Chad Ocho Cinco’s Child Please Commentaries

Chad Johnson: Ocho Cinco fixed and planted the Lambeau Leap? Why my haters not respect creativity? Why they call me a fraud? I said I would leap and I leaped. I didn’t say w here I would leap. I didn’t say how I would leap. I didn’t say into who I would leap. I said I would leap and I was more than the voice of authority, the voice of reason, I am the platinum playmaker turned platinum celebrator and this is a victorious Child Please commentaries…
CP Commentary One: Milton Bradley accepted his suspension. Accepted his suspension? CHILD PLEASE. You think Chris Henry said Commissioner Goodell, eight games is excessive, I only want four. You think Ocho Cinco name his fines? Not fifteen thousand, ten thousand. I danced that’s only worth five thousand. Milton Bradley hit less home runs than Ramon Hernandez and played on more teams than Tank Johnson. He should volunteer for that suspension.
CP Commentary Two: According to Michael Ventre, Jet fan has been wearing the same twelve jersey since the sixth grade. Before Jet fan say anything and you know they still screamin four letters that ain’t the team name, they should admit that they not the king of no hill, they not the top of no help, they and their city should just stay asleep. Jet fan get a big CHILD PLEASE.
CP Commentary Three: President Obama plans another cash program. People can swap they old appliances like they cars. CHILD PLEASE. America need a Cash for Chad program. Trade Chad Johnson jerseys for cash and buy a brand new Ocho Cinco jersey. Stores sell more jerseys, they hire more people, people have more money, and they spend that money to watch Ocho Cinco play.
CP Commentary Four: Lloyd’s of London made Mark McGwire take andro. Who Lloyd’s of London? Did Jim Carrey remake that movie? Did Ari’s assistant relocate? And how they tell an athlete take drugs? McGwire couldn’t say no? He couldn’t scream this will ruin my career? CHILD PLEASE. What next? Barry Bonds say he had to take steroids?
Chad Johnson: Until next time, this is Eighty-five, aka Ocho Cinco, aka the Black Mexican saying in Chad You Must Trust… I pay my fines and I don’t use no juice!

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Chad Ocho Cinco’s Child Please Commentaries

Chad Johnson: Twenty-eight seconds? Ocho Cinco can’t execute a celebration in twenty-eight seconds. Ocho Cinco can’t promote my you stream show in twenty-eight seconds. But, we can give away a win n twenty-eight seconds. Why wasn’t I at defensive back? I would have intercepted the ball. I would have squelched, yeah I said that word, squelched Brandon Slower than me, aka Louisiana Whitening… I told Coach Coyle, I am more than the voice of authority, the voice of reason, I am the platinum playmaker and if I would have been permitted to make a play, this would be a victorious Child Please commentaries...
CP Commentary One: Someone as unaware as Coach Coyle was Kanye West, who snatched the VMA stage Sunday and told Taylor Swift Single Ladies should have won. Single Ladies? CHILD PLEASE. Carson Palmer listen to You Belong With Me and Love Story before every practice. Kanye snatched the stage not to make a point, not to right a wrong, because Kanye must always have the spotlight on Kanye… Ocho Cinco hates those that all about themselves.
CP Commentary Two: Speaking of the Video Music Awards, my man Platinum Smalls said Lady Gaga performed live from the Phantom of the Opera House of Crack. CHILD PLEASE. Chris Henry lived at the Phantom of the Opera House of Crack and there weren’t candles and dancers and white pianos and women hanging from the ceiling… Michael Irvin, Marshawn Lynch, and Amy Winehouse were always around…
CP Commentary Three: Saturday night, Floyd Money Mayweather returns to the ring. Now, Ocho Cinco know that Juan Manuel Marquez is a fellow Mexican and undefeated, but CHILD PLEASE, the man drink his own pee. Money is humble, just like the platinum playmaker and I would say he would win. But, he need to win and embarrass Juan, before urine be swallowed, not tested.
Chad Johnson: Until next time, this is Eighty-five, aka Ocho Cinco, aka the Black Mexican saying in Chad You Must Trust… Don’t drink your pee!

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Chad Ocho Cinco’s Child Please Commentaries

Chad Johnson: Seven days since you’ve heard the platinum voice of the platinum playmaker, the voice of authority, the voice of reason, the voice of Ocho Cinco. Two days until I present a twitter surprise to the NFL. What’s the surprise? The NFL knows… They know what they get when I touch the field every Sunday. They get an icon whose celebrations are incomparable. They get an ATM machine, when they fine me. They get a role model, who works hard, does it all right, who shows the kids that if act like a star, they will be a star. And they get their very own version of Sixty Minutes, All Things Considered, Dateline, and Primetime… The Child Please commentaries…
CP Commentary One: You know President Obama love his haters, like Ocho Cinco love my hates, but Wednesday night, President Obama’s haters hated during his speech. President Obama says no illegal immigrants get health care, Ocho Cinco all good with that, but Congressman Joe Wilson, he yells out YOU LIE in the speech. Congressman Joe Wilson? CHILD PLEASE. I did a quick google search, between google searches of myself, and I see Congressman No One Knows and yellow cake. That’s the last thing Ocho Cinco need, some no one knows cracka ass cracka yellin things at our President. You yellin in the middle of the speech is like Champ Bailey trash talking me on Sunday. When I the score the six, it’s him that lie. When President Obama pass healthcare, it’s Joe No that lie.

CP Commentary Two: Brett Favre, Bret Favre, Bret Favre, Bret Favre… Ocho Cinco over Brett Favre, but now he say he may not play the whole year. CHILD PLEASE. Ocho Cinco may not either. Ocho Cinco plan to relax, get it all ready, sit out weeks fifteen, sixteen, and seventeen after Carson and I clinch the division title. It’s just like Ocho Cinco’s new favorite song… We see Miami, Brett

CP Commentary Three: According to ESPN, Brandon Marshall may sign an extension. First, Denver fires they coach. Then, they hire a teenager. Then, they trade the quarterback. Now, they hate, love, hate, love, hate, love they problem child and they match Chump Barely against the Platinum Playmaker. Denver, as an organization, they not even an organization anymore, they a University of Colorado future female kicker training academy… Denver, get a big CHILD PLEASE.

Chad Johnson: Until next time, this is Eighty-five, aka Ocho Cinco, aka the Black Mexican saying in Chad You Must Trust… Twitter Surprise!

Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Chad Ocho Cinco’s Child Please Commentaries

Chad Johnson: Seven days I’ve been gone… Seven days you’ve been without the foremost voice on this website, the voice of authority, the voice of reason, the voice of Ocho Cinco… I don’t know how this website exists without me… I asked my man, Platinum Smalls, Small Platinum… I say Small Platinum; you got to hear me seven days a week… The people need Ocho Cinco seven days a week… They need the Child Please commentaries… How else they be as smart as me?
CP Commentary One: The Oregon Ducks suspended LeGarrette Blount this afternoon, less than twenty-four hours after he sucker punched someone… CHILD PLEASE. I don’t know what’s more embarrassing… Acting like a defensive back that Ocho just beat, losing to Boise State on their cool aid colored turf, or attending that university that Ocho spent college embarrassing… An Oregon player smacks someone around? I’m shocked an Oregon player is smart enough to lace his shoes.
CP Commentary Two: White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said criticism of President Obama’s education speech was silly season… Gibbs want to talk silly? CHILD PLEASE. Isn’t no one who look like the pudgy kid you ignored at recess, whose job is secretary, should say anything to anyone with the word silly in it. And why President Obama giving an education speech? President Obama is a great man, but if you want kids to learn, stay in school, work hard, Ocho Cinco your speech man.
CP Commentary Three: Another White House story… Green Jobs Czar… CHILD PLEASE… What is a green jobs czar? How you calling anyone an asshole when your job has a color in it? You see colors in any other jobs? Gardeners got no colors… Waiters got no colors… How you calling anyone an asshole when your job is czar? Chris Henry doesn’t know what a czar is… You can’t call no one an asshole til you explain what you do and why you needed.
CP Commentary Four: Curt Schilling said his chances of running for senate are slim to none… Senator Curt Schilling? America need Senator Ocho Cinco… I’ll negotiate healthcare. I’ll stimulate the economy... My fines have stimulated the NFL… What Curt Schilling bring to the Senate? Will he blog while he voting? Will he debate wearing bloody socks? Curt Schilling is talk, talk, talk, talk and CHILD PLEASE… America need results… I get them those results…
Chad Johnson: Until next time, this is Eighty-five, aka Ocho Cinco, aka the Black Mexican saying in Chad You Must Trust… Go Beavers!

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Chad Ocho Cinco’s Child Please Commentaries

Chad Johnson: I’m dominating Twitter. I’m dominating U Stream. And now, since America needs a voice of reason, the voice of Ocho Cinco, I’ve decided to impart my wisdom through Child Please commentaries. I know all y’all watching every week and no one misses Hard Knocks and I shouldn’t have to explain this to you, but for those who cant flip their channel past T.O. and his friends Drama and Mama, child please is a nice way of telling someone that they mindless if they think Champ Bailey can cover the Black Mexican… Champ cover me? Child Please.”
CP Commentary One: Senator Ted Kennedy died this week and Republicans screaming that his death will be used… Used? CHILD PLEASE. Death won’t inspire healthcare… Isn’t the whole point of healthcare to prevent death? President Obama gets healthcare when he writes a bill and gets Ocho Cinco to explain that when you get sick, someone’s there for you, just like Coach Lewis is there for me.
CP Commentary Two: Did ESPN forget Ocho Cinco kicked a point? Brett Favre, Brett Favre… I knew 24/7 was comin’ up, but I thought it was about boxing… All the talk, the talk, talk, talk, talk, talk is Brett split the locker room… Some with Sage Rosenfels, Some with Tarvaris Jackson… CHILD PLEASE… If Sage Rose or Tar Jacked could win a Super Bowl, could win a purple vs. white scrimmage, you think their coach, what’s his name, Bald Coachless, would have begged?
CP Commentary Three: Late today, the Broncos, that team who traded Jay Cutler, who hired a personal assistant as head coach, they suspended Brandon Marshall. I can’t say nothing… Brandon bitched… Brandon complained… Brandon whined… Ocho Cinco never does any of those things and he especially don’t smack around a chica like she a DB I’m gonna dust on Sunday… People like Brandon, get a big CHILD PLEASE!
CP Commentary Four: Florida International won’t play in a tournament unless they play Ohio State and not North Carolina. CHILD PLEASE. What they gonna do, sit home and listen to Coach Thomas instruct them on the finer points of Stephon Marbury… And seriously, how can Florida International dictate anything to anyone? They won thirteen games… Zeke sexually harassed more Knicks employees in one month… FU, FIU, FUI, whatever, need to play who they told…
Chad Johnson: Until next time, this is Eighty-five, aka Ocho Cinco, aka the Black Mexican saying in Chad You Must Trust… Peace!

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Sports Trivialized

This afternoon, I was reading US Weekly and I could not comprehend their “news.” "She was laughing at all his jokes and they were sitting so close…”
As I read, I mused… What if they covered sports?

Josh Beckett: The World Series MVP recently downloaded several country music hits onto his I-pod… “It could be motivation or an attempt at matchmaking,” says a Beckett insider. “Country’s been helpful with both.”
Kobe Bryant: Spotted! The four time champion and former adulterer browsing necklaces inside Stein Diamonds. “He was asking carat weights and he said he didn’t care about price,” said a witness.

Chad Johnson: Despite an alleged metacarpal fracture, Ocho Cinco was seen twittering as he enjoyed Cranberry and Red Bull, inside the Havana Martini Night Club. “Child please,” said the flamboyant wide out. “Nothing stops my twitter.”
Peyton Manning: Wearing jean shorts, a striped polo, and a Colts hat, the signal caller snacked on Hydrox and lounged on the deck of his condo. “He’s never really liked Oreos,” a source told US.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Julie & Julia Inspire Idols

On August 7, Julie and Julia premiered. In the film, Julie Powell pays homage to Julia Child, blogging and cooking every recipe in the culinary icon’s cookbook.
With that as inspiration, five athletes will enact their own homages…
Sidney Crosby & Gordie Howe: For the 2009-2010 season, Crosby promises nine Gordie Howe hat tracks, consisting of one goal, one assist, and one fight per contest. Crosby will also wear number nine, the same number of speeches he made criticizing Stanley Cup officials.

Roger Federer & John McEnroe: In next year’s major championships, Federer pledges a minimum of one outburst per set. He will also wear Nike Super Brat clothing, whose commercials will conclude with “Wear Anything Else? You cannot be serious.”
Lebron James & Michael Jordon: While Nike and number connect the pair, James’ actions will cement their resemblance. During next seasons playoffs, James will be seen in Atlantic City prior to several contests.

Chad Johnson & Lynn Swann: Following HBO’s Hard Knocks, Johnson enrolls into an advanced ballet class. He also changes his first name to Ocho, his number to 88, and his name plate reads “Ocho Cubed.”
Manny Ramirez & Hank Aaron: Prior to the 2009 National League Playoffs, Ramirez vows that his home run trots will include two college students. He also requests post career employment in the Commissioners Office, as Director of Nuisance Players.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls