Football, Firearms, Extremists, & Enthusiasts

According to multiple reports, ammunition demand has induced scarcity. According to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, 2011 may commence with a lockout.

If firearms and football appear unrelated, two neighbors recent interaction should illustrate the connection.
[Maryville, Tennessee]

[Daniel Kefauver stands outside his house as Direct TV employees enter and exit. Across the street, Sam Flatt unloads boxes from his truck. Kefauver observes this and approaches him.]

Daniel Kefauver: You want some help?

Sam Flatt: Thank you.

Daniel Kefauver: What’s in the boxes?

Sam Flatt: S&W nine millimeter federal hollow points.

Daniel Kefauver: There must be forty boxes in here.
Sam Flatt: Can’t take any chances. Buford Hickcok Obamunist wants our guns.

Daniel Kefauver: Obama. His name is Barack Obama.

[Flatt reacts with angered silence]

Sam Flatt: Why’s everyone at your house?

Daniel Kefauver: We’re rewiring our electronics.

Sam Flatt: Good thinking. You know he had special communist chips put in the tv’s.

Daniel Kefauver: We bought extra DVR’s, so we can record every NFL game.

Sam Flatt: You spent thousands to tape football?

Daniel Kefauver: You spent thousands on unnecessary ammunition. How are we different?

Sam Flatt: Son, the second amendment is the reset button on the constitution.

Daniel Kefauver: The NFL is the reset button on back to school, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve… Every important aspect of life.

Sam Flatt: Do you know what would happened if our guns disappeared?

Daniel Kefauver: I can imagine what would happen if football disappeared.

Sam Flatt: Son, I can draw you a line… First it’s the guns, then the doctors, then the churches, and our jobs and our kids…

Daniel Kefauver: If the NFL locks out their players, those same things could happen.

Sam Flatt: What about the players who carry guns?

Daniel Kefauver: Yeah… Plaxico Burress won’t be in any games I record.

Sam Flatt: You know if I could give you numbers…

Daniel Kefauver: Why can’t you?

Sam Flatt: Do I look like I can count? If I gave you numbers about guns you would cry.

Daniel Kefauver: I can give you numbers about football and if the revenues were reduced, millions would cry.

Sam Flatt: It’s like Glenn Beck said, your hunting rights are at stake. Your gun rights are at stake. I want America to wake up.

Daniel Kefauver: I want America to wake up also. If the NFL locks out or strikes, I’ll suffer. Children will suffer. Cities and states will suffer.

Sam Flatt: Son, you just don’t get it. If guns disappear, then it’s communism… socialism… and we play soccer…

Daniel Kefauver: You’ll play soccer. I’ll just watch one of the games I recorded.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

In A New York Minute

I lie in the darkness. I hear the sirens wail. Plaxico went to emergency. Now, he’s going to jail.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Endorsement & Sponsorship Promotional Network

As Michael Beasley’s issues were revealed, ESPN offset his twitter and their promotion. Under “Feelin like it’s not worth livin!!!!!!! I’m done” was twitter.com/ESPNNews.

Sadly, ESPN’s insensitivity is not unusual.
E:60: As Vince Young discusses his chaotic childhood, Michael Smith interrupts the interview. Smith notes that the upcoming issue of ESPN for Kids will include an article on “how playing football helps when you feel sad.”

NFL Live: Between Brandon Marshall’s responses, Bonnie Bernstein reminds viewers that ESPN Radio 1600’s programming is presented by Bar Standard: Home of Denver’s Best Shots.
Outside the Lines: During Plaxico Burress’ initial post-sentence interview, Jeremy Schaap asks several questions about guns. The question’s contexts include several references to ESPN Outdoors programs.

Sportscenter: When Kerry Collins’ interview concludes, Mike Greenburg requests an additional segment. Collins agrees and Greenburg states that he will ask another six questions, also known as the Coors Light Cold Hard Facts.

Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Subtext of Philadelphia

On Friday, the Philadelphia Eagles introduced Michael Vick. While the snooze conference included choreographed moments (criminal, mentor, and owner in an album shot), sound bite subtext was audible and omnipresent.For those who didn’t watch ESPN or ESPN News, Vick’s responses and our translation are provided.

Question: On why he is willing to come back and not be the focal point of the offense:

Michael Vick: “I have been away from the game for two years and I’ve got to start somewhere, I’ve got to crawl before I walk. I can’t imagine going out after a two-year hiatus, going out and trying to be a starter for a football team, I just don’t think it can happen. With as much God-given abilities as I have, I don’t think that I would be able to do it. I think I could, but I wouldn’t risk it. I just need time to get my feet wet and get acclimated. I thought this was the perfect situation, perfect scenario. I can come in and I can learn from Donovan, one of the premier quarterbacks in the game, one of the best at it. Everything that he’s learned and the way he’s been polished just comes from Coach Reid. I want get with those two and do as much as I can to become a complete quarterback and I have time to do it.”

[I have been away from the game for two years and if you think I wouldn’t accept a fourth string job on the Raiders, you’re out of your mind. I can’t imagine another month of unemployment. With as much God-given abilities as I have, you see the rehabilitation, the use of God? With as much God-Given abilities as I have, I don’t think I should be unemployed. I thought this was the perfect situation, perfect scenario. I came be employed and when the fans turn on Donovan, one of the premiere whiners in the game, I’m back in.]

Question: On whether he believes there is a crime that is not deserving of a second chance:

Michael Vick: “I think everybody deserves a second chance. We all have issues, we all deal with certain things and we all have our own set of inequities. I think as long as you are willing to come back and do it the right way and do the right things and that you’re committed, then I think you deserve it. But, you only get one shot at a second chance, and I am conscious of that.”

[I think everybody, most of all me, deserves a second chance. We all have issues, Donte runs people over, Plaxico shoots himself, we all deal with certain things. I think as long as you are willing to come back and do it the right way, pretend you’re sorry, smile, act nice for some charity, then I think you deserve it. But, you only get one shot and if I mess up this act, that’s bad newz.]
Question: On whether there was a time when Vick knew what he was doing was wrong but still did it anyway:

Michael Vick: “We all use the excuse, ‘It was part of our culture.’ I don’t think that’s an excuse. I was kind of abiding by that rule at the time. As I grew older and as things started to transpire and then once I went to prison I had plenty of time to think about what I did. I’ve seen people’s reactions and I’ve been to that point that I never really cared. I won’t say I didn’t care, but I never thought about it. Now I understand people care about their animals. They care about their health, their welfare, the protection of animals and now I do. That’s why I say if I can help more than I hurt, then I am contributing. I am doing what I need to do.”

[We all use the excuse, it was part of our culture. I don’t think America will buy this answer here and on Sixty Minutes, but I’ll hope you’ll all watch as James Brown lobs me softballs. As I grew older and as things started to transpire, I knew it was wrong and then once I went to prison I had plenty of time to think wow this is wrong. I’ve seen people’s reactions and I’ve been to that point that I never really cared. I will say I didn’t care and I still don’t. I’m making millions again and what are those PETAs doing? I understand they care about their animals. They care about their health, which I don’t, their welfare, which I don’t, the protection of animals, protect them from me.]

Question: On what he plans to do off of the field and in the community to prove to the community that he is worth a second chance:

Michael Vick: “I think my actions will speak louder than my words. To be proactive and to be involved in the community, people will see that in due time. I’ve partnered up with the Humane Society and we’ve constantly been working hard to reach out to certain inner cities and certain communities to make sure that we attack the problem.”

[I think my actions will speak louder than my words. When the Eagles tell me be involved in the community, people will see that in due time. I’ve partnered up with the Humane Society, not because I needed to or I have any interest, but they are the only ones who would take my call.]

Question: On how he comes to terms with the fact that some people will never forgive him:

Michael Vick: “I understand. I would hope that they would [forgive me]. I committed an act that was cruel and it was unethical. It was inhumane, so I understand to a certain degree but our country is a country of second chances and I’ve paid my debt to society. I spent two years in prison, away from my fiancé [Kijafa], away from my mom and my family, away from my two kids and that was a humbling experience. I can’t explain how deeply hurt and how sorry I was once everything went down and I had to explain to my three kids what had happened, what had transpired, and it was because of daddy’s faults. That was the toughest thing. I asked them for a second chance to be a better father, to do the right things and to show them the way and how things are supposed to be done.”

[I would hope that they would forgive me, but they can lick my pit bulls. I committed an act and now I’m back in the NFL. I spent my two years in prison and I’m out and if Philadelphians or Americans cant forgive me, I’ll live with that pain. I cant explain how much I don’t care what the public thinks. Are they in the NFL? I had to explain to my three kids that people are jealous and my sentence was ridiculous. That was the toughest thing. I asked them for a second chance to be a better father, to that end, if America can’t forgive, I’ve never cared.]

Question: On whether he has spoken with QB Donovan McNabb:

Michael Vick: “I spoke to Donovan and we talked about how we were just going to work. We are going to go to work. We are going to watch as much film as we can and we’re just going to work out as much as we can and we’re going to pull each other a long. I’m along way away from playing, so he wanted to take time with me to get me to a point where I’m ready to play.”

[I spoke to Donovan and we talked about, you can read what we said next in celebrity transcripts]

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Plaxico Teases Grand Jury

Plaxico Burress testified today… He was truthful, he was honest, and he’s truly remorseful for costing himself millions… While the testimony is supposed to be secret, Googling Atlee Hammaker has obtained this partial transcript (which was encrypted into the second page of the style section of our New York Times)…
District Attorney: Did you carry an unregistered weapon into the Latin Quarter Night Club?
Plaxico Burress: No
District Attorney: Should I remind you of what contempt is?
Plaxico Burress: Remind me? You never told me…
District Attorney: You deny having a weapon inside the Latin Quarter Night Club the evening you suffered a gun shot wound?
Plaxico Burress: No, I don’t deny it.
District Attorney: You denied carrying an unregistered weapon into the club.
Plaxico Burress: Yeah.
District Attorney: If you didn’t carry a weapon into the club, how did you suffer a gunshot wound?
Plaxico Burress: The gun hidden in my pants shot me… Don’t you read TMZ?

Contributor: Platinum Smalls