff Fisher: What do you mean the truth about our team?

Pete Carroll: Jeff, you’re a prime example. You’ve said you’re off to a bad start and it’s unacceptable.
Jeff Fisher: One, we are off to a bad start. Two, I expect more. Three, our organization, our owner, our fans and players expect more. In everyone’s mind, this is unacceptable.

Pete Carroll: Tell your organization, your owner, your players, your fans, and yourself the truth. Last year was a complete surprise and you can’t repeat it.

Raheem Morris: Why would he say that and since I asked what should I say?

Pete Carroll: Say you’re completely unqualified, you shouldn’t have been hired, your management was stupid, and this start was predictable.

Raheem Morris: Is that it?

Pete Carroll: Derrick Brooks, Warrick Dunn, Joey Galloway, and Ike Hilliard should still be Buccaneers.
Jeff Fisher: Pete, I understand you’re a college coach and when you lose one game, even if the team that beats you is an inferior conference opponent, you can afford an undiplomatic assessment. We are professionals. We have to manage expectations.

Pete Carroll: Expectations are either realistic or unrealistic.

Jeff Fisher: There’s a saying, if it was easy, anyone could do it. You were a professional. You couldn’t do it. We should determine our expectations.

Pete Carroll: You determined your expectations and you’re all winless.

Eric Mangini: Pete, we can’t arrange our expectations through illegal recruiting. My roster was talentless when I arrived.
Pete Carroll: Eric, you have the draft, trades, free agency. You can arrange expectations. You’re sock puppet general manager is completely ineffective.

Eric Mangini: George Kokinis is a capable and intelligent professional.

Pete Carroll: Eric, you don’t even believe that.

Jeff Fisher: This has been a fascinating discussion and you’re a great college coach, but you said Mark Sanchez wouldn’t succeed and he’s undefeated.

Pete Carroll: Well, thank you all for coming. If you’ll excuse me, I have another press conference. I have to rationalize our poor performance against Washington.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls