Single Pigskin Option: Obama Hopes For Healthcare Football

On August 6, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said, “We’ll still be playing college football when the President signs health care… It will be October or November.”
While Googling Atlee Hammaker doubts that the required votes will ever materialize, President Obama has garnered grander upsets (ask Hillary Clinton)… In that spirit, we present these four healthcare signing scenarios…

Oklahoma vs. Texas: With Oklahoma leading the Red River Shootout, President Obama interrupts halftime to announce a healthcare compromise. After Oklahoma’s Congressional Delegation concedes that Texas should have been the squad opposite Florida last season, the Lone Star state’s representatives provide the required votes.
Michigan at Iowa: After Kirk Ferentz lobbies Leonard Boswell (IA-3) and the Blue Dog Democrats, President Obama signs the bill in the state that commenced his campaign. Intriguingly, Governor Sarah Palin attends the contest also.

USC at Arizona State: President Obama and Senator John McCain broker a midnight compromise, allowing the bill to be signed as the Sun Devils score a momentum shifting touchdown. Sadly, the number of California representatives which voted for the bill, will outnumber the points the Trojans score this evening.
Georgia vs. Florida: As the coin is flipped, a single payer healthcare package is signed into law. The fragile outdoor cocktail party compromise which whisked the legislation through the senate is nearly crumbled when President Obama cannot decide between Blue Moon, Red Stripe, and Sam Adams Light.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

I Love Jerseys, College, & These Videos

Googling Atlee Hammaker’s attitude and objective are amusement and entertainment, creativity and mindlessness, new and old… With Tim Crispy’s video, each aspect is achieved and indulged… “I Love Jerseys” is internet video perfection.

From superstars to supporters, the jersey compilation is incredible. Enjoy Crispy’s masterpiece (and Asher Roth’s original)…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

1988

President George H.W. Bush and Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto’s elections, Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North’s indictment, Lieutenant Colonel William Huggins’ kidnapping, Pan-Am Flight 103, and the Afghanistan-USSR and Iran-Iraq wars conclude… This was a monumental year…

Sadly, Brooke Hogan and Vanessa Hudgens’ births and the People vs. Larry Flynt also occurred.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Spirit of Radio

Rush’s signature selection is another entrepreneurial and internet anthem. No one has heard the guitar or lyrics and not experienced instant motivation.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Stan Speaks Truth to Lewis

For an elevated testosterone level (is his objective babies or baskets?), Rashard Lewis was suspended ten contests. Magic Coach Stan Van Gundy is clearly upset with this indiscretion, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which I was e-mailed by someone who chose not to read their own supplement labels)…
Rashard Lewis: First and foremost I take full responsibility for the situation and accept the corresponding penalty.
Stan Van Gundy: I’m thankful you were caught. Even without you we should eight of our first ten.
Rashard Lewis: I did not realize it included a substance banned by the NBA.
Stan Van Gundy: When did your cheating start?
Rashard Lewis: Toward the end of the season I took an over-the-counter supplement.
Stan Van Gundy: And someone couldn’t read you the label?
Rashard Lewis: I apologize for not doing the research that should come with good judgment.
Stan Van Gundy: You should apologize to your teammates. That supplement gave you minutes that should have gone to Mickael Pietrus.
Rashard Lewis: I hope this unintentional mistake will not reflect poorly on our team and its great character.
Stan Van Gundy: Lebron not shaking hands after game six looks better than this.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Shapiro's Strategy: Steal From Me

Indians Owner Larry Dolan is penny stingy and pound stupid… However, General Manager Mark Shapiro is the moron who exchanges three common cards for three game used autographed bats…

Shapiro’s ineptitude is perfectly evidenced by this video…

Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

And I’m Googling

Arena Football League

From 1987-2009, Jim Foster’s creation amused and entertained. Forty-six franchises participated. Twenty-two Arena Bowls occurred. Eleven champions were crowned.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Where I Stood

Missy Higgins’ haunting single evokes passion and reflection. With seven primetime appearances, this selection is also a television treasure.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Putrid Matches

According to Vanity Fair (all the news that makes you sick), Ryan O’Neal propositioned his daughter. While Tatum O’Neal’s misfortune made us wretch, Googling Atlee Hammaker also mused… Sports are this incestuous…
It is in that spirit and with complete indifference to any potential criticism that we present sport’s most incestuous couples…
John and Ashley Force: Whenever he approaches her fiancée, his implication is obvious. He is not parenting. He is staining his territory with nitro.
Byung-wook and Michelle Wie: Five professional seasons and zero victories… It’s obvious golf was their cover story… Who hooked and who sliced?
Richard, Serena, and Venus Williams: He chose their sport… He entered them into tournaments... His presence manufactured their screams.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Jason Cleary Would be Minnesota’s Mistake

According to the Los Angeles Times (where you can go when the world don’t treat you right), the Minnesota Timberwolves may hire Kurt Rambis. Aside from his eighties glasses (which Fred Goldman has borrowed), Rambis is renowned as the Glen Oak High School Women’s Coach on 7th Heaven.While the Timberwolves need a coach (Norman Dale and Whitey Durham were their first choices), Rambis offers them nothing. Mary Camden has character issues, a questionable knee, and three children.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Rush Rush

Following Tuesday’s announcement, this selection was inevitable. American Idol’s Paula Abdul may be ditzy, erratic, inane, unstable, and vacant, but Spellbound’s Paula Abdul was a sultry sex kitten with a number one song.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Thompson to Vick: Patience Is A Cliche

According to General Manager Ted Thompson, the Packers are open to the possibility that they might someday consider signing Michael Vick. Obviously, Vick was ecstatic at this prospect, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which was overheard by someone relaxing in their Aaron Rodgers replica jersey)…Michael Vick: You’re interested in signing me?
Ted Thompson: What is the answer that we give to questions like this?
Michael Vick: You’re not interested in signing me?
Ted Thompson: We look at all options at all times.
Michael Vick: What are the chances you will sign me?
Ted Thompson: I wouldn't care to speculate in terms of the odds or the percentages…
Michael Vick: What will dictate your decision?
Ted Thompson: We look at everything.
Michael Vick: What’s your timetable?
Ted Thompson: The routine that we go through is the same.
Michael Vick: What’s that mean?
Ted Thompson: It doesn't mean any more that we are likely to do it or less likely.
Michael Vick: Why not make a decision?
Ted Thompson: It's a routine that we go through.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Science Defiance

According to a study (an academic endeavor which unites lab rats and women who would never date them), cheerleading is the premiere cause of injuries involving spinal cord damage… Who knew the t-shirt slogan, if cheerleading was any easier it would be called football, would be supported by science?

This study may concern academics… This study may concern parents… Googling Atlee Hammaker’s concern is the short skirts… It is in that spirit and with complete indifference to the lab rats research, that we present this cheerleader montage…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

Hank Baskett
The Vikings may have traded him to Philadelphia for three cheesesteaks and the keys to Rick Santorum’s house, but anyone, anywhere comprehends why this third string wide receiver merits even thirty seconds of attention… Go Kendra… Go Kendra… Go Kendra… Go Kendra…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Muppet Wars

Does your boss ever look over your shoulder while you're working? Breathing down your neck like Darth Vader in a tie? Does his entrance into a room prompt the Imperial Death Knoll to play in your head?

Well folks, you have no reason to be afraid any more! Next time that ominous music starts playing, just remix it with the Muppet theme song. What better way to neutralize the prickly sensation on the back of your neck than by bringing up images of Kermit the Frog and Fozzy Bear. Liven up your day by throwing in a good beat box- just don't get caught dancing at work.

Contributor: The Dentist

Dallas Dilemma: A Star Wants Stardom

As Googling Atlee Hammaker referenced (we don’t report the news, we simply mock it), Tony Romo is dating twenty-two year old Natalie Smith, the daughter of his college coach. Owner Jerry Jones is clearly concerned with his quarterback’s conduct (inept plunge from Carrie Underwood to cocktail waitress), as evidenced by this partial transcript (which we obtained from someone before they cheated)…
Jerry Jones: Tony, I just told ESPN you’re the cornerstone of our franchise.
Tony Romo: I missed the interview.
Jerry Jones: Were you throwing? Watching film?
Tony Romo: I was walking my girlfriend home from class.
Jerry Jones: Tony, we need to discuss this situation.
Tony Romo: Jerry, the T.O. Show requested an appearance… I said no.
Jerry Jones: We need to discuss your publicity.
Tony Romo: I know… I’m on the covers of In Touch, People, Us Weekly, and Sports Illustrated… You think I could have my own show?
Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

L.A. Law

From Norman Chaney's heart attack over the tax code to Michael Kuzak seeking love in a monkey suit… From Rosalind Shays’ death via elevator shaft to Arnold Becker’s unquenchable libido… From the Los Angeles Riots to network television’s initial lesbian kiss... Steven Bochco and David E. Kelley’s series produced memorable and monumental moments…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Hilariously Unrelated Medley

Global warming is very real and should never be mocked in any way and is a cause pursued by very serious and moral people. Well, actually nothing in that last sentence was true in any way. But it does steer us right to the man pushing this gaga perhaps more than anyone else. It's an "inconvenient truth" for Al Gore that scientists are debunking his garbage as a trend toward global cooling now appears to be picking up steam, no pun intended. But, in his honor, we offer up this global warming theme song, which is part one of this medley -- and you may enjoy the rest of it at no additional charge!

Contributor: Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Tony Romo Tarnishes His Star (Yes, Again)

According to US Weekly (all the news that’s hit and quit), Tony Romo is dating twenty-two year old Natalie Smith, the daughter of his college coach… While this scenario screams celebrity transcript (and we promise one), Googling Atlee Hammaker believes that a review of Romo’s dating downtrend is necessary…

Enjoy and recognize how inept he is…

Girlfriend #1: Carrie Underwood

Girlfriend #2: Sophia Bush

Girlfriend #3: Jessica Simpson

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

Must See TV

Who can forget where we watched or who we were dating when those words were popular. Friends… Seinfeld… Sadly, NBC renounced the phrase after network management thought that twenty years of Thursday Night dominance was enough and they shouldn’t develop any more watchable shows…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Love Game

Obviously, Lady Gaga is colorful, eccentric, peculiar, quirky, and unusual… She is also scrumptiously honest, as evidenced by this recent quote... “I just sleep with the guys in the band all the time because it’s easier.”

Sounds as if Gaga has had lots of fun while riding several disco sticks…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls