Larry Dolan’s Objective: Burn It Down

Since Googling Atlee Hammaker’s inception, the Cleveland Indians have been mocked and ridiculed. Rick Morris and I knew our opinion was reviled. We never expected an extreme response.
[Progressive Field: Cleveland, Ohio]

[Owner Larry Dolan and Giordano Family Soldier Vince Domnotro are seated inside Dolan’s office]

Larry Dolan: No one saw you?

Vince Domnotro: Nope.

Larry Dolan: Concourse? Elevator? Parking Lot?

Vince Domnotro: No one saw me.

Larry Dolan: I almost canceled this meeting because of the home game.

Vince Domnotro: Why not?

Larry Dolan: I remembered churches mock our attendance.
Vince Domnotro: This is a nice office.

Larry Dolan: Thank you.

Vince Domnotro: You do your secretary on this desk?

Larry Dolan: No.

Vince Domnotro: What about that PR girl with the great ass?

Larry Dolan: Pay attention.

Vince Domnotro: What’s up?

Larry Dolan: Rick Morris.

Vince Domnotro: Who’s that?
Larry Dolan: He called me penny stingy and pound stupid. He ridiculed our employees. He insulted Mark Shapiro.

Vince Domnotro: Penny stingy and pound stupid…Doesn’t sound that far off…

Larry Dolan: Keep that sense of humor. You’ll need it when I tell Carmine and your ashes our fertilizing our spring training facility.

Vince Domnotro: So you want to get this Shapiro?

Larry Dolan: Morris. Rick Morris.

Vince Domnotro: Morris… You want him offed?
Larry Dolan: I would never condone murder… until Carmine lowers his asking price.

Vince Domnotro: What then?

Larry Dolan: Send him a message.

Vince Domnotro: Burn down his house?

Larry Dolan: That should shut him up.

Vince Domnotro: Consider it done.

Larry Dolan: If you get caught…

Vince Domnotro: Relax. By tomorrow morning, Shapiro is homeless.

Larry Dolan: Rick Morris.

Vince Domnotro: Consider it done.

[Seven hours later – Dolan is awakened by the phone – Shapiro is hysterical]
Larry Dolan: Hello?

Mark Shapiro: Larry, someone burned down my house.

Larry Dolan: What?

Mark Shapiro: Someone burned down my house. The neighbors saw someone running away screaming Suck That Rick Morris.

Larry Dolan: Damn it.

Mark Shapiro: What?

Larry Dolan: Platinum Smalls was right. You get what you pay for.
Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Tad & Will: Swill & Swallower

INDIANS PUBLIC RELATIONS FLACK TAD DISINGENUOUS: Thanks for another season of great ink, Will, hoping to see a little more as we move down the stretch.

ESPN BASEBALL WRITER WILL FULLY-OBTUSE: Oh, anything for you, Tad, you know I think that your front office is revolutionizing the very process of building a baseball franchise from the ground up.

TAD: Why, yes, that’s exactly what we’re doing, how bold, perceptive and refreshing that you recognize it so clearly!

WILL: And as always, I appreciate your kind personal comments, Tad.

TAD: Well, we’d appreciate any help you could give in knocking down these vicious rumors that we have been anything short of an absolute organizational juggernaut this year. We know you and other like-minded people in the national media have that kind of stroke; after all, we were actually at the same Vegas odds for winning the World Series as the Phillies on Opening Day!
WILL: I’d love to, I really would, because I fully believe that … but I may have to be a bit careful in how I do that. I’m still taking a bit of heat about the last column I wrote about you: “Forget wins and losses, Shapiro and Company dominated the decade.”

TAD: Careful? Careful’s not going to get these uppity, think-for-themselves peon fans back on our side, pal. We need something at least as strong as your previous effort: “Why wait? Enshrine Mark Shapiro and his whole crew in Cooperstown right now!”

WILL: Well, no offense Tad, but it might take something stronger than another fools-gold surge back to the vicinity of .500 to get permission for that from my editor.

TAD: What? You know what, never mind, I’ll just take this request to Diatribe. Paul Cousineau once gave a favorable writeup to a Chris Antonetti bowel movement – which, in retrospect, probably prepared him well for his praise of the David Dellucci signing.

WILL: No! Don’t do that! I’ll write anything you want! The sell-by date for Carlos Carrasco wasn’t last Thanksgiving! David Huff is the next Tom Glavine! You got [GULP] the best prospects from the Red Sox in the Victor Martinez deal!

TAD: Now, see, was that really so hard?

WILL: After everything I’ve bought so far, no, not really.

Contributor: Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Franchise Fiction & The Truth

Recently, Indians Owner Larry Dolan was characterized as penny stingy and pound stupid. Dolan denounced our portrayal and requested a response opportunity. Dolan will espouse his excrement and I’ll respond.
Larry Dolan: Times change and franchises must change with them. I ordered Mark Shapiro to cut payroll and looking at the economy, who can blame me? Cleveland fans must realize that our lack of superstars does not necessarily mean we lack commitment to winning. In baseball, there’s an old saying, it only takes one. When the Indians accomplish my plan and win the World Series, I want an apology from every critic and fan who dared challenge my vision.

Platinum Smalls: Larry, you incontinent scrooge. Penny stingy, pound stupid, pompous geezers such as yourself should know the rules. If you want a franchise, purchase a franchise. But, Cleveland fans will not shed tears for you. Especially not when your trading away all-star after all-star, with the frequency of the white collar criminals, who walk in and out of your law firm. You criticize those who disbelieve your perpetual five year plan… I guess what your saying is that when penny stingy, pound stupid, pompous geezers such as yourself purchase franchises, your intent is never winning. Well, please spare us, geezers, and tell your fans how will you screw them in advance. Then they can choose another franchise, whose owner is more concerned with pitching, than how many paperclips his employees use.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Shapiro's Strategy: Steal From Me

Indians Owner Larry Dolan is penny stingy and pound stupid… However, General Manager Mark Shapiro is the moron who exchanges three common cards for three game used autographed bats…

Shapiro’s ineptitude is perfectly evidenced by this video…

Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge