The Two Brets

Brett Favre is an egotistical, self-important overvalued former cornerstone. Bret Hart is an egotistical, self-important overvalued former cornerstone. Two smugger athletes are non-existent, as evidenced by the pair’s recent conversation…
Brett Favre: Important weekend in Ohio. USC and Ohio State in Columbus. My Minnesota Vikings and the Cleveland Browns in Cleveland.
Bret Hart: I beat Shawn Michaels at Survivor Series in Cleveland.
Brett Favre: I am 2-2 against Cleveland.
Bret Hart: Cleveland and Dayton are 212 miles apart and I won my second King of the Ring in Dayton.
Brett Favre: I threw for 212 yards against the Lions in 1992.
Bret Hart: I was one of five Intercontinental Champions in 1992.
Brett Favre: I’ve thrown five touchdown passes against three different franchises.
Bret Hart: I’ve wrestled for three different organizations.
Brett Favre: My first three touchdown game was against the Lions.
Bret Hart: Danny Davis, Jim Neidhart, and I won a six man match in the Pontiac Silverdome, where the Lions played until 2001.
Brett Favre: I won six of my first nine games against the Lions.
Bret Hart: I was a six time Stampede Wrestling North American Champion.
Brett Favre: I threw six touchdowns against the Redskins last season.
Bret Hart: I won my sixth world championship in 1999.
Brett Favre: I threw 22 touchdown passes in 1999.
Bret Hart: I won the WCW United States Championship on July 20, 1999.
Brett Favre: I completed 20 passes against the Browns in 1992.
Bret Hart: I wrestled Davey Boy Smith in 1992 and 80,000 attended.
Brett Favre: I had four teammates named Smith with the Packers.
Bret Hart: I had four sisters, each married a professional wrestler.
Brett Favre: In my first game, I completed zero of four passes.
Bret Hart: I beat the Patriot at Ground Zero in Louisville.
Brett Favre: I beat the Patriots 34-31 last season.
Bret Hart: My daughter Jade was born on March 31, 1983.
Brett Favre: I completed 31 passes against the Dolphins in 1994
Bret Hart: I beat my brother at Summer Slam in 1994.
Brett Favre: Sumer Slam ‘94 was held in Chicago, where I first played two years earlier.
Bret Hart: I won my first WWF title in Saskatoon, which is 1,347 miles from Chicago.
Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Keyes Sermon Inspires Fear of Cav

Alan Keyes has served as Alabama A&M University President, American Enterprise Institute Resident Scholar, Assistant Secretary of State for International Organizations, Citizens Against Government Waste President, and United Nations Ambassador. He has also been a Presidential and Senatorial candidate.

The ultra conservative’s most recent employment pursuit surprised us.
[Cleveland Cavaliers Headquarters: Cleveland, Ohio]

[Owner Dan Gilbert and Alan Keyes are seated inside Gilbert’s office]

Dan Gilbert: When you called, I was surprised.

Alan Keyes: Why were you surprised? When I consider the composition of this franchise, the athlete’s antics, mentality, and statements, all of which repulse me… Their bling bling decadence and perversion… This scenario screams for my employment.

Dan Gilbert: When I envision our team chaplain’s role…

Alan Keyes: When I envision my role, Lebron James will be my mission. Here is a man who could reflect God’s glory, praise his name and the magnificent gifts he allocated. Instead, he has commercialized God’s glory, shipping it to every Finish Line and Foot Locker in Brook Park and Independence. The King of Kings was a meek and modest role model. This “King” is a self-absorbed, self-centered, self-important exhibitionist who only seeks attention.
Dan Gilbert: He didn’t stage dive, but I see your point.

Alan Keyes: His blasphemy and gluttony are one issue, his hedonism is another. Lebon James has two young children and no wife. He could cloak himself in the sanctity of marriage, an institution which has been targeted for annihilation. Instead, he cavorts with the atheists, bisexuals, homosexuals, lesbians, and transgendered in a profligate parade.

Dan Gilbert: Cavort and profligate are not words you hear often.

Alan Keyes: Mr. Gilbert, I could consume afternoons, evenings, months, and years discussing the cosmetic aspects of this scenario, but we should discuss the perception.

Dan Gilbert: What perception is that?

Alan Keyes: Lebron James is the devil.

Dan Gilbert: Alright, thank you…

Alan Keyes: What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he's around? Nobody is going to be taken in if he has a long, red, pointy tail. He will look attractive and he will be nice and helpful and he will get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation and he will never do an evil thing...he will just bit by little bit lower standards where they are important.
Dan Gilbert: Did you just quote Broadcast News?

Alan Keyes: Why is that important? When I quote passages of scripture, no one objects. I will illustrate my point via any means necessary.

Dan Gilbert: And there you cribbed Malcolm X.

Alan Keyes: Mr. Gilbert, your money changing has provided you this franchise and a five star presidential penthouse in hell. You can’t repent, but your athletes can and I crave their salvation. Lebron’s immorality, we’ve discussed. Shaquille O’Neal produces misogynistic music about lascivious homosexual acts. And Delonte West epitomizes every marijuana infatuated, sexually impure teenager, seeking naive virgins in the Parma Town Mall. Mr. Gilbert, you cannot ignore the obvious. You own the Sodom and Gomorrah of franchises and you need me for hope and change.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Vikings vs. Browns

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Stars & Hype

Today’s Entrance Music

Remember The Name

With Googling Atlee Hammaker’s surround sound spectacle imminent, Fort Minor’s aggressive epic is our anthem. Tonight will be ten percent luck, twenty percent skill, fifteen percent concentrated power of will, five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain and tomorrow you’ll have a hundred percent reason to remember our name.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Chad Ocho Cinco’s Child Please Commentaries

Chad Johnson: Seven days since you’ve heard the platinum voice of the platinum playmaker, the voice of authority, the voice of reason, the voice of Ocho Cinco. Two days until I present a twitter surprise to the NFL. What’s the surprise? The NFL knows… They know what they get when I touch the field every Sunday. They get an icon whose celebrations are incomparable. They get an ATM machine, when they fine me. They get a role model, who works hard, does it all right, who shows the kids that if act like a star, they will be a star. And they get their very own version of Sixty Minutes, All Things Considered, Dateline, and Primetime… The Child Please commentaries…
CP Commentary One: You know President Obama love his haters, like Ocho Cinco love my hates, but Wednesday night, President Obama’s haters hated during his speech. President Obama says no illegal immigrants get health care, Ocho Cinco all good with that, but Congressman Joe Wilson, he yells out YOU LIE in the speech. Congressman Joe Wilson? CHILD PLEASE. I did a quick google search, between google searches of myself, and I see Congressman No One Knows and yellow cake. That’s the last thing Ocho Cinco need, some no one knows cracka ass cracka yellin things at our President. You yellin in the middle of the speech is like Champ Bailey trash talking me on Sunday. When I the score the six, it’s him that lie. When President Obama pass healthcare, it’s Joe No that lie.

CP Commentary Two: Brett Favre, Bret Favre, Bret Favre, Bret Favre… Ocho Cinco over Brett Favre, but now he say he may not play the whole year. CHILD PLEASE. Ocho Cinco may not either. Ocho Cinco plan to relax, get it all ready, sit out weeks fifteen, sixteen, and seventeen after Carson and I clinch the division title. It’s just like Ocho Cinco’s new favorite song… We see Miami, Brett

CP Commentary Three: According to ESPN, Brandon Marshall may sign an extension. First, Denver fires they coach. Then, they hire a teenager. Then, they trade the quarterback. Now, they hate, love, hate, love, hate, love they problem child and they match Chump Barely against the Platinum Playmaker. Denver, as an organization, they not even an organization anymore, they a University of Colorado future female kicker training academy… Denver, get a big CHILD PLEASE.

Chad Johnson: Until next time, this is Eighty-five, aka Ocho Cinco, aka the Black Mexican saying in Chad You Must Trust… Twitter Surprise!

Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Stars & Hype

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Stars & Hype

Today’s Entrance Music

The Jim Tressel Song

He has amassed an 84-19 record. He has garnered five conference championships. He has scored one national championship. Why is his head this selection’s subject?

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Larry Dolan’s Objective: Burn It Down

Since Googling Atlee Hammaker’s inception, the Cleveland Indians have been mocked and ridiculed. Rick Morris and I knew our opinion was reviled. We never expected an extreme response.
[Progressive Field: Cleveland, Ohio]

[Owner Larry Dolan and Giordano Family Soldier Vince Domnotro are seated inside Dolan’s office]

Larry Dolan: No one saw you?

Vince Domnotro: Nope.

Larry Dolan: Concourse? Elevator? Parking Lot?

Vince Domnotro: No one saw me.

Larry Dolan: I almost canceled this meeting because of the home game.

Vince Domnotro: Why not?

Larry Dolan: I remembered churches mock our attendance.
Vince Domnotro: This is a nice office.

Larry Dolan: Thank you.

Vince Domnotro: You do your secretary on this desk?

Larry Dolan: No.

Vince Domnotro: What about that PR girl with the great ass?

Larry Dolan: Pay attention.

Vince Domnotro: What’s up?

Larry Dolan: Rick Morris.

Vince Domnotro: Who’s that?
Larry Dolan: He called me penny stingy and pound stupid. He ridiculed our employees. He insulted Mark Shapiro.

Vince Domnotro: Penny stingy and pound stupid…Doesn’t sound that far off…

Larry Dolan: Keep that sense of humor. You’ll need it when I tell Carmine and your ashes our fertilizing our spring training facility.

Vince Domnotro: So you want to get this Shapiro?

Larry Dolan: Morris. Rick Morris.

Vince Domnotro: Morris… You want him offed?
Larry Dolan: I would never condone murder… until Carmine lowers his asking price.

Vince Domnotro: What then?

Larry Dolan: Send him a message.

Vince Domnotro: Burn down his house?

Larry Dolan: That should shut him up.

Vince Domnotro: Consider it done.

Larry Dolan: If you get caught…

Vince Domnotro: Relax. By tomorrow morning, Shapiro is homeless.

Larry Dolan: Rick Morris.

Vince Domnotro: Consider it done.

[Seven hours later – Dolan is awakened by the phone – Shapiro is hysterical]
Larry Dolan: Hello?

Mark Shapiro: Larry, someone burned down my house.

Larry Dolan: What?

Mark Shapiro: Someone burned down my house. The neighbors saw someone running away screaming Suck That Rick Morris.

Larry Dolan: Damn it.

Mark Shapiro: What?

Larry Dolan: Platinum Smalls was right. You get what you pay for.
Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Vikings vs. Browns

And I’m Googling

Michigan vs. Notre Dame

Despite this series sacred status, the Fighting Irish and Wolverines have only staged thirty-six contests. Michigan won the initial eight and they own the advantage (20-15-1). The series initial cancellation covered 1910-1941. The series second cancellation covered 1944-1977.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Stars & Hype

Today’s Entrance Music

Fight On

In 1922, Dental Student Milo Sweet and Glen Grant won a student spirit contest with this composition. In 1942 and 1943, Aleutians Campaign soldiers utilized the Trojan theme.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Press Conference Theatre: Big Ben Confesses

On Wednesday, Andrea McNulty’s attorney proposed an exchange. If Ben Roethlisberger confesses, McNulty will renounce her civil action. No one expected this press conference…
Ben Roethlisberger: Last year, I raped Andrea McNulty. I know that this announcement will damage my reputation. I know that this will permanently alter perception of me. I know fans see me as a J Crew U Icon, Steel City Savior, and All American Boy. The truth is I have significant skeletons throughout my past. I want to thank NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell for ignoring these allegations, even though raping someone rivals dog fighting. I want to thank ESPN for protecting my reputation, even as other’s reputations are clearly expendable. I want to thank my coaches and teammates, who have praised me, even as I jeopardize another Super Bowl defense. And I want to thank all the women of Pittsburgh, who I have enjoyed in hot tubs and hotel rooms, on their back and on their knees. I will now answer questions.

Question: Have grown closer with any teammates as a result of this situation?
Ben Roethlisberger: Santonio Holmes and I have spent time together. He has assaulted a drunk, assaulted his baby mama, and been busted for marijuana. His insight into retaining fans, even though you may mimic Pacman Jones is invaluable.

Question: At the 2005 NFL Draft, Eli Manning and Phillip Rivers’ rookie hats went missing. Were you involved in this incident?
Ben Roethlisberger: Yes, I was. I have proven that I am superior to both Eli and Phillip and I was upset that Owners and General Managers wouldn’t recognize that then. The hats which they wore in the pictures were not their original hats. Those were given to Mel Kiper to protect his face from hair spray.
Question: During the 2003 season, fourteen Miami Redhawks players and their girlfriends separated. Were you involved with any of these separations?
Ben Roethlisberger: I was fourteen for fourteen. Three I stole at one fraternity party. Two were cheerleaders and cheerleaders date quarterbacks. The rest were with linebackers and defensive backs who had no chance at professional football. Would they rather be a linebacker’s wife or my baby mama?

Question: Was Coach Tomlin aware of your past and what has he said?
Ben Roethlisberger: Coach Tomlin was aware within twenty-four hours of this incident, as he is with every incident. Why didn’t he speak up? His choices at quarterback were Byron Leftwich and Dennis Dixon. His choices now are Charlie Batch and Dennis Dixon. Coach Tomlin and everyone know they are without me. I can’t save the city of Pittsburgh from the punch line of every joke. I can win them championships.

Question: How and why was ESPN silent?
Ben Roethlisberger: I’ve scored enough highlights off their air. Bonny Bernstein under the desk of NFL Live. Rachael Nichols on E: 60’s conference table. Michelle Tafoya on Tony Kornheiser’s bus. And I have the original Erin Andrews tape. The Easy and Slutty Polyamorous Network knew what was possible if they reported this story.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Their Causes Differ, Their Hopes Diverge & Their Dreams Couldn’t Be More Dissimilar

As the New York Jets premiere supporter, Ira Lieberfarb is opinionated and passionate. While fans comprehend his enthusiasm, pompous provincialists abhor it.

During a recent interaction, this was obvious.
[Chase Bank: Queens, New York]

[Ira Lieberfarb and Colin Flynn are each completing deposit slips, when Lieberfarb observes a button Flynn is wearing]

Ira Lieberfarb: Edward M. Kennedy…

Colin Flynn: He gave me this button in 1962. Now that Teddy’s passed, I think national healthcare may be impossible.

Ira Lieberfarb: I know how you feel.

Colin Flynn: You’re a liberal?

Ira Lieberfarb: No… I mean the hopelessness. I felt that when Broadway Joe opened Bachelor’s Three.
Colin Flynn: Are you comparing the uninsured’s suffering to somewhere I used to drink?

Ira Lieberfarb: Are you ignoring our suffering? We made the AFL and since he opened that bar, we’ve never won again. The Pittsburgh Steelers, with their disgusting fans and players, have won six and we haven’t won any.

Colin Flynn: America has one hundred and fifty uninsured people per physician. If the millionaires who built your stadium would wake up, we could solve that problem.

Ira Lieberfarb: The Meadowlands seats 2,265 people for every year since our Super Bowl appearance. If the millionaires who sit in Congress would regulate the NFL, we could solve that problem.

Colin Flynn: Ted Kennedy’s cause was healthcare and you’re using it as a punch line.

Ira Lieberfarb: The New York Jets are my cause and Fireman Ed uses me as a punch line.
Colin Flynn: America’s uninsured exceeds our sixty-five and over population, our African-American population, and our Hispanic population. Can you equate football with that?

Ira Lieberfarb: Since we won a conference championship, the Boston Red Sox have won the World Series twice. Can you understand that pain?

Colin Flynn: The uninsured exceeds Iraq’s population. The Jets could have chosen a quarterback. Instead, you picked Richard Todd, Ken O’Brien, Chad Pennington, and Browning Nagle.

Ira Lieberfarb: Senator Kennedy opposed Iraq and he could have had healthcare…

Colin Flynn: How?

Ira Lieberfarb: Richard Nixon.

Colin Flynn: Senator Kennedy succeeded without him. The State Children’s Health Insurance Plan has benefited thousands.

Ira Lieberfarb: If one of those children grows up as a Patriots or Steelers fan, how does that benefit anyone?
Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents USC vs. Ohio State

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Stars & Hype

Today’s Entrance Music

The Buckeye Battle Cry

In 1919, Vaudeville Composer Frank Crumit won a contest with this composition. His chorus concluded Come On Ohio. Fans’ chorus concludes O-H-I-O.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Barker, Baskett, & Twitter: Elton John Couldn’t Write This

As Bob Barker hosted Monday Night Raw, speculation sizzled he had passed away. While this rumor was ridiculous, the obvious was again apparent. Tweeters are unfamiliar with restraint or verification.

I’ll bet this rumor resurfaces around Christmas Day, as Hank and Kendra Baskett welcome their initial child.

Hank wears his jersey like a crown,
He calls his fetus Hank,
‘Cause he likes the name,
And he’ll send him to any school he can afford.

Hank, Hank likes his wife’s money,
Kendra makes a lot they say,
Hank himself is penniless,
Philadelphia released him today.
He’ll be born to a bunny and scrub on a Christmas Day,
When twitter will say Barker’s dead again,
And the Cavs have won,
Hank Baskett has a son today.

And he shall be Baskett,
He’ll think L.T.’s the man,
And he shall be Baskett,
Like his mama the Chargers fan,
And he shall be Baskett,
He’ll think L.T.’s the man,
He shall be Baskett.
Kendra sells old Playboy mags in town,
Her solo business thrives,
Hank sells autographs on the net,
And watches as no one will buy.

And Kendra, she wants to go to Hefner
And leave Hank far behind,
Take her son and shoot a new cover
While Hank, Hank slowly dies.
He’ll be born to a bunny and scrub on a Christmas Day,
When twitter will say Barker’s dead again,
And the Cavs have won,
Hank Baskett has a son today.

And he shall be Baskett,
He’ll think L.T.’s the man,
And he shall be Baskett,
Like his mama the Chargers fan,
And he shall be Baskett,
He’ll think L.T.’s the man,
He shall be Baskett.

Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Vikings vs. Browns

And I’m Googling

The Ohio State University

In it’s one hundred and thirty-ninth year, Ohio State educates 52,568. They employ 24,979. They have won 61 national championships. “The” was entrenched into their moniker in 1878.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Stars & Hype

Today’s Entrance Music

Breaking Point

I love this clip. It embodies the angst of the American consumer directed towards the evil insurance giants. Plus, it makes me want to grow a beard.

Contributor: The Dentist

Pryor, Vick Share Black Eye Interest

On Saturday, Terrelle Pryor’s eye black was inscribed “Vick.” While the quarterbacks are similar, Pryor’s adoration is non-athletic, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which someone e-mailed us after walking their dog)…
Terrelle Pryor: Thanks for texting me.
Michael Vick: Thanks for the support.
Terrelle Pryor: You saw the eye black message?
Michael Vick: Heard people loved it as much as Philadelphia loves me.
Terrelle Pryor: Did you watch the game?
Michael Vick: No, we had practice. Snatching Donovan’s spot is tough.
Terrelle Pryor: You’ll snatch it. I’ve watched you since I was ten.
Michael Vick: With the Falcons or Virginia Tech?
Terelle Pryor: I’ve watched your dogs.
Michael Vick: You knew Bad Newz?
Terrelle Pryor: My boys and I, we bet on the fights.
Michael Vick: What was your favorite?
Terrelle Pryor: Hokie and Hurricane at Canine of the Ring. Hurricane’s leg was so bloody, I thought they’d chop it off.
Michael Vick: Who was your favorite dog?
Terrelle Pryor: Seminole. The way he dodged…Reminded me of you in that Vikings game.
Michael Vick: Seminole was sweet.
Terrelle Pryor: Was he the best?
Michael Vick: Him or Terrapin. She could fight for a bitch. She’d sucker the other dog. She was a con artist.
Terrelle Pryor: Like you with Commissioner Goodell?
Michael Vick: Sometimes you gotta dance for those judging white suits.
Terrelle Pryor: I know that.
Michael Vick: I know you do. Say hello to Coach Tressel for me.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Lights Out: Tequila’s Television Inspires Merriman Scene

On Sunday, Shawne Merriman was charged with battery and false imprisonment. On Monday, Tila Tequila’s 911 call transcript was released. 911 Operator: San Diego County 911.

Tila Tequila: This is Tila Tequila. You’ve probably heard of me. My boyfriend has gone crazy.

911 Operator: Mam, I’ve never heard of you. What is your emergency?

Tila Tequila: I’ve had two reality shows. A Shot at Love and A Shot at Love Two. I did a book.

911 Operator: Honestly mam, I’ve never heard of you. What is your emergency?

Shawne Merriman: You and that ho used a banana?!

Tila Tequila: My boyfriend saw the deleted scenes.

911 Operator: Where is your boyfriend now?

Tila Tequila: That’s him in the background. He’s been screaming and breaking things. He won’t let me leave.

Shawn Merriman: Four of you? With a sex swing and play doh?!
Tila Tequila: Can you help me?

911 Operator: What did you do with the play doh?

Tila Tequila: Should that matter? He tried to choke me. He threw me to the ground!

911 Operator: Did he throw you from a sex swing?

Shawne Merriman: You jerked him off with a Tickle Me Elmo?
Tila Tequila: Please help me! He’s throwing Patron bottles.

911 Operator: Has he been drinking?

Tila Tequila: We were at a nightclub.

911 Operator: Were you both drinking?

Tila Tequila: I’m not drunk! I gave him a lap dance.

Shawne Merriman: Cheerleading uniforms, handcuffs, and fruit and yogurt parfaits? I can’t believe we’re acquaintances!
Tila Tequila: Oh my god! I think he just broke a mirror.

911 Operator: Mam, the police are on their way.

Tila Tequila: Thank you so much.

911 Operator: Are you alright until they arrive?

Tila Tequila: Not if he sees the Easter Eggs.

911 Operator: How were they used?
Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents USC vs. Ohio State

Googling Atlee Hammaker Presents Stars & Hype

Today’s Entrance Music

Boyfriend

Ashlee Simpson-Wentz’s punky love triangle jam portrays an awkward period which she will not name. Was she prophesying Melrose Place?

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Tad & Will: Swill & Swallower

INDIANS PUBLIC RELATIONS FLACK TAD DISINGENUOUS: Thanks for another season of great ink, Will, hoping to see a little more as we move down the stretch.

ESPN BASEBALL WRITER WILL FULLY-OBTUSE: Oh, anything for you, Tad, you know I think that your front office is revolutionizing the very process of building a baseball franchise from the ground up.

TAD: Why, yes, that’s exactly what we’re doing, how bold, perceptive and refreshing that you recognize it so clearly!

WILL: And as always, I appreciate your kind personal comments, Tad.

TAD: Well, we’d appreciate any help you could give in knocking down these vicious rumors that we have been anything short of an absolute organizational juggernaut this year. We know you and other like-minded people in the national media have that kind of stroke; after all, we were actually at the same Vegas odds for winning the World Series as the Phillies on Opening Day!
WILL: I’d love to, I really would, because I fully believe that … but I may have to be a bit careful in how I do that. I’m still taking a bit of heat about the last column I wrote about you: “Forget wins and losses, Shapiro and Company dominated the decade.”

TAD: Careful? Careful’s not going to get these uppity, think-for-themselves peon fans back on our side, pal. We need something at least as strong as your previous effort: “Why wait? Enshrine Mark Shapiro and his whole crew in Cooperstown right now!”

WILL: Well, no offense Tad, but it might take something stronger than another fools-gold surge back to the vicinity of .500 to get permission for that from my editor.

TAD: What? You know what, never mind, I’ll just take this request to Diatribe. Paul Cousineau once gave a favorable writeup to a Chris Antonetti bowel movement – which, in retrospect, probably prepared him well for his praise of the David Dellucci signing.

WILL: No! Don’t do that! I’ll write anything you want! The sell-by date for Carlos Carrasco wasn’t last Thanksgiving! David Huff is the next Tom Glavine! You got [GULP] the best prospects from the Red Sox in the Victor Martinez deal!

TAD: Now, see, was that really so hard?

WILL: After everything I’ve bought so far, no, not really.

Contributor: Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

And I’m Googling

Bianca Solorzano

For CBS News, she has been a reporter since 2006.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Ants Marching

Dave Matthews’ multihued selection intermixes insightful metaphors, saucy saxophone, and vibrant violin. Yesterday, ESPN introduced commercials with the song.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls