Keyes Sermon Inspires Fear of Cav

Alan Keyes has served as Alabama A&M University President, American Enterprise Institute Resident Scholar, Assistant Secretary of State for International Organizations, Citizens Against Government Waste President, and United Nations Ambassador. He has also been a Presidential and Senatorial candidate.

The ultra conservative’s most recent employment pursuit surprised us.
[Cleveland Cavaliers Headquarters: Cleveland, Ohio]

[Owner Dan Gilbert and Alan Keyes are seated inside Gilbert’s office]

Dan Gilbert: When you called, I was surprised.

Alan Keyes: Why were you surprised? When I consider the composition of this franchise, the athlete’s antics, mentality, and statements, all of which repulse me… Their bling bling decadence and perversion… This scenario screams for my employment.

Dan Gilbert: When I envision our team chaplain’s role…

Alan Keyes: When I envision my role, Lebron James will be my mission. Here is a man who could reflect God’s glory, praise his name and the magnificent gifts he allocated. Instead, he has commercialized God’s glory, shipping it to every Finish Line and Foot Locker in Brook Park and Independence. The King of Kings was a meek and modest role model. This “King” is a self-absorbed, self-centered, self-important exhibitionist who only seeks attention.
Dan Gilbert: He didn’t stage dive, but I see your point.

Alan Keyes: His blasphemy and gluttony are one issue, his hedonism is another. Lebon James has two young children and no wife. He could cloak himself in the sanctity of marriage, an institution which has been targeted for annihilation. Instead, he cavorts with the atheists, bisexuals, homosexuals, lesbians, and transgendered in a profligate parade.

Dan Gilbert: Cavort and profligate are not words you hear often.

Alan Keyes: Mr. Gilbert, I could consume afternoons, evenings, months, and years discussing the cosmetic aspects of this scenario, but we should discuss the perception.

Dan Gilbert: What perception is that?

Alan Keyes: Lebron James is the devil.

Dan Gilbert: Alright, thank you…

Alan Keyes: What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he's around? Nobody is going to be taken in if he has a long, red, pointy tail. He will look attractive and he will be nice and helpful and he will get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation and he will never do an evil thing...he will just bit by little bit lower standards where they are important.
Dan Gilbert: Did you just quote Broadcast News?

Alan Keyes: Why is that important? When I quote passages of scripture, no one objects. I will illustrate my point via any means necessary.

Dan Gilbert: And there you cribbed Malcolm X.

Alan Keyes: Mr. Gilbert, your money changing has provided you this franchise and a five star presidential penthouse in hell. You can’t repent, but your athletes can and I crave their salvation. Lebron’s immorality, we’ve discussed. Shaquille O’Neal produces misogynistic music about lascivious homosexual acts. And Delonte West epitomizes every marijuana infatuated, sexually impure teenager, seeking naive virgins in the Parma Town Mall. Mr. Gilbert, you cannot ignore the obvious. You own the Sodom and Gomorrah of franchises and you need me for hope and change.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls