Pete Carroll’s Honesty Camp

Pete Carroll’s communication is candid, sincere, and unvarnished. Recently, Carroll hosted a professional seminar entitled “Embrace Reality Whether Honesty Improves or Impairs.” [Sheraton Downtown: Los Angeles, California]

[Pete Carroll, Jeff Fisher, Eric Mangini, and Raheem Morris are seated inside a conference room]

Pete Carroll: I hope you understand why I requested all of you.

Eric Mangini: I don’t. Can you explain why we should listen to a former professional with a mediocre record?

Pete Carroll: Well, my record was a winning record, but I requested you because each of you can’t tell the truth about your team.

Jeff Fisher: What do you mean the truth about our team?

Pete Carroll: Jeff, you’re a prime example. You’ve said you’re off to a bad start and it’s unacceptable.
Jeff Fisher: One, we are off to a bad start. Two, I expect more. Three, our organization, our owner, our fans and players expect more. In everyone’s mind, this is unacceptable.

Pete Carroll: Tell your organization, your owner, your players, your fans, and yourself the truth. Last year was a complete surprise and you can’t repeat it.

Raheem Morris: Why would he say that and since I asked what should I say?

Pete Carroll: Say you’re completely unqualified, you shouldn’t have been hired, your management was stupid, and this start was predictable.

Raheem Morris: Is that it?

Pete Carroll: Derrick Brooks, Warrick Dunn, Joey Galloway, and Ike Hilliard should still be Buccaneers.
Jeff Fisher: Pete, I understand you’re a college coach and when you lose one game, even if the team that beats you is an inferior conference opponent, you can afford an undiplomatic assessment. We are professionals. We have to manage expectations.

Pete Carroll: Expectations are either realistic or unrealistic.

Jeff Fisher: There’s a saying, if it was easy, anyone could do it. You were a professional. You couldn’t do it. We should determine our expectations.

Pete Carroll: You determined your expectations and you’re all winless.

Eric Mangini: Pete, we can’t arrange our expectations through illegal recruiting. My roster was talentless when I arrived.
Pete Carroll: Eric, you have the draft, trades, free agency. You can arrange expectations. You’re sock puppet general manager is completely ineffective.

Eric Mangini: George Kokinis is a capable and intelligent professional.

Pete Carroll: Eric, you don’t even believe that.

Jeff Fisher: This has been a fascinating discussion and you’re a great college coach, but you said Mark Sanchez wouldn’t succeed and he’s undefeated.

Pete Carroll: Well, thank you all for coming. If you’ll excuse me, I have another press conference. I have to rationalize our poor performance against Washington.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Colts vs. Cardinals

Today’s Entrance Music

Enter Sandman

Inspired via a guitar rift, the first metal lullaby was scorned as “catchy and kind of commercial.” Mariano Rivera, the Los Angeles Angels, the Iowa Hawkeyes, the Rutgers Scarlett Knights, the Virginia Tech Hokies have utilized the selection as entrance music.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Chad Ocho Cinco’s Child Please Commentaries

Chad Johnson: Ocho Cinco fixed and planted the Lambeau Leap? Why my haters not respect creativity? Why they call me a fraud? I said I would leap and I leaped. I didn’t say w here I would leap. I didn’t say how I would leap. I didn’t say into who I would leap. I said I would leap and I was more than the voice of authority, the voice of reason, I am the platinum playmaker turned platinum celebrator and this is a victorious Child Please commentaries…
CP Commentary One: Milton Bradley accepted his suspension. Accepted his suspension? CHILD PLEASE. You think Chris Henry said Commissioner Goodell, eight games is excessive, I only want four. You think Ocho Cinco name his fines? Not fifteen thousand, ten thousand. I danced that’s only worth five thousand. Milton Bradley hit less home runs than Ramon Hernandez and played on more teams than Tank Johnson. He should volunteer for that suspension.
CP Commentary Two: According to Michael Ventre, Jet fan has been wearing the same twelve jersey since the sixth grade. Before Jet fan say anything and you know they still screamin four letters that ain’t the team name, they should admit that they not the king of no hill, they not the top of no help, they and their city should just stay asleep. Jet fan get a big CHILD PLEASE.
CP Commentary Three: President Obama plans another cash program. People can swap they old appliances like they cars. CHILD PLEASE. America need a Cash for Chad program. Trade Chad Johnson jerseys for cash and buy a brand new Ocho Cinco jersey. Stores sell more jerseys, they hire more people, people have more money, and they spend that money to watch Ocho Cinco play.
CP Commentary Four: Lloyd’s of London made Mark McGwire take andro. Who Lloyd’s of London? Did Jim Carrey remake that movie? Did Ari’s assistant relocate? And how they tell an athlete take drugs? McGwire couldn’t say no? He couldn’t scream this will ruin my career? CHILD PLEASE. What next? Barry Bonds say he had to take steroids?
Chad Johnson: Until next time, this is Eighty-five, aka Ocho Cinco, aka the Black Mexican saying in Chad You Must Trust… I pay my fines and I don’t use no juice!

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

Bells Are Ringing
The Freed Unit’s final film incorporated an actor, bookmaker, musical dentist, struggling playwright, and whimsical receptionist. Fred Clark, Eddie Foy Jr., Frank Gorshin, Judy Holliday, Hal Linden, Dean Martin, Gerry Mulligan, Jean Stapleton, and Bernard West headlined the cast.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Creeque Alley

Following Mackenzie Phillips’ scandalous revelations, this selection was inevitable. The Mamas and Papas autobiographical anthem mentions their creation, existence, and rival acts. Their assimilation activities remain inside another memoir.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Grey’s Anatomy Live Blog

Football, Firearms, Extremists, & Enthusiasts

According to multiple reports, ammunition demand has induced scarcity. According to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, 2011 may commence with a lockout.

If firearms and football appear unrelated, two neighbors recent interaction should illustrate the connection.
[Maryville, Tennessee]

[Daniel Kefauver stands outside his house as Direct TV employees enter and exit. Across the street, Sam Flatt unloads boxes from his truck. Kefauver observes this and approaches him.]

Daniel Kefauver: You want some help?

Sam Flatt: Thank you.

Daniel Kefauver: What’s in the boxes?

Sam Flatt: S&W nine millimeter federal hollow points.

Daniel Kefauver: There must be forty boxes in here.
Sam Flatt: Can’t take any chances. Buford Hickcok Obamunist wants our guns.

Daniel Kefauver: Obama. His name is Barack Obama.

[Flatt reacts with angered silence]

Sam Flatt: Why’s everyone at your house?

Daniel Kefauver: We’re rewiring our electronics.

Sam Flatt: Good thinking. You know he had special communist chips put in the tv’s.

Daniel Kefauver: We bought extra DVR’s, so we can record every NFL game.

Sam Flatt: You spent thousands to tape football?

Daniel Kefauver: You spent thousands on unnecessary ammunition. How are we different?

Sam Flatt: Son, the second amendment is the reset button on the constitution.

Daniel Kefauver: The NFL is the reset button on back to school, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve… Every important aspect of life.

Sam Flatt: Do you know what would happened if our guns disappeared?

Daniel Kefauver: I can imagine what would happen if football disappeared.

Sam Flatt: Son, I can draw you a line… First it’s the guns, then the doctors, then the churches, and our jobs and our kids…

Daniel Kefauver: If the NFL locks out their players, those same things could happen.

Sam Flatt: What about the players who carry guns?

Daniel Kefauver: Yeah… Plaxico Burress won’t be in any games I record.

Sam Flatt: You know if I could give you numbers…

Daniel Kefauver: Why can’t you?

Sam Flatt: Do I look like I can count? If I gave you numbers about guns you would cry.

Daniel Kefauver: I can give you numbers about football and if the revenues were reduced, millions would cry.

Sam Flatt: It’s like Glenn Beck said, your hunting rights are at stake. Your gun rights are at stake. I want America to wake up.

Daniel Kefauver: I want America to wake up also. If the NFL locks out or strikes, I’ll suffer. Children will suffer. Cities and states will suffer.

Sam Flatt: Son, you just don’t get it. If guns disappear, then it’s communism… socialism… and we play soccer…

Daniel Kefauver: You’ll play soccer. I’ll just watch one of the games I recorded.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Colts vs. Cardinals

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Stars & Hype

Today’s Entrance Music

My Happy Ending

They were an agonized and nauseating couple. They shared elevator kisses. They shared horrific sex. They shared an insipid passion and an irritating plot. Alas, George and Izzie, whom obsessive viewers labeled “Gizzie,” passes away this evening.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Fans Monetary Mantra: If They Suck, We Shouldn’t Pay

On September 3, Boise State defeated Oregon 19-8. Oregon Alum Tony Seminary, who attended the contest, sent his alma mater an invoice for tickets and travel expenses. Oregon Coach Chip Kelly reimbursed him.

Seminary’s actions and results have inspired others.
Earlier this month, Juan Martin Del Porto defeated Roger Federer 3–6, 7–6, 4–6, 7–6, 6–2. Seventeen year old Caleb Perry, who has idolized Federer, postponed two dates to attend the match. His invoice requests $439. $250 for his ticket; $139 for his idol’s replica sweater; $29 for food and snacks; $21 for bus fare; and three autographs, one for him and two for his girlfriends.

On September 13, the San Francisco Giants defeated the Los Angeles Dodgers 7-2. Los Angeles Lawyer Steven Becker skipped lunch with parents and massage therapy with his mistress. His invoice requests $365. $258 for his flight, which seated him between an overweight accountant and an unintelligent model; $64 for his ticket; $26 for three beers, one of which he threw toward another fan; and $17 for a t-shirt, which he vowed would coat his hamster cage.
On Sunday, Jeff Gordon finished fifteenth. Missouri Sanitation Supervisor Keith Tripp wasted three vacation days and three trash routes were neglected. His invoice requests $577. $219 for his flight, which seated him beside someone who mocked motorsports; $190 for his hotel; $90 for his ticket; $65 for a die cast car; and $13 for a case of beer, which he purchased for three tailgaters, who questioned his rainbow colored shirt.

Last weekend, the Denver Broncos defeated the Cleveland Browns 27-6. Cleveland Electricians Michael and Roger Sherman asserted illness and sacrificed their neighbor’s electricity. Their invoice requests $889. $432 for their flight; $268 for their hotel; $110 for their tickets, which seated them between several who threatened them; $43 for transportation to a venue which sold Budweiser; and $36 for Budwesier.

Two days ago, the Philadelphia Flyers defeated the Detroit Red Wings 5-2. General Motors Second Shift Alex Whitaker celebrated his employment with a vacation. His invoice requests $216. $112 for gas; $61 food; $24 for a t-shirt, and $19 for a ticket, which he purchased from internet seller MV7, who prefers canine confrontations over power plays.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Modern Family Live Blog

The FDH Lounge Live

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Grey’s Anatomy

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Stars & Hype

Today’s Entrance Music

Big Poppa

Last Wednesday, FDH Lounge Host Rick Morris requested another live blog, but also said he would never obligate someone else.

I’ll respond with one sentence… Rick, we can do this every weekend.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Jon Sans Kate Plus Debate

Kate Gosselin: Welcome to the Kate Gosselin Show. Before we start, I want to tell Cara Nicole, Madelyn Kate, Alexis Faith, Hannah Joy, Aaden Jonathan, Collin Thomas, Leah Hope, and Joel Kevin, mommy misses you. Mommy can’t spend any time with you and when we’re together, I treat you like props, but mommy loves her props very much. Yesterday, the Arizona Cardinals defeated the Jacksonville Jaguars 31-17. Kurt Warner set a record and Larry Fitzgerald caught a touchdown. Unfortunately, their relationship has been complicated by a third party, similar to the third party affairs which have complicated my relationship. Joining me today are Arizona Cardinals Quarterback Kurt Warner and Wide Receiver Larry Fitzgerald, former Arizona Cardinals and current California Redwoods Coach Dennis Green, and one of his players, Marcus Fitzgerald, Larry’s younger brother.
Kate Gosselin: Kurt, you completed 24 of 26 passes, threw two touchdowns, and you won. Everything seemed perfect, but your partner betrayed you. I have some experience with this. Jon and I were very happy. We earned millions for having kids and talking about kids, but he ruined everything. Is this situation all your partner’s fault?

Kurt Warner: Kate, my wife Brenda and I have been married for twelve years and I don’t know you, so I have no idea what you just said. The Arizona Cardinals won yesterday. It wasn’t easy and the Colts won’t be easy and we should prepare for them. Instead, I’m sitting on a couch talking about this. I’m not a former first round pick who wants attention. I’m a former stocky boy at the Hy-Vee Grocery Store and I’m happy I’m still playing. I want this over.

Kate Gosselin: Larry, Kurt is ready to end this controversy. Are you?

Larry Fitzgerald: Kate, I’ve had ten catches for 105 yards and we’re 1-1. Last year, I had nine catches for 184 yards and we started 2-0. Kurt is the same quarterback, but this is another year. We have expectations, I have expectations, and Kurt should get me the ball. I want the ball.

Kate Gosselin: Marcus, you instigated this controversy, similar to Jon instigating our divorce and the tabloids several affairs and flirtations. Marcus, do you regret your actions?

Marcus Fitzgerald: I was just frustrated because as a brother I just wanna see him get the ball all the time ya know. I was only kidding and the media tried to stir something up.

Kate Gosselin: Dennis, you coached both of these brothers. Does this incident surprise you?

Dennis Green: Not really. Like other NFL siblings, they are who we thought they were.

Kate Gosselin: One sibling is a superstar with millions and talent and the other is a second rate nobody, who dreams of starting alongside their brother, even when it’s obvious they lack the talent.

Dennis Green: Correct.

Kate Gosselin: Kurt, will this incident alter your actions, as Jon’s cheating altered my ability to neglect our children without media scrutiny?

Kurt Warner: Kate, I don’t neglect my children publicly or privately, so again I cannot relate to you. We need to prepare for the Indianapolis Colts and our division which is weak, but not as weak as last season. We’re not a superior team, we’re one of three mediocre teams and winning this division is where our attention should be.
Kate Gosselin: Maybe your attention should be on the wide receiver who you’ve neglected for two games, as Jon neglected me and ruined our marriage. Larry, have you been neglected?

Larry Fitzgerald: I don’t know who Jon is or why you have a talk show. I want to win a Super Bowl and get paid and I can’t do either without the ball. I just want the ball.

Kate Gosselin: You want this over as I want Jon off my television so I can neglect my children and host my talk show. Marcus, do you feel the same?

Marcus Fitzgerald: I mean, I’m aight with your show and Larry has a kid, so you can ask him on the other thing. I was only kidding and the media tried to stir something up.

Kate Gosselin: Dennis, this is my final question. Larry is an elite wide receiver and seems humble. Was he humble when you coached him and is he humble now?

Dennis Green: Kate, elite is not my word. If you want to crown Larry, then crown his ass. He was a humble ball boy once, but now he has millions. How should I know?

Kate Gosselin: Dennis, I understand. Jon and I were very happy, but he is not the man I married and now we’re divorced. Thanks everyone for a great show. Join us again and remember, I love my kids to pieces, as long as the camera crews raise them.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Dimwit Owner Apologizes For Dimwit Who Called Dimwit Fans Dimwits

On Monday, Robert Henson twittered, “All you fake half hearted Skins fan can . . . I won't go there, but I dislike you very strongly, don't come to Fed Ex to boo dim wits!!”

On Tuesday, Owner Daniel Snyder addressed his rookie’s comments and apologized via a front page letter in the Washington Post.
Dear Redskins Fans,

The tradition of the Redskins is winning. Jack Kent Cooke won eighteen playoff games and three Super Bowls. I have won two playoff games. I sincerely regret these results. I sincerely regret that I have symbolized incompetent ownership. Robert Henson’s comments were misdirected. Deadspin’s headline ( “Dimwit Redskins Fans Don’t Like Dimwit Who Called Them Dimwits”) was misdirected.

Our fans are not responsible. You did not alienate veteran coaches with continual interference. You did not hire Steve Spurrier, who insulted more coaches than he defeated. You did not fire Norv Turner and implode our 2000 season, when we were in playoff contention.

You did not overpay old and overrated free agents such as Adam Archuleta, Laveranues Coles, Jeff George, Brandon Lloyd, Antwaan Randle-El, Bruce Smith, Deion Sanders, Shawn Springs, and Jeremiah Trotter. And you did not draft Jason Campbell, Rod Gardner, or Patrick Ramsey, each of whom had multiple pro bowlers selected within ten choices of them.

You are fans. You are doctors and lawyers who spend excessive amounts on the diluted drinks and stale pretzels our club seats serve. You are the Dead Tree Crew, who dinks themselves into oblivion and makes every game a regrettable experience for everyone around you. You did not request several seasons of inept management and mediocre football. Yet, I have provided several seasons of inept management and mediocre football.

When I purchased this franchise after my telemarketing success, I vowed I would succeed my way. Jerry Jones had denigrated an iconic franchise and won. I assumed I would also. The only difference has been Jerry has won seven division titles and three Super Bowls.

Sincerely,
Daniel M. Snyder

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Modern Family

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents FDH Lounge Live

Today’s Entrance Music

Get Busy

Now here's a song that comes with a huge serving of nostalgia. That and that alone is my entire reason for posting it.

And no, the fact that they played it on Dancing with the Stars last night has absolutely nothing to do with it. Why would you even think that?

Contributor: The Dentist

Sixth Man Set to Wed Third Sister

On Sunday, Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian will marry. Kobe Bryant mistrusts his teammate’s impending nuptials, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which we obtained from someone who took Miami)…
Kobe Bryant: Congratulations man.
Lamar Odom: What you mean?
Kobe Bryant: You’re engagement.
Lamar Odom: You heard? We haven’t even called E about a reality show.
Kobe Bryant: TMZ.
Lamar Odom: Kobe Bryant reads TMZ?
Kobe Bryant: My wife reads TMZ.
Lamar Odom: What you read? ESPN?
Kobe Bryant: And everywhere else I own the headlines. When’s the wedding?
Lamar Odom: Sunday. I’m doin this quick.
Kobe Bryant: Why? Is Khloe expecting a little sixth man?
Lamar Odom: It’s not like that. I just want this over.
Kobe Bryant: How can your marriage occur quicker than your contract signing?
Lamar Odom: Kobe, you don’t know... You got the wife, the two kids, the four titles… You MVP… Eleven time all-star…
Kobe Bryant: And two time scoring champ.
Lamar Odom: Right. I’m the sixth man. I’m a no time all-star. Khloe knows who she’s with and it’s over.
Kobe Bryant: You’re afraid she’ll leave you?
Lamar Odom: Before Hank Baskett married Kendra, he was a sixth string wide receiver.
Kobe Bryant: He still is. You should chill.
Lamar Odom: Maybe you right, but what would I do without Khloe?
Kobe Bryant: I read Tila Tequila’s single.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls

House Live Blog

And I’m Googling

Mad About You
From 1992-1999, Helen Hurt and Paul Reiser epitomized newlywed neuroses. Unique cameos and crossovers were also series’ aspects. Friends, Seinfeld, and the Dick Van Dyke Show were referenced. Andre Agassi, Ed Asner, Kevin Bacon, Christie Brinkley, Garth Brooks, Sid Caesar, Patrick Ewing, Al Gore, Billy Joel, Lisa Kudrow, Cyndi Lauper, Lyle Lovett, Mark McGwire, Yoko Ono, Regis Philbin, Carl Reiner, Michael Richards, Jerry Seinfeld, and Bruce Willis guest starred.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Stars & Hype

Today’s Entrance Music

I Gotta Feeling

Following a stressful afternoon, CSI Miami, Gossip Girl, Heroes, House, and Monday Night Football will melt your anxiety away. David Caruso, Joanna Garcia, Jon Gruden, Hugh Laurie, Blake Lively, Leighton Meester, Hayden Panettiere, Emily Procter, Michelle Trachtenberg, and Olivia Wilde… Tonight’s gonna be a good good night…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Giants vs. Cowboys Live Blog

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents House

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Stars & Hype

Today’s Entrance Music

24/7 Theme

Following three appearances and subsequent victories, Floyd Mayweather owns pugilism’s premiere program and selection. Is Manny Pacquiao next?

Contributor: Platinum Smalls