Press Conference Theatre: Big Ben Confesses

On Wednesday, Andrea McNulty’s attorney proposed an exchange. If Ben Roethlisberger confesses, McNulty will renounce her civil action. No one expected this press conference…
Ben Roethlisberger: Last year, I raped Andrea McNulty. I know that this announcement will damage my reputation. I know that this will permanently alter perception of me. I know fans see me as a J Crew U Icon, Steel City Savior, and All American Boy. The truth is I have significant skeletons throughout my past. I want to thank NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell for ignoring these allegations, even though raping someone rivals dog fighting. I want to thank ESPN for protecting my reputation, even as other’s reputations are clearly expendable. I want to thank my coaches and teammates, who have praised me, even as I jeopardize another Super Bowl defense. And I want to thank all the women of Pittsburgh, who I have enjoyed in hot tubs and hotel rooms, on their back and on their knees. I will now answer questions.

Question: Have grown closer with any teammates as a result of this situation?
Ben Roethlisberger: Santonio Holmes and I have spent time together. He has assaulted a drunk, assaulted his baby mama, and been busted for marijuana. His insight into retaining fans, even though you may mimic Pacman Jones is invaluable.

Question: At the 2005 NFL Draft, Eli Manning and Phillip Rivers’ rookie hats went missing. Were you involved in this incident?
Ben Roethlisberger: Yes, I was. I have proven that I am superior to both Eli and Phillip and I was upset that Owners and General Managers wouldn’t recognize that then. The hats which they wore in the pictures were not their original hats. Those were given to Mel Kiper to protect his face from hair spray.
Question: During the 2003 season, fourteen Miami Redhawks players and their girlfriends separated. Were you involved with any of these separations?
Ben Roethlisberger: I was fourteen for fourteen. Three I stole at one fraternity party. Two were cheerleaders and cheerleaders date quarterbacks. The rest were with linebackers and defensive backs who had no chance at professional football. Would they rather be a linebacker’s wife or my baby mama?

Question: Was Coach Tomlin aware of your past and what has he said?
Ben Roethlisberger: Coach Tomlin was aware within twenty-four hours of this incident, as he is with every incident. Why didn’t he speak up? His choices at quarterback were Byron Leftwich and Dennis Dixon. His choices now are Charlie Batch and Dennis Dixon. Coach Tomlin and everyone know they are without me. I can’t save the city of Pittsburgh from the punch line of every joke. I can win them championships.

Question: How and why was ESPN silent?
Ben Roethlisberger: I’ve scored enough highlights off their air. Bonny Bernstein under the desk of NFL Live. Rachael Nichols on E: 60’s conference table. Michelle Tafoya on Tony Kornheiser’s bus. And I have the original Erin Andrews tape. The Easy and Slutty Polyamorous Network knew what was possible if they reported this story.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Press Conference Transcript: The Pitcher Has No Policy

On Thursday, Curt Schilling said, “Running would be fun…a run would be a lot of fun because pretty much anybody that you're fighting against in office right now doesn't really have much of a leg to stand on right now. There's nobody you can go up against that you couldn't probably drag out a laundry list of stuff and say, 'Listen, this person's already proven that they're status quo, that they're business as usual, and we need anything but in every way shape and form moving forward.”

Assessing Schilling’s announcement news conference, he should employ several policy advisors.
Curt Schilling: “It is the glory and the greatness of our tradition to speak for those who have no voice, to remember those who are forgotten, to respond to the frustrations and fulfill the aspirations of all Americans seeking a better life in a better land. Senator Edward Kennedy said those words and while I disagree with the rest of his convention speech, I agree that I could speak for those with no voice, those who are forgotten, those who aspire and are frustrated. Therefore, I am announcing an exploratory committee, as a precursor to my United States Senate candidacy. I am aware Massachusetts has had only thirteen Republican Senators. However, the Boston Red Sox had only twenty-three playoff victories in eighty-seven years before I arrived. With that, I will take your questions.

Assistant: When Curt calls on you, please state your name and affiliation.

Question: Foon Rhee, Boston Globe. Curt, Senator Kennedy’s signature issue was healthcare. Can you tell us how you will approach health care if elected?
Schilling: As a pitcher and professional athlete, I’ve dealt with several injuries. Everyone remembers the bloody sock, but I also had a tendon injury and several other minor ailments. Senator Kennedy was in two serious accidents, but sitting behind a desk, occasionally standing to speak does not inflict the stress that thirty-plus starts a year will. Given this experience, I feel I can speak with authority about healthcare.

Question: Mike Barnacle, MSNBC. What are your thoughts on the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act? Do you feel it has worked? Would you have voted for the legislation?
Schilling: No it has not and no I would not have. In twenty years, I pitched for five organizations, each of whom managed to sell out their stadiums on a consistent basis. Obviously, salaries are a significant aspect of baseball, salaries must be paid, and therefore owners must put fans in the seats. You cannot stimulate the economy until you must entice people to spend money in a similar fashion.

Question: Matt Margolis, HUB Politics. What is your environmental policy? How would you characterize yourself as an environmentalist?
Schilling: I would not. However, I understand the environment’s role in our economy. I had the privilege of pitching in Fenway Park, Yankee Stadium, and Wrigley Field. I know that if those fields weren’t well maintained, teams couldn’t play and revenue would have been lost. We will maintain those standards when I am elected.
Question: Carl Cameron, Fox News. In 2004 and 2008, you campaigned for President Bush and Senator McCain. Would you align yourself with them on tax policy also?
Schilling: Yeah. I talked about stimulating the economy and that won’t happen until people are spending money. People need money to afford tickets or video games or start a blog based business and the Senate must help get that money into their hands. I will propose another 3.8% tax cut, which I hope President Obama will sign.

Question: Jim VandeHei, Politico. You mentioned blog based businesses. You write a blog and utilize that blog within your business. How will you encourage more Americans to start small businesses and will blogs be included in your strategy?
Schilling: Jim, I feel technology is the greatest asset we have. In twenty years, we’ve transitioned from video tape to digital film, both of which I used to amass 3,116 strikeouts in my career. Technology will be a centerpiece of my initiative to help create more small businesses and I will talk about that at my blog, 38 pitches.

Question: Dana Bash, CNN. Senator Kennedy was instrumental in the passage of No Child Left Behind, which has endured its share of criticism. Can you talk about the legislation and if you would have voted for it?
Schilling: I wouldn’t have. Public education is important, but you don’t need a four year degree to succeed. I attended junior college, many of my teammates attended high school only, and our success far exceeded our education. I feel that education isn’t half as important as what is done with spare time, for instance, we need to increase the number of athletic programs. We need increase the number of writing programs, commensurate with blogs, children should learn at a younger age how to form opinions and put them on the internet. Education is not the Mendoza line it once was.
Question: David Freddoso, National Review. General Stanley McChrystal said the situation in Afghanistan is serious, but success is achievable and demands a revised implementation strategy, commitment and resolve, and increased unity of effort. Would you support additional troops?
Schilling: Yes I would. When you are in an impossible situation, similar to the 2004 ALCS, you do whatever you can to prevail. The Yankees had us down 3-0. We altered our approaches, both as hitters and pitchers, and we won. If General McChrystal feels more troops will win Afghanistan, we provide more troops. You can win without making a deadline deal, but your odds improve when you make one.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Press Conference Theatre: Taxi Cab Charity

On August 9, Patrick and Jason Kane clashed with a cab driver. Allegedly, the Chicago cornerstone and his cousin in crime hit the hack when he could not refund them another twenty cents.

On Monday, Patrick Kane staged this news conference.
Patrick Kane: Good morning. As many of you know, I am under investigation. While I regret these circumstances, I want to say change is important. If Chicagoans can win an election with it, Chicago’s Calder Trophy winner should receive it. I’ll take your questions.

Question: Should Chicago cabbies fear you?
Patrick Kane: Absolutely not.

Question: What if they mention your minus six versus Detroit?
Patrick Kane: I would point out that we allowed nineteen goals. Then, I would beat the crap out of them.

Question: Were your two points in the conference finals a motivating factor in the assault?
Patrick Kane: My motivation was an idiot cabbie. If conference finals performance caused crime, Duncan Keith would have killed someone.

Question: Michael Vick has partnered with the Humane Society. Do you plan any charitable activity?
Patrick Kane: Yes. I have donated $1 million to start the Kane Cab Foundation, which will encourage more American born, English speaking cabbies. Our motto will be “Speak like our forefathers, you won’t get clobbered”

Contributor: Platinum Smalls