Stupidity Nation

According to Bill Maher (hush conservatives), America is “this stupid country.” One may argue his word choice, but the statistics are indisputable. Fifty percent cannot name any branch of government. Fifty percent are unaware their state has two senators. Fifty percent cannot name their congress person.

If Americans cannot comprehend civics, what is their sports aptitude? The statistics are indisputable.

Following the 1994 World Cup, 70% of Americans thought soccer would succeed in this nation. Fifteen years later, Corona drinkers and Posh Spice fans still do.

At a recent city council meeting in Columbus, Ohio, a man stood up and demanded a professional sports franchise in his city.

This country is a college chick after three Washington apple shots… We can be talked into anything, such as soccer, and convinced of anything, such as the professional franchise we already have isn’t professional. Listen to these statistics…

A majority of Americans cannot name a single Tennessee Titans wide receiver or explain illegal defense…

Twenty-four percent cannot name the franchise known as the Black Sox…
More than two-thirds of Americans don’t know the conference their alma mater is in or what NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman does…

Some of this stuff you should be able to pick up simply by being alive… Like Florida residents, who know they must hate Georgia…

Nearly half of Americans don’t know that New Jersey has two football teams…

More than half can’t name their franchise’s starting goalie…
And Rick Pitino needed three attempts to name his wife…

People complain about their franchise’s spending… They have no idea what their franchise’s spend money on… The average sports fan thinks ticket sales are important… And then they argue the price of the ticket…
A third of Michigan fans think Jim Tressel illegally recruits and a third of Ohio State fans think Rich Rodriguez victories are fixed, which is an absurd sentence because it contains the words Rodriguez and victories…

Michael Vick has apologized to his fans, even though a Gallup poll says eighteen percent of them would have bet on his dogs… They’re not stupid… They’re animal rights mavericks…
And here is one more fun fact I will leave you with… Did you know only about half of Americans are aware that CBS Sports is older than Fox Sports? That’s right, half of America watches a network that employed Jack Buck and can’t figure out that they are older than a network that employs his son, Joe Buck.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Turtle’s Talk Show: Reggie Miller, Trust Fund Baby, & Pathological Liars

TURTLE SIGLER: OK, welcome back to our final segment on HIT THAT OR STAND PAT. As I am contractually obligated to do, I would like to thank my wife for marrying me and for getting a no-talent like me this teevee show. I'd like to welcome in our final guests tonight. The first one is somebody I had no intention of being nice to on account of all of the times he broke my heart at the Garden, Reggie Miller.
[audience applause as Reggie enters]

TURTLE: Our next guest has the very unwieldy name of Alex von Furstenberg, but I'm going to borrow a nickname from my old pal Billy Walsh and just call him Trust Fund Baby, or TFB for short. He's the jerkoff that got so threatened by Reggie that he flew a plane with a banner that told him not to hit on married women. As much as I don't like Reggie, I can tell that I'm going to like this smarmy little A-hole even less. Ladies and gentlemen, TFB!
[audience boos TFB]

TFB: You will call me by my real name!

TURTLE: Yeah, I really feel sorry for you. I'm the one that got glossed by a slow reptile. Grow a pair, rich boy. Anyway, let's hear from the two guys with the beef, start with you Reggie.

REGGIE: Well, I don't understand what the big deal is. I gave this girl a chance to upgrade from this empty suit here and he gets all worked up about it!

TFB: I don't like your attitude! I'm better than you are, you had to perspire on a court for your money and I was born with mine!

[audience boos]

TURTLE: Yeah, way to work the sympathy angle there, TFB. OK, let's go to some text reactions from the audience. Dwight Schrute from Scranton, PA says, "The best way to cuckold another man's woman is to embargo his beet supply, thus depriving him of verility." Strangely enough, our next text message is from Andy Bernard in Scranton, PA, who says, "Dwight is a jerk. Nobody likes beets anyway. The best way to woo a woman, regardless of her availability, is to serenade her with a capella music. May I suggest starting with 'My Humps?'" Wow. Guys?
REGGIE: I got nothing.

TFB: Same here.

TURTLE: OK, moving right along. TFB, why the airplane, don't you realize that it makes you look like an insecure putz to pull something like that?

TFB: Stop calling me that! And I'm not insecure, my capacity to fly banners, combined with my expensive cars and homes more than compensate for the size of my genitalia!

REGGIE [sotto voce]: Ain't a brotha alive that's had to go to that card.

[audience laughs and cheers wildly]

TURTLE: Guys, please! Let's keep this on track here. Reggie, I notice that the banner referred to her being a married woman, but she's only his fiancee.

REGGIE: True! That wudn't no wedding ring on her finger there!

TFB: And what would you know about rings, Stevie Silver Medal?

[audience "ooohs"]

TURTLE: Wow, good one! But it kinda begs the question also about why a guy would want a woman who's so ready to flirt with a rich basketball star.

JOHNNY DRAMA (offstage): Yeahhhhhhhh!

TURTLE: Pipe down, Drama! OK, now answer my question.

TFB: She didn't want the attention! Why would she want to be hit on by somebody who's the second-best hoops player in his own family and more feminine than that sister to boot!

[audience "ooohs" again]

REGGIE: Well, why don't we see what she wants, sucka! Bring her out!

[TFB's fiancee enters the stage]

TURTLE: Well, Mrs. TFB-to-be, what's it gonna be? Is Reggie gonna "Hit That or Stand Pat?"

FIANCEE: Oh, he gonna hit that!

[Reggie and fiancee leave stage as audience laughs and applauds. TFB sits in stunned shock.]
TURTLE: Well, there they go. Word to the wise, Reg, you better wrap that rascal! Chick's been around, I bet. Anyway, we got the results in from our poll tonight. 88% of men thought the Miley Cyrus pole dance was "Hella-Hot" and 12% are pathological liars. Well, come back next week when we get another crew of losers in here to fight over stupid broads!

Contributor: Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Today’s Entrance Music

Jai Ho

Get up and put your hands over your hearts GAH readers because today is India's Independence Day. For this special occasion I've selected the anthem Jai Ho from last year's hit Slumdog Millionaire. No this isn't the national anthem, but it is a really great catchy tune that will make you want to dance. Enjoy, and Happy Independence Day!

Contributor: The Dentist

Philadelphia Fracas: McNabb, Vick Squabble

Concerning Michael Vick, Donovan McNabb is ecstatic. “I pretty much lobbied to get him here,” said McNabb. “He's no threat to me… We had the opportunity to add another weapon to our offense.”

McNabb might reconsider his enthusiasm. When the new teammates spoke, their conversation was awkward, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which my dog fetched from the fax)…
Michael Vick: Why lobby for me?
Donovan McNabb: Like I said, you’re no threat to me.
Michael Vick: Until you throw two picks.
Donovan McNabb: What the hell? I recruited you.
Michael Vick: What happened with your last recruit?
Donovan McNabb: We beat you in a championship game.
Michael Vick: Relax… We’re teammates…
Donovan McNabb: We should talk about the offense.
Michael Vick: I have some ideas for you.
Donovan McNabb: Formations?
Michael Vick: Flavors.
Donovan McNabb: Flavors?
Michael Vick: Grilled Chihuahua and Sausage Gumbo… Grilled Shih Tzu with Hearty Vegetable…
Donovan McNabb: Michael!
Michael Vick: Baked Pekingese with Cheese…
Donovan McNabb: You sick mother…
Michael Vick: You’re the Chunky Soup guy…
Donovan McNabb: Yeah, and you’re on parole…
Michael Vick: Just trying to make some endorsement money…
Donovan McNabb: Try something else…
Michael Vick: Alright. You think Rush Limbaugh’s hiring?

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Subtext of Philadelphia

On Friday, the Philadelphia Eagles introduced Michael Vick. While the snooze conference included choreographed moments (criminal, mentor, and owner in an album shot), sound bite subtext was audible and omnipresent.For those who didn’t watch ESPN or ESPN News, Vick’s responses and our translation are provided.

Question: On why he is willing to come back and not be the focal point of the offense:

Michael Vick: “I have been away from the game for two years and I’ve got to start somewhere, I’ve got to crawl before I walk. I can’t imagine going out after a two-year hiatus, going out and trying to be a starter for a football team, I just don’t think it can happen. With as much God-given abilities as I have, I don’t think that I would be able to do it. I think I could, but I wouldn’t risk it. I just need time to get my feet wet and get acclimated. I thought this was the perfect situation, perfect scenario. I can come in and I can learn from Donovan, one of the premier quarterbacks in the game, one of the best at it. Everything that he’s learned and the way he’s been polished just comes from Coach Reid. I want get with those two and do as much as I can to become a complete quarterback and I have time to do it.”

[I have been away from the game for two years and if you think I wouldn’t accept a fourth string job on the Raiders, you’re out of your mind. I can’t imagine another month of unemployment. With as much God-given abilities as I have, you see the rehabilitation, the use of God? With as much God-Given abilities as I have, I don’t think I should be unemployed. I thought this was the perfect situation, perfect scenario. I came be employed and when the fans turn on Donovan, one of the premiere whiners in the game, I’m back in.]

Question: On whether he believes there is a crime that is not deserving of a second chance:

Michael Vick: “I think everybody deserves a second chance. We all have issues, we all deal with certain things and we all have our own set of inequities. I think as long as you are willing to come back and do it the right way and do the right things and that you’re committed, then I think you deserve it. But, you only get one shot at a second chance, and I am conscious of that.”

[I think everybody, most of all me, deserves a second chance. We all have issues, Donte runs people over, Plaxico shoots himself, we all deal with certain things. I think as long as you are willing to come back and do it the right way, pretend you’re sorry, smile, act nice for some charity, then I think you deserve it. But, you only get one shot and if I mess up this act, that’s bad newz.]
Question: On whether there was a time when Vick knew what he was doing was wrong but still did it anyway:

Michael Vick: “We all use the excuse, ‘It was part of our culture.’ I don’t think that’s an excuse. I was kind of abiding by that rule at the time. As I grew older and as things started to transpire and then once I went to prison I had plenty of time to think about what I did. I’ve seen people’s reactions and I’ve been to that point that I never really cared. I won’t say I didn’t care, but I never thought about it. Now I understand people care about their animals. They care about their health, their welfare, the protection of animals and now I do. That’s why I say if I can help more than I hurt, then I am contributing. I am doing what I need to do.”

[We all use the excuse, it was part of our culture. I don’t think America will buy this answer here and on Sixty Minutes, but I’ll hope you’ll all watch as James Brown lobs me softballs. As I grew older and as things started to transpire, I knew it was wrong and then once I went to prison I had plenty of time to think wow this is wrong. I’ve seen people’s reactions and I’ve been to that point that I never really cared. I will say I didn’t care and I still don’t. I’m making millions again and what are those PETAs doing? I understand they care about their animals. They care about their health, which I don’t, their welfare, which I don’t, the protection of animals, protect them from me.]

Question: On what he plans to do off of the field and in the community to prove to the community that he is worth a second chance:

Michael Vick: “I think my actions will speak louder than my words. To be proactive and to be involved in the community, people will see that in due time. I’ve partnered up with the Humane Society and we’ve constantly been working hard to reach out to certain inner cities and certain communities to make sure that we attack the problem.”

[I think my actions will speak louder than my words. When the Eagles tell me be involved in the community, people will see that in due time. I’ve partnered up with the Humane Society, not because I needed to or I have any interest, but they are the only ones who would take my call.]

Question: On how he comes to terms with the fact that some people will never forgive him:

Michael Vick: “I understand. I would hope that they would [forgive me]. I committed an act that was cruel and it was unethical. It was inhumane, so I understand to a certain degree but our country is a country of second chances and I’ve paid my debt to society. I spent two years in prison, away from my fiancé [Kijafa], away from my mom and my family, away from my two kids and that was a humbling experience. I can’t explain how deeply hurt and how sorry I was once everything went down and I had to explain to my three kids what had happened, what had transpired, and it was because of daddy’s faults. That was the toughest thing. I asked them for a second chance to be a better father, to do the right things and to show them the way and how things are supposed to be done.”

[I would hope that they would forgive me, but they can lick my pit bulls. I committed an act and now I’m back in the NFL. I spent my two years in prison and I’m out and if Philadelphians or Americans cant forgive me, I’ll live with that pain. I cant explain how much I don’t care what the public thinks. Are they in the NFL? I had to explain to my three kids that people are jealous and my sentence was ridiculous. That was the toughest thing. I asked them for a second chance to be a better father, to that end, if America can’t forgive, I’ve never cared.]

Question: On whether he has spoken with QB Donovan McNabb:

Michael Vick: “I spoke to Donovan and we talked about how we were just going to work. We are going to go to work. We are going to watch as much film as we can and we’re just going to work out as much as we can and we’re going to pull each other a long. I’m along way away from playing, so he wanted to take time with me to get me to a point where I’m ready to play.”

[I spoke to Donovan and we talked about, you can read what we said next in celebrity transcripts]

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Mad Men Live

And I’m Googling

Elisabeth Moss

As former secretary and current copywriter Peggy Olson, Moss is personally conflicted and professionally confident. She epitomizes the sixties woman…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

1980

In Rehab’s initial selection, they were automotive vandals who sat in a bar. Now, they crave children and stability. Someone slip them a mickey…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Julie & Julia Inspire Idols

On August 7, Julie and Julia premiered. In the film, Julie Powell pays homage to Julia Child, blogging and cooking every recipe in the culinary icon’s cookbook.
With that as inspiration, five athletes will enact their own homages…
Sidney Crosby & Gordie Howe: For the 2009-2010 season, Crosby promises nine Gordie Howe hat tracks, consisting of one goal, one assist, and one fight per contest. Crosby will also wear number nine, the same number of speeches he made criticizing Stanley Cup officials.

Roger Federer & John McEnroe: In next year’s major championships, Federer pledges a minimum of one outburst per set. He will also wear Nike Super Brat clothing, whose commercials will conclude with “Wear Anything Else? You cannot be serious.”
Lebron James & Michael Jordon: While Nike and number connect the pair, James’ actions will cement their resemblance. During next seasons playoffs, James will be seen in Atlantic City prior to several contests.

Chad Johnson & Lynn Swann: Following HBO’s Hard Knocks, Johnson enrolls into an advanced ballet class. He also changes his first name to Ocho, his number to 88, and his name plate reads “Ocho Cubed.”
Manny Ramirez & Hank Aaron: Prior to the 2009 National League Playoffs, Ramirez vows that his home run trots will include two college students. He also requests post career employment in the Commissioners Office, as Director of Nuisance Players.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Speed Demons: Pryor’s Forty Could Be Fatal Flaw

According to Yahoo Sports (the worldwide leader in swill), Terrelle Pryor strides forty yards in 4.33 seconds. While this shorts and t-shirt scare tactic is impressive, Ohio State and Pryor should view speed as a scourge.

Consider these four former Buckeyes, whose speed and success ran conversely…

David Boston: As Charles Woodson and he played slap and trash talk, Boston’s speed was nonexistent. Ohio State supporters may remember his taunting touchdown…. However, Woodson’s wrestling victory is the perpetual highlight.

Joey Galloway: His receptions, yards, and touchdowns were top five statistics. Unfortunately, John Cooper was his coach. Speed cannot surmount ineptitude.

Ted Ginn: When one’s ankle is sprained, speed is irrelevant. Despite receiving, return, and rushing touchdowns, Ginn on crutches is most memorable moment.

Terry Glenn: From non-recruit to national superstar, Glenn’s career epitomized work ethic. If only he could have slowed down. “Michigan's nothing” still haunts Ohio State.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

Donte’ Stallworth

From New Orleans’ superstar to New England’s undefeated season to Manslaughter DUI, Stallworth has impressed and imploded. In one year, he will attempt a reclamation.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Nikita

One of my old prized possessions is a Nikita Koloff T-shirt, circa 1987, purchased at the Great American Bash when it toured Cleveland Stadium after an Indians game that summer. The Tribe lost, of course, but we the fans were all winners in getting to see a "Who's Who" of the NWA back in the day (although the prepubescent squealing of "RICKY! ROBERT!" was a bit much for these ears). Nikita Koloff to me was the badass at that time that it was OK to root for because his character was now pro-American. But it is undeniable that the tendency is for promoters to portray their babyfaces as more human and vulnerable. A good friend of mine at the time only rooted for bad guys for that very reason and he was disgusted with Nikita once he befriended Dusty Rhodes and Magnum T.A. To him, Nikita now reminded him of the wimpy song by the same name that was on the airwaves at the time.

So in honor of the kinder, gentler, Perestroika good guy Nikita Koloff, we dedicate this very fey video and wish for the ring entrance that never was: Elton John serenading the Russian Nightmare on the way to the ring...

Contributor: Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Mike Fisher Should Quit Before He’s Checked

According to People: Country Edition (Hee Haw with style), Carrie Underwood loves softball. During the City of Hope Celebrity Softball Challenge, the former high school catcher revealed she doesn’t mind playing dirty. As Mike Fisher considers his girlfriend’s athletic superiority, we hope he enjoys this softball montage…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Supply Self Apparel

The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act’s impact is ambiguous… Automotive and retail sales are erratic… Existing and new home sales are optimistic… Unemployment is uncertain…

Despite the indiscernible economic scenario, people purchase jerseys…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Mad Men Live

And I’m Googling

1995 NBA Draft

While Kevin Garnett, Antonio McDyess, Jerry Stackhouse, and Rasheed Wallace were top five selections, this draft’s imbalance is inescapable. Ed O’Bannon, Cherokee Parks, Shawn Respert, and Gary Trent were also lottery selections.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Get Buck in Here

Lyrics’ objective is imagery. With this selection, your images are grinding against your male anatomy.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Tiger Discipline

Last weekend, Tiger Woods admonished European Tour Chief Referee John Paramor. While Woods should have been fined, PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem received the punishment, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which we obtained after we were placed on the clock)…
Tim Finchem: Your conduct was unacceptable. I’m fining you $20,000.
Tiger Woods: No, you’re not.
Tim Finchem: $15,000.
Tiger Woods: No.
Tim Finchem: $10,000.
Tiger Woods: No.
Tim Finchem: $5,000.
Tiger Woods: No.
Tim Finchem: I’ll release a statement very critical of you.
Tiger Woods: No.
Tim Finchem: I’ll release a statement critical of you.
Tiger Woods: No.
Tim Finchem: I’ll release a statement apologizing to you.
Tiger Woods: Appreciate the call.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

Vanessa Minnillo

From Entertainment Tonight and Derek Jeter to Disaster Movie and Nick Lachey, Minillo’s career and dating downtrends have coincided…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Stayin Alive

This morning looked a little blah, so I decided to cheer myself up with this song. And you know what? It worked. The last remnants of sleep left my eyes. Thoughts of the impending workday vanished to be replaced by memories of the Barry Gibb Talk Show skit on SNL. Even the sun shone brighter- though I also chose that moment to remove my sunglasses.

Contributor: The Dentist

Entourage Enjoys Patriots Day

On Entourage, Tom Brady befriended the Chase brothers, conquered them on the course, and revealed Gisele Bündchen’s passions… While Turtle’s obligation, New Yorkers must suggest Brady “sucks balls,” seemed ridiculous based upon Super Bowl XLII’s result, the episode remained amusing.

Ultimately, Brady invites Turtle and factual-fictional girlfriend Jamie Lynn Soprano to dinner… Turtle accepts and suggests Brady should be a New York Giant (Does Eli Manning suck balls?)…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Mad Men Live

And I’m Googling

Bill Maher
Since 1993, the former Politically Incorrect and current Real Time host has criticized conservatives, corporations, religion, and stupidity. He should criticize his non-performance. Maher’s twenty-two nominations own the record for recognitions without an Emmy Award.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Corona and Lime

This signature summer selection illustrates that inspiration is omnipresent and women can be compared with anything.

As an opening line, I wonder if will you be my corona and lime has ever succeeded?

Contributor: Platinum Smalls