Press Conference Theatre: Big Ben Confesses

On Wednesday, Andrea McNulty’s attorney proposed an exchange. If Ben Roethlisberger confesses, McNulty will renounce her civil action. No one expected this press conference…
Ben Roethlisberger: Last year, I raped Andrea McNulty. I know that this announcement will damage my reputation. I know that this will permanently alter perception of me. I know fans see me as a J Crew U Icon, Steel City Savior, and All American Boy. The truth is I have significant skeletons throughout my past. I want to thank NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell for ignoring these allegations, even though raping someone rivals dog fighting. I want to thank ESPN for protecting my reputation, even as other’s reputations are clearly expendable. I want to thank my coaches and teammates, who have praised me, even as I jeopardize another Super Bowl defense. And I want to thank all the women of Pittsburgh, who I have enjoyed in hot tubs and hotel rooms, on their back and on their knees. I will now answer questions.

Question: Have grown closer with any teammates as a result of this situation?
Ben Roethlisberger: Santonio Holmes and I have spent time together. He has assaulted a drunk, assaulted his baby mama, and been busted for marijuana. His insight into retaining fans, even though you may mimic Pacman Jones is invaluable.

Question: At the 2005 NFL Draft, Eli Manning and Phillip Rivers’ rookie hats went missing. Were you involved in this incident?
Ben Roethlisberger: Yes, I was. I have proven that I am superior to both Eli and Phillip and I was upset that Owners and General Managers wouldn’t recognize that then. The hats which they wore in the pictures were not their original hats. Those were given to Mel Kiper to protect his face from hair spray.
Question: During the 2003 season, fourteen Miami Redhawks players and their girlfriends separated. Were you involved with any of these separations?
Ben Roethlisberger: I was fourteen for fourteen. Three I stole at one fraternity party. Two were cheerleaders and cheerleaders date quarterbacks. The rest were with linebackers and defensive backs who had no chance at professional football. Would they rather be a linebacker’s wife or my baby mama?

Question: Was Coach Tomlin aware of your past and what has he said?
Ben Roethlisberger: Coach Tomlin was aware within twenty-four hours of this incident, as he is with every incident. Why didn’t he speak up? His choices at quarterback were Byron Leftwich and Dennis Dixon. His choices now are Charlie Batch and Dennis Dixon. Coach Tomlin and everyone know they are without me. I can’t save the city of Pittsburgh from the punch line of every joke. I can win them championships.

Question: How and why was ESPN silent?
Ben Roethlisberger: I’ve scored enough highlights off their air. Bonny Bernstein under the desk of NFL Live. Rachael Nichols on E: 60’s conference table. Michelle Tafoya on Tony Kornheiser’s bus. And I have the original Erin Andrews tape. The Easy and Slutty Polyamorous Network knew what was possible if they reported this story.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls