Saturday, October 3, 2009
And I’m Googling
In the 2004 Olympics, he garnered a pair of gold medals. Sadly, he is South America’s most decorated Olympian. 
Today’s Entrance Music
Troy Aikman, Reggie Bush, John Elway, Tony Gonzalez, Maurice Jones-Drew, Carson Palmer, and Mark Sanchez… California’s Pac Ten quartet has spawned superstars whose actions and attitudes were classic golden state. Jahvid Best and Joe McKnight should be the next pair whose paychecks attract a pretty face.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls
Friday, October 2, 2009
Michigan Governor: Report Our Sports
[Governor’s Office: Lansing, Michigan][Governor Jennifer Granholm, Chief of Staff Dan Krichbaum, and Legal Director Kelly Keenan are seated inside Granholn’s office]
Jennifer Granholm: Detroit’s on the covers of Sports Illustrated and Time.
Dan Krichbaum: The cover of Time? What’s the title?
Jennifer Granholm: The Tragedy of Detroit.
[Momentary silence]
Jennifer Granholm: Every city and state is in a recession. Why one of my cities?
Kelly Keenan: It could be the thirty percent unemployment, fifty percent illiteracy, or seventy percent unsolved murders.
Jennifer Granholm: I know the statistics. Why wouldn’t either magazine spotlight the positive?Dan Krichbaum: What’s the positive?
Jennifer Granholm: The Red Wings have made the playoffs every year since I was elected.
Kelly Keenan: Mam, the 2004 season was cancelled.
Jennifer Granholm: They’ve won the Stanley Cup, two conference and five division titles. Governor Patterson has two teams and they never win their division.
Dan Krichbaum: President Obama’s request for his resignation makes sense.Jennifer Granholm: The Pistons have won a championship, two conference and four division titles. Charlie Crist has three teams and can’t match that.
Kelly Keenan: Governor Crist doesn’t have fifteen percent statewide unemployment and a thirty-two percent approval rating.
Jennifer Granholm: Have his baseball teams succeeded? The Tigers are winning their second division title in four years.
Dan Krichbaum: The Tampa Bay Rays won the American League last season and his state isn’t forty-ninth in young adult retention.
Jennifer Granholm: I’ve succeeded with young adults. Michigan has made three BCS Bowls since I was elected.Dan Krichbaum: And lost them all.
Jennifer Granholm: Michigan State basketball has made two final fours since I was elected. Can Governor Strickland say that?
Kelly Keenan: Ohio State made the Final Four in 2007.
Dan Krichbaum: Mam, I understand your strategy, but how can I address the Lions?
Jennifer Granholm: Use the words hope and change. It’s worked before.
Today’s Entrance Music
In honor of this afternoon’s announcement, Nicole Scherzinger sings this selection. This sexy serenade should be the 2016 Olympic anthem.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Republican Pariah Prioritizes Friends, Tweeps Over Viewers
[NHL Headquarters: New York, New York] [Commissioner Gary Bettman and Senior Vice President of Marketing Carly Fiorina are seated inside Bettman's office]
Gary Bettman: Our season starts tonight and Direct TV won’t compromise. What if they won’t restore Versus? What’s our solution?
Carly Fiorina: Twitter.
Gary Bettman: Twitter is our solution?
Carly Fiorina: Six million visitors per month, it’s one of the fifty most popular websites, one of the fastest growing websites, it’s been described as remarkably simple. Celebrities, fans, players, reporters all use it. 
Gary Bettman: We had real growth last season, which in this economic climate is amazing and you propose exchanging eighteen million households of daily viewers for six million viewers per month?
Carly Fiorina: Facebook has three hundred million users worldwide. Users can create, join, and interact with fan pages, create groups, add friends, send them messages, join city, school, region, and workplace networks, update their status, send gifts and links, view news feeds and China, Iran, and Syria allow the website.
Gary Bettman: China, Iran, and Syria? Our fans are not in those countries.
Carly Fiorina: Our fans are not in Carolina and Nashville and we market those cities.
Gary Bettman: Any other solutions?
Carly Fiorina: Zimbio is an online magazine publisher, one of the fastest growing websites, they’ve launched Zimbio TV, and they cover current events, entertainment, and sports.
Gary Bettman: You’re marking ideas are interesting, but we should discuss our television situation. How can we grow if fans can’t watch?
Carly Fiorina: You’re ESPN contract concluded in 2004?
Gary Bettman: Correct.
Carly Fiorina: And you’re NBC contract started in 2005?
Gary Bettman: Correct.
Carly Fiorina: No one has watched one of your games in five years.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls
And I’m Googling
In the minor leagues, he amassed a 304-258 record. He won Carolina League and International League Manager of the Year. In the major leagues, he amassed a 561-569 record. He won American League Manager of the Year. Contributor: Platinum Smalls
Today’s Entrance Music
Following Tuesday’s premiere, Kristin Cavallari warrants this selection. Her appropriate b adjective is not bitch.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
And I’m Googling
He served as Saudi Royal Family Physician and United States Olympic Decathlete. In 1987, he founded the Gay Games. Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge
Today’s Entrance Music
The Barenaked Ladies’ energetic anthem encapsulates everyone with aspirations. They know commitment resolves anonymity or prominence.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Love Encounters Oakland Obstruction
[Oakland Raiders Headquarters: Oakland, California] [Jennifer Love Hewitt, JaMarcus Russell, and Senior Executive John Herrera are seated inside Herrera's office]
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Do you know why I’m here?
JaMarcus Russell: Because you want quarterback.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Because I can help you.
JaMarcus Russell: How?
John Herrera: Yes, how? The only thing you have in common is the same chance of completing a pass.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: JaMarcus, I wasn’t the same person a year ago. You know what motivated me to change?
John Herrera: Those US Weekly pictures of your fat ass? 
Jennifer Love Hewitt: No… Confidence motivated me.
John Herrera: Confidence shrunk your ass?
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Yes. In the morning, before I leave my house, I say five things I love about myself. JaMarcus, why don’t you try?
JaMarcus Russell: I graduated LSU. I had two great seasons there. I was best rookie. Coach Cable have confidence in me and I got him first win.
John Herrera: Nice try. You didn’t graduate LSU. You didn’t win an SEC title. You’re class has a dozen better rookies. Coach Cable has more confidence in Todd Marinovich and Brett Favre’s two interceptions got us that win.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Don’t listen to him. It’s alright you’re not perfect. I still have days that I’m like Ugh, really? Why is it so hard to fit into my jeans?”
John Herrera: And then you remember your shrunken ass.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls
And I’m Googling
He idolized Elvis Pressley, whom he provided tickets. He revered James Dean, whose cars he replicated. His coaching credits include the Atlanta Falcons, Buffalo Bills, Detroit Lions, Houston Oilers, Georgia Tech, Hawaii, Portland State, and Western Kentucky. His commentator credits include CBS, Fox, Inside the NFL, NFL Today, and the Cartoon Network. Contributor: Platinum Smalls
Today’s Entrance Music
Rarely does a song come along that makes me sing along no matter where I am. You should have seen me at the train station this morning. The video is playing on my phone while I'm singing the words and dancing to the rhythm. Who cares if everyone else is watching? Who cares if the song is the same age as my daughter? How else do you think she was conceived?
But in reality (imaginary daughters aside) this might just be my favorite song. Not only does Carlos Santana's guitar make me want to die happy, you can’t ignore the fact that Rob Thomas' vocals are just superb here. It's strange, I know, but this song just makes me want to start a band. Let's see how that goes.
Contributor: The Dentist
Monday, September 28, 2009
Owner, Prince Discuss Saudi America’s Team
[Dallas Cowboys Headquarters, Irving, Texas] [Owner Jerry Jones and Saudi Arabian Prince Bandar bin Sultan are seated inside Jones' office]
Prince Bandar bin Sultan: Thank you for this meeting.
Jerry Jones: When one of our fans who might have nuclear weapons wants to talk, I clear my schedule.
Prince Bandar bin Sultan: Mahmoud wanted to attend the home opener, but he couldn’t obtain a visa.
Jerry Jones: Please tell him I said hello.
Prince Bandar bin Sultan: I will. Jerry, I asked for this meeting to convey my concerns.
Jerry Jones: You’re also dissatisfied with Tony Romo?
Prince Bandar bin Sultan: Emmit and Tony’s statements were translated for me and I agree. He has thrown three plus interceptions in four of his last six games. Do you know what we would have done with him?
Jerry Jones: Beheading?
Prince Bandar bin Sultan: That Simpson girl would receive that for fornication. He’d receive, let’s say, ninety lashes.
Jerry Jones: What are your other concerns?
Prince Bandar bin Sultan: Marion, Felix, Tashard… You have backs as we have princes.
Jerry Jones: Saudi Arabia has had success with multiple princes.
Prince Bandar bin Sultan: We have thirteen percent unemployment. If you call that success…
Jerry Jones: You’re from Nevada.
Prince Bandar bin Sultan: Jerry, whores, sin, six dollar drinks… I’ve never been to Nevada.
Jerry Jones: Celine Dion’s Las Vegas Show inspired our scoreboard.
Prince Bandar bin Sultan: My wife and I saw Celine in Dubai.
Jerry Jones: You have another concern?
Prince Bandar bin Sultan: Your defense. In the home opener, you resembled our Muslim brethren in the Six Days War.
Jerry Jones: We had five tackles for loss.
Prince Bandar bin Sultan: Jerry, the front seven was that George Bush address on spreading freedom. It made noise and didn’t achieve anything.
Jerry Jones: You would make some changes?
Prince Bandar bin Sultan: If our soccer team performed this poorly, they’d receive one hundred lashes each prior to their next match.
Jerry Jones: Lashing our athletes is forbidden.
Prince Bandar bin Sultan: Says Commissioner Goodell? Human Rights Watch says we must not abuse women. We must grant them equal rights and we have not. If you show your players anger, they will perform as you wish.
Jerry Jones: Has that strategy succeeded with Israel?
Contributor: Platinum Smalls
Today’s Entrance Music
Phil Collins and Eric Clapton’s collaboration evokes anguish, inspiration, passion, and sorrow. The signature moment when you are enveloped.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls
Sunday, September 27, 2009
And I’m Googling
From the Cincinnati Bengals to the Montreal Alouettes, Bloomington Extreme, and California Redwoods, Warrick’s regression was geographical. The 1999 Sugar Bowl Most Valuable Player has not snared a reception since 2006.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls
Today’s Entrance Music
ATB and Aruna’s collaboration pulsates with acute insights and intense rhythm. I could be your consolation, if you’d be my saving grace encapsulates epic romance.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls
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