Derrick Mason: Reality Is My Motivation

Derrick Mason has joined the Brett Favre Brigade (I quit… I’m back… I quit… I’m back)… He has chosen another season and millions over anonymity and mindlessly throwing passes to himself on Madden NFL 2010…

For those who haven’t watched ESPN, Mason’s statement and our translation are provided…
Mason: “It was a tough decision, but I think it was a good decision for me to come back. I needed to evaluate my life, football and my career. I still have an intense fire inside me, and I want to play. … I felt like I had left something undone, and I wanted to finish it. I believe this is a good example for my son and my daughter on how to be thoughtful and also follow through.”

(It was a tough decision, but I realized that I could make three million on the field or nothing on my couch. I needed to evaluate my life, football, and career and when I did, I recognized that football is my career and life and no one will remember me otherwise. I still have an intense fire inside me and I say that because it makes me sound committed and you could follow it with humming and it’s still the pull quote)

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

The Bizzaro Jerry

While this episode possessed two other memorable plotlines (can anyone forget man hands?), Elaine’s befriending, interaction with, and subsequent ouster from a quartet exactly the opposite of her usual counterparts is what is remembered. Cribbed from Superman, the episode’s minutiae is exquisite, including the Bizzaro statue in Kevin’s apartment… Jerry’s apartment includes a Superman statue…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Tim McGraw

Taylor Swift’s initial single is the perfect late summer evening selection. The song has also preoccupied McGraw’s listeners, more than Nelly ever could… Personally, when I hear, see, or think Tim McGraw, I think Taylor Swift…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Cavic’s Challenge: Record or Reefer

On Saturday, Milorad Cavic and Michael Phelps will swim the one hundred meter butterfly. On Friday, the pair discussed swimwear and their upcoming showdown. Googling Atlee Hammaker has obtained this partial transcript (which we translated by utilizing Rosetta Stone)…
Milorad Cavic: Will you admit defeat?
Michael Phelps: When I lose.
Milorad Cavic: You lost on Tuesday.
Michael Phelps: I lost to a suit.
Milorad Cavic: In February, you lost to a bong.
Michael Phelps: I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way.
Milorad Cavic: Similar to blaming a suit like a seven year old?
Michael Phelps: See you on Saturday.
Milorad Cavic: If you lose, I’ll buy you a new suit… If you win, I’ll buy you the weed of your choice.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Assessing the Criminal, Phony, & Selfish

“10 Most Disliked People in Sports,” an assemblage of the criminal, phony, and selfish, has been released by E-Poll and Forbes. Now, I could discuss the fallacy of surveys such as this. I could discuss that “disliked” is individual and regional. I could discuss that the majority of fans aren’t informed enough to participate in a drunken discussion, let alone a scientific survey (yes, I said it)… But, I cannot and would never sacrifice an opportunity to scorch those who warrant it...

1. Michael Vick: He may be the only the person in this nation phoning George W. Bush for popularity advice. Those speculating whether or not can he can rehabilitate his image should instead asses whether Citigroup can survive one week without awarding a bonus.

2. Manny Ramirez: While obscene attitude and steroids (not once, but twice) are ample justification for a top ten ranking, Ramirez should have been outranked by others in baseball…

3. Alex Rodriguez: A-Roid should have been a landslide number two. Cheating on the front page of the tabloids… Confessing steroids after denouncing them… John Edwards and his illegitimate child think he’s disingenuous.

4. Terrell Owens: His antics are insipid, but they don’t make me want to toss my television while his show is on it… Owens is the type of jerk you love when he’s performing… It’s when he’s not that life is difficult…
5. Kobe Bryant: If “10 Most Smug People in Sports” were published, Bryant would consume seven of the top ten sports (we have to set aside three for his ego)… His Most Valuable Puppet can’t even conduct an interview that doesn’t make me nauseous.

6. Allen Iverson: He has legal and music setbacks in his career, but arrogance has never been his overwhelming issue… The fact he can’t win is his overwhelming issue…

7. Isiah Thomas: If New Yorkers or women were the only people voting, Thomas would win in a walk. As for the national opinion, he has been banished into… what no one has heard of it college is he coaching at again?

8. Stephon Marbury: If New Yorkers were the only people voting, Marbury vs. Thomas would be closer than Bush vs. Gore (and I wouldn’t want to be one of the nine souls deciding the outcome). With his contract expired, he has as much of a chance of returning to the association, as he does attracting viewers to his moronic webcast.
9. Nick Saban: Is there a college football program, professional football organization, or citizen of this nation that he hasn’t offended? No one (with the exception of Alabama fans) didn’t enjoy watching Utah take his faux top five Tide out for a walk.

10. John McEnroe: I won’t risk carpel tunnel typing what an idiotic selection this was…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Sixteenth Avenue

If an internet anthem ever existed, Lacy J. Dalton’s gritty, hungry selection is it. Remember the Name or Welcome to the World are the gratuitous choices of today’s culture more obsessed with swagger than substance… Yet, Dalton’s closing verse is a perfect summation of creativity and entrepreneurs.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Manny, Ortiz Compare Quotes

According to the New York Times (all the noise that you’re forced to read), David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez tested positive for performance enhancing drugs in 2003. When the former teammates discussed these revelations, their conversation was contentious, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which I was e-mailed by someone identifying anonymous test samples)…
Manny Ramirez: We tested positive.
David Ortiz: Is this you being you?
Manny Ramirez: It’s on ESPN.
David Ortiz: It’s not like something that is happening right now…
Manny Ramirez: Are you as dumb as Tim McCarver? It’s on ESPN…
David Ortiz: I would suggest everybody get tested, not random, everybody. You go team by team.
Manny Ramirez: You were tested.
David Ortiz: In the past when it wasn't banned from the game
Manny Ramirez: I want no more [expletive] where they tell you one thing and behind your back they do another thing. I think I've earned that respect…
David Ortiz: All the drama, it doesn’t look good for the game.
Manny Ramirez: I don't want to be a problem and a distraction in such a critical moment of the season.
David Ortiz: I know that if I test positive by using any kind of substance, I know that I'm going to disrespect my family, the game, the fans and everybody, and I don't want to be facing that situation.
Manny Ramirez: Are you as dumb as Tim McCarver? You were tested positive.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Yada, Yada Your Enthusiasm

Jerry Seinfeld , Elaine Benes, George Costanza, Cosmo Kramer… It’s been eleven years since they were sitting in a jail cell (last on screen) together… Thankfully, Curb Your Enthusiasm Star, Seinfeld Co-Creator, and New York Jets Draft Consultant Larry David will reunite the cast in five episodes this summer…

No happy endings, hugs, or learning will occur… However, David-Seinfeld gems such as these are certain…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

Larry Dolan

The penny stingy, pound stupid owner of the Cleveland Indians. My intention was to publish Dolan’s wikpiedia page. However, his page has seen more edits in twenty-four hours than the franchise has seen playoff appearances under his ownership.

While I sadly can’t share all the venom, I can share one of my favorite lines ever… “Dolan suffered a recent heart attack when he bent down to pick up a roll of quarters, originally intended as a contract offer for Cliff Lee.”

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Gimme Three Steps

The theme music today is for the man erroneously considered to be the greatest basketball player of all time. His extreme esteem comes from the fact that this society is compelled to regard as absolutely peerless anybody who won championships in the last five minutes. Historical illiteracy also causes him to be considered immune to the laws of gravity, one who did not even need a cape to soar over the court like an immortal. But, as with all of the other myths about the man, this too was not the case, for his "swoop to the hoop" prowess came from a phenomenon as simple as the swallowed whistle. So in honor of Good Old Number 45 Michael Jordan, we send this one out to you…

Contributor: Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Plaxico Teases Grand Jury

Plaxico Burress testified today… He was truthful, he was honest, and he’s truly remorseful for costing himself millions… While the testimony is supposed to be secret, Googling Atlee Hammaker has obtained this partial transcript (which was encrypted into the second page of the style section of our New York Times)…
District Attorney: Did you carry an unregistered weapon into the Latin Quarter Night Club?
Plaxico Burress: No
District Attorney: Should I remind you of what contempt is?
Plaxico Burress: Remind me? You never told me…
District Attorney: You deny having a weapon inside the Latin Quarter Night Club the evening you suffered a gun shot wound?
Plaxico Burress: No, I don’t deny it.
District Attorney: You denied carrying an unregistered weapon into the club.
Plaxico Burress: Yeah.
District Attorney: If you didn’t carry a weapon into the club, how did you suffer a gunshot wound?
Plaxico Burress: The gun hidden in my pants shot me… Don’t you read TMZ?

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Mad Men Green Light Project Daly

John Daly has endured three divorces. He has visited rehab twice. He once claimed to have drank a fifth of Jack Daniels everyday and Butch Harmon quit as his coach, saying “the most important thing in John Daly’s life is getting drunk.”

Giving Daly a reality show is like greasing the train tracks, then setting up a lawn chair thirty feet away so you can witness the carnage… Unfortunately, the Golf Channel (in their infinite wisdom and inconsequential viewership) has awarded the British Open and PGA Champion with at least eight episodes. This after their thirteen-part series, “The Daly Planet” in 2006.

Can you imagine the pitch? We have this golfer, who has won only five tournaments, who hasn’t won a tournament in five years, and who has a history of making Paris Hilton look like the spokesperson for the National Abstinence Education Association, and we think people would watch this show.Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

Sean May

I’ll be perfectly honest (and sound stupid simultaneously)… I didn’t even know May and the Charlotte Bobcats had split… I didn’t know until reading this Yahoo Sports article, which hints (very strongly) that Larry Brown is attempting to reshape the entire roster…

Speaking of reshaping the roster… Today, the Bobcats replaced May with former Maryland and Tree Hill High School star Nathan Scott

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Mad Season

Listen to the lyrics and ask yourself… Should Brett Favre or Roy Halliday receive the dedication? Either way, both stories have knocked us down…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Favre's Finish: What About Me?

Brett Favre will remain retired (he may return, but not at this moment, but he could if circumstances were once again all about him)… According to Favre, this was the hardest decision he has ever made, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which was overheard by someone relaxing in their Wrangler jeans, after consuming a Prilosec OTC)…

Brett Favre: Brad?
Brad Childress: You ready for camp?
Brett Favre: I can’t do this… It’s not about me…
Brad Childress: Then why not?
Brett Favre: It’s not about me… You’re in the papers talking about Sage Rosenfels and Tarvaris Jackson… What about me?
Brad Childress: Brett, I’m confused… Weren’t you returning to win a championship?
Brett Favre: Yes, I was returning so I could win a championship…
Brad Childress: And you would have…
Brett Favre: Yes
Brad Childress: And you still can…
Brett Favre: No, I can’t… This is your franchise…
Brad Childress: What will you do?
Bret Favre: My one hundredth day with Prilosec OTC…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Tour... Snore... The Catfight Is On

It’s two days later… The yellow jersey hasn’t even been scoured for needle injections and the first and third place riders, teammates Alberto Contador and Lance Armstrong have already engaged in the professional sports equivalent of a schoolyard slap fight.

For those who don’t speak biker, I’ve provided this translation…
Contador: “My relationship with Lance Armstrong is zero. He's a great rider and he did a great Tour. Another thing is on a personal level, where I have never admired him and never will.”

(My relationship with Lance equals the number of tours he won without injections. Lance is a great injector, but he wouldn’t share his techniques. I have never admired him and never will)

Armstrong: “Hey pistolero, there is no 'I' in 'team'. what did I say in March? Lots to learn. Restated. Seeing these comments from AC [Alberto Contador]. If I were him I'd drop this drivel and start thanking his team. w/o them, he doesn't win. A champion is also measured on how much he respect his teammates and opponents.”

(There is no I in team, but let’s talk about that celebration. Shooting imaginary pistols? Real men celebrate by injecting a fake syringe. If I were him, I’d thank me. If I hadn’t competed, everyone would have focused on his doping. Instead, they are focused on mine. A champion is measured on how much he respects his teammates and opponents diverting attention from his own cheating)

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Blame It on the Suit

The incredible happened today… Michael Phelps losing is not what I’m referencing (if the bong don’t get you, the competition will)… What I’m referencing is his excuse… Phelps and his coach blame his German opponent’s suit on their loss… Phelps Coach went so far as to suggest he would pull his swimmer out of future international meets if similar suits (that erase opponents faster than wiener schnitzel) aren’t banished from competition…

Jamie Foxx, this is your next hit…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Consider today as if Robert De Niro were to meet Richard Simmons and they had a hideous love child. It's that kind of day that makes you want to fight, but in a really effeminate way. Think about it; the sluggishness of the weekend is wearing off but you still have four long days to go. There's no use hiding from today, but its still to far away to get excited about next weekend. Your best option is to step up and fight, bitch slap the day and maybe take one on the chin yourself. Just make sure you sing about it afterwards.

Contributor: The Dentist

Tush to Bush: You’re My Romo

According to US Weekly and Kim Kardashian’s reps (people who pretend to listen when she talks), Kim K and Reggie Bush have split. Their farewell was heartbreaking, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which I was e-mailed after someone stopped pretending)...
Kim: I’ve been thinking a lot…
Reggie: Are you alright?
Kim: Yes… Would you turn that television off, I can hear it over you.
Reggie: It’s chill… Ray-J’s on the screen…
Kim: Listen, I think we need to end it
Reggie: Why?
Kim: Only 1,550 yards and 20 touchdowns in three seasons
Reggie: You’re not one of those haters calling me a bust are you?
Kim: No… The truth is, I’m exhausted…
Reggie: You and Ray-J filming again?
Kim: I just got Kourtney and Khloe off to their own show… You know how hard that was?
Reggie: As hard as convincing everyone I wasn’t dating a porn star…
Kim: Baby, I’ll always love you… But its time for me to dump the overhyped baggage on my arm… Like Tony Romo…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Dating in the Dark Live Blog

And I’m Googling

2009

Walter Cronkite, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Kim Jong Il, Billy Mays, Ed McMahon, Steve McNair, and Robert McNamara… This has been a tragic three weeks… (Wait, Kim Jon-Il just looks dead)…

Saluting Our Boys

If there were inspiration for this website, Will Leitch (Deadspin) and Michael Shur (Fire Joe Morgan, Parks and Rec, The Office… Is there anything he hasn’t done?) would be the initial names mentioned. In that spirit, we present this hilarious internet “tribute” (which also describes the internet perfectly)…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Lady Gaga Takes A Journey

This may seem the most random pairing ever… Actually, this selection epitomizes our attitude and objective. It’s amusing and entertaining. It’s creative and mindless. It’s new and old. DJ Jimmy Stewart’s (who?) creation is our perfect first pitch.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls