Sixth Man Set to Wed Third Sister

On Sunday, Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian will marry. Kobe Bryant mistrusts his teammate’s impending nuptials, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which we obtained from someone who took Miami)…
Kobe Bryant: Congratulations man.
Lamar Odom: What you mean?
Kobe Bryant: You’re engagement.
Lamar Odom: You heard? We haven’t even called E about a reality show.
Kobe Bryant: TMZ.
Lamar Odom: Kobe Bryant reads TMZ?
Kobe Bryant: My wife reads TMZ.
Lamar Odom: What you read? ESPN?
Kobe Bryant: And everywhere else I own the headlines. When’s the wedding?
Lamar Odom: Sunday. I’m doin this quick.
Kobe Bryant: Why? Is Khloe expecting a little sixth man?
Lamar Odom: It’s not like that. I just want this over.
Kobe Bryant: How can your marriage occur quicker than your contract signing?
Lamar Odom: Kobe, you don’t know... You got the wife, the two kids, the four titles… You MVP… Eleven time all-star…
Kobe Bryant: And two time scoring champ.
Lamar Odom: Right. I’m the sixth man. I’m a no time all-star. Khloe knows who she’s with and it’s over.
Kobe Bryant: You’re afraid she’ll leave you?
Lamar Odom: Before Hank Baskett married Kendra, he was a sixth string wide receiver.
Kobe Bryant: He still is. You should chill.
Lamar Odom: Maybe you right, but what would I do without Khloe?
Kobe Bryant: I read Tila Tequila’s single.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Sing for the King: Shaq Cuts Throwback Track

Following fourteen months of silence, Shaquille O'Neal has exchanged assault rap for reflective rhythm and blues. Witness this selection

Our season’s nights were never right at a Flop House in West H-Wood
The crazy sights were constant highlights at a Flop House in West H-Wood
Where Kobe stashed his mistresses
Jeanie Buss did our dishes
And Rick Fox cursed his wife’s wishes at a Flop House in West H-Wood

Coach Jackson smoked his tribal herb at a Flop House in West H-Wood
Brian Shaw taught Slava English verbs at a Flop House in West H-Wood
Ron Harper took naps on a cot
Robert Horry practiced winning shots
And Mark Madsen danced his ass off at a Flop House in West H-Wood

Champs were made and dues were paid at a Flop House in West H-Wood
Scrubs got hazed and stars got laid at a Flop House in West H-Wood
If King and me would go out west
He’d learn how to be the best
And then he and I would teach the rest at a Flop House in West H-Wood

Ko-be… Flop House in West H-Wood
Ko-be… Flop House in West H-Wood
Ko-be… Flop House in West H-Wood

Contributor: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Sports Trivialized

This afternoon, I was reading US Weekly and I could not comprehend their “news.” "She was laughing at all his jokes and they were sitting so close…”
As I read, I mused… What if they covered sports?

Josh Beckett: The World Series MVP recently downloaded several country music hits onto his I-pod… “It could be motivation or an attempt at matchmaking,” says a Beckett insider. “Country’s been helpful with both.”
Kobe Bryant: Spotted! The four time champion and former adulterer browsing necklaces inside Stein Diamonds. “He was asking carat weights and he said he didn’t care about price,” said a witness.

Chad Johnson: Despite an alleged metacarpal fracture, Ocho Cinco was seen twittering as he enjoyed Cranberry and Red Bull, inside the Havana Martini Night Club. “Child please,” said the flamboyant wide out. “Nothing stops my twitter.”
Peyton Manning: Wearing jean shorts, a striped polo, and a Colts hat, the signal caller snacked on Hydrox and lounged on the deck of his condo. “He’s never really liked Oreos,” a source told US.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Assessing the Criminal, Phony, & Selfish

“10 Most Disliked People in Sports,” an assemblage of the criminal, phony, and selfish, has been released by E-Poll and Forbes. Now, I could discuss the fallacy of surveys such as this. I could discuss that “disliked” is individual and regional. I could discuss that the majority of fans aren’t informed enough to participate in a drunken discussion, let alone a scientific survey (yes, I said it)… But, I cannot and would never sacrifice an opportunity to scorch those who warrant it...

1. Michael Vick: He may be the only the person in this nation phoning George W. Bush for popularity advice. Those speculating whether or not can he can rehabilitate his image should instead asses whether Citigroup can survive one week without awarding a bonus.

2. Manny Ramirez: While obscene attitude and steroids (not once, but twice) are ample justification for a top ten ranking, Ramirez should have been outranked by others in baseball…

3. Alex Rodriguez: A-Roid should have been a landslide number two. Cheating on the front page of the tabloids… Confessing steroids after denouncing them… John Edwards and his illegitimate child think he’s disingenuous.

4. Terrell Owens: His antics are insipid, but they don’t make me want to toss my television while his show is on it… Owens is the type of jerk you love when he’s performing… It’s when he’s not that life is difficult…
5. Kobe Bryant: If “10 Most Smug People in Sports” were published, Bryant would consume seven of the top ten sports (we have to set aside three for his ego)… His Most Valuable Puppet can’t even conduct an interview that doesn’t make me nauseous.

6. Allen Iverson: He has legal and music setbacks in his career, but arrogance has never been his overwhelming issue… The fact he can’t win is his overwhelming issue…

7. Isiah Thomas: If New Yorkers or women were the only people voting, Thomas would win in a walk. As for the national opinion, he has been banished into… what no one has heard of it college is he coaching at again?

8. Stephon Marbury: If New Yorkers were the only people voting, Marbury vs. Thomas would be closer than Bush vs. Gore (and I wouldn’t want to be one of the nine souls deciding the outcome). With his contract expired, he has as much of a chance of returning to the association, as he does attracting viewers to his moronic webcast.
9. Nick Saban: Is there a college football program, professional football organization, or citizen of this nation that he hasn’t offended? No one (with the exception of Alabama fans) didn’t enjoy watching Utah take his faux top five Tide out for a walk.

10. John McEnroe: I won’t risk carpel tunnel typing what an idiotic selection this was…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls