Jon Sans Kate Plus Debate

Kate Gosselin: Welcome to the Kate Gosselin Show. Before we start, I want to tell Cara Nicole, Madelyn Kate, Alexis Faith, Hannah Joy, Aaden Jonathan, Collin Thomas, Leah Hope, and Joel Kevin, mommy misses you. Mommy can’t spend any time with you and when we’re together, I treat you like props, but mommy loves her props very much. Yesterday, the Arizona Cardinals defeated the Jacksonville Jaguars 31-17. Kurt Warner set a record and Larry Fitzgerald caught a touchdown. Unfortunately, their relationship has been complicated by a third party, similar to the third party affairs which have complicated my relationship. Joining me today are Arizona Cardinals Quarterback Kurt Warner and Wide Receiver Larry Fitzgerald, former Arizona Cardinals and current California Redwoods Coach Dennis Green, and one of his players, Marcus Fitzgerald, Larry’s younger brother.
Kate Gosselin: Kurt, you completed 24 of 26 passes, threw two touchdowns, and you won. Everything seemed perfect, but your partner betrayed you. I have some experience with this. Jon and I were very happy. We earned millions for having kids and talking about kids, but he ruined everything. Is this situation all your partner’s fault?

Kurt Warner: Kate, my wife Brenda and I have been married for twelve years and I don’t know you, so I have no idea what you just said. The Arizona Cardinals won yesterday. It wasn’t easy and the Colts won’t be easy and we should prepare for them. Instead, I’m sitting on a couch talking about this. I’m not a former first round pick who wants attention. I’m a former stocky boy at the Hy-Vee Grocery Store and I’m happy I’m still playing. I want this over.

Kate Gosselin: Larry, Kurt is ready to end this controversy. Are you?

Larry Fitzgerald: Kate, I’ve had ten catches for 105 yards and we’re 1-1. Last year, I had nine catches for 184 yards and we started 2-0. Kurt is the same quarterback, but this is another year. We have expectations, I have expectations, and Kurt should get me the ball. I want the ball.

Kate Gosselin: Marcus, you instigated this controversy, similar to Jon instigating our divorce and the tabloids several affairs and flirtations. Marcus, do you regret your actions?

Marcus Fitzgerald: I was just frustrated because as a brother I just wanna see him get the ball all the time ya know. I was only kidding and the media tried to stir something up.

Kate Gosselin: Dennis, you coached both of these brothers. Does this incident surprise you?

Dennis Green: Not really. Like other NFL siblings, they are who we thought they were.

Kate Gosselin: One sibling is a superstar with millions and talent and the other is a second rate nobody, who dreams of starting alongside their brother, even when it’s obvious they lack the talent.

Dennis Green: Correct.

Kate Gosselin: Kurt, will this incident alter your actions, as Jon’s cheating altered my ability to neglect our children without media scrutiny?

Kurt Warner: Kate, I don’t neglect my children publicly or privately, so again I cannot relate to you. We need to prepare for the Indianapolis Colts and our division which is weak, but not as weak as last season. We’re not a superior team, we’re one of three mediocre teams and winning this division is where our attention should be.
Kate Gosselin: Maybe your attention should be on the wide receiver who you’ve neglected for two games, as Jon neglected me and ruined our marriage. Larry, have you been neglected?

Larry Fitzgerald: I don’t know who Jon is or why you have a talk show. I want to win a Super Bowl and get paid and I can’t do either without the ball. I just want the ball.

Kate Gosselin: You want this over as I want Jon off my television so I can neglect my children and host my talk show. Marcus, do you feel the same?

Marcus Fitzgerald: I mean, I’m aight with your show and Larry has a kid, so you can ask him on the other thing. I was only kidding and the media tried to stir something up.

Kate Gosselin: Dennis, this is my final question. Larry is an elite wide receiver and seems humble. Was he humble when you coached him and is he humble now?

Dennis Green: Kate, elite is not my word. If you want to crown Larry, then crown his ass. He was a humble ball boy once, but now he has millions. How should I know?

Kate Gosselin: Dennis, I understand. Jon and I were very happy, but he is not the man I married and now we’re divorced. Thanks everyone for a great show. Join us again and remember, I love my kids to pieces, as long as the camera crews raise them.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Seymour’s Solicitation: God Save Me

On September 6, the New England Patriots traded Richard Seymour to the Oakland Raiders. Most players join their new squads immediately. Seymour ignored the inevitable and requested divine intervention.
[People’s Baptist Church: Boston, Massachusetts]

[Richard Seymour kneels before an alter]

Richard Seymour: God, it’s me.

God: Richard. With what I’ve seen on sportscenter, I’m surprised you have the time.

Richard Seymour: Are you busy?

God: Just watching the game, having a Bud.
Richard Seymour: God, I’ve always said faith, family, football.

God: I know you have.

Richard Seymour: My wife and I pray and we would’ve gone to church, but I had to work.

God: I understand.

Richard Seymour: Then why?

God: I’m kind of into testing people and after $54 million, five pro bowls, and three titles, you deserved some adversity.
Richard Seymour: Weren’t there other options? Disease... Injury…. What about an illegitimate child?

God: Each of those were to simplistic. Diseases are curable. You’ve had injuries. And I tried an illegitimate child with Tom Brady…

Richard Seymour: But, why the Raiders?

God: After Al Davis, Randy Moss’ escape, Super Bowl XXXVII, and the Tuck Rule, don’t you think I owed them?

Contributors: Spastik Moose & Platinum Smalls

Forget Swift, Jay Cutler Is Not Rapper’s Delight

During the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, Kanye West assailed Taylor Swift. Hours earlier, West staged a similar tirade.

[Soldier Field: Chicago, Illinois]

[Jay Cutler is answering a reporter’s question inside the Chicago Bears locker room]

Jay Cutler: You know, the Bears haven’t had a Pro Bowl quarterback since Jim McMahon and you know, I want to provide that type of leadership.

[As Cutler concludes his answer, Kanye West enters and seizes the reporter’s microphone]

Kanye West: Yo, Jay. I’m really happy for you, but Jim McMahon was one of the best quarterbacks of all time.
[Cutler stares toward West with stunned silence]

Kanye West: In 1985, Jim McMahon won fifteen games, scored his second straight winning season and playoff appearance. In your whole career, you’ve won seventeen games, never had a winning season or been to the playoffs.

Jay Cutler: Kanye… How could you be so heartless?

Kanye West: Denver almost traded you and you cried. Jim McMahon was traded and said f the coach.
Jay Cutler: What are you saying? You want me to be stronger?

Kanye West: I’m sayin you an Indiana Boy, you livin the good life, you think you can touch the sky, but you ain’t ever won. You never won at Denver and you came from Vanderbilt.

Jay Cutler: Don’t think I’ll survive the flashing lights?

Kanye West: Jay, I’m happy for you, but you ain’t amazing. The Bears were in the Super Bowl two years ago and with you, they could all fall down.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Their Causes Differ, Their Hopes Diverge & Their Dreams Couldn’t Be More Dissimilar

As the New York Jets premiere supporter, Ira Lieberfarb is opinionated and passionate. While fans comprehend his enthusiasm, pompous provincialists abhor it.

During a recent interaction, this was obvious.
[Chase Bank: Queens, New York]

[Ira Lieberfarb and Colin Flynn are each completing deposit slips, when Lieberfarb observes a button Flynn is wearing]

Ira Lieberfarb: Edward M. Kennedy…

Colin Flynn: He gave me this button in 1962. Now that Teddy’s passed, I think national healthcare may be impossible.

Ira Lieberfarb: I know how you feel.

Colin Flynn: You’re a liberal?

Ira Lieberfarb: No… I mean the hopelessness. I felt that when Broadway Joe opened Bachelor’s Three.
Colin Flynn: Are you comparing the uninsured’s suffering to somewhere I used to drink?

Ira Lieberfarb: Are you ignoring our suffering? We made the AFL and since he opened that bar, we’ve never won again. The Pittsburgh Steelers, with their disgusting fans and players, have won six and we haven’t won any.

Colin Flynn: America has one hundred and fifty uninsured people per physician. If the millionaires who built your stadium would wake up, we could solve that problem.

Ira Lieberfarb: The Meadowlands seats 2,265 people for every year since our Super Bowl appearance. If the millionaires who sit in Congress would regulate the NFL, we could solve that problem.

Colin Flynn: Ted Kennedy’s cause was healthcare and you’re using it as a punch line.

Ira Lieberfarb: The New York Jets are my cause and Fireman Ed uses me as a punch line.
Colin Flynn: America’s uninsured exceeds our sixty-five and over population, our African-American population, and our Hispanic population. Can you equate football with that?

Ira Lieberfarb: Since we won a conference championship, the Boston Red Sox have won the World Series twice. Can you understand that pain?

Colin Flynn: The uninsured exceeds Iraq’s population. The Jets could have chosen a quarterback. Instead, you picked Richard Todd, Ken O’Brien, Chad Pennington, and Browning Nagle.

Ira Lieberfarb: Senator Kennedy opposed Iraq and he could have had healthcare…

Colin Flynn: How?

Ira Lieberfarb: Richard Nixon.

Colin Flynn: Senator Kennedy succeeded without him. The State Children’s Health Insurance Plan has benefited thousands.

Ira Lieberfarb: If one of those children grows up as a Patriots or Steelers fan, how does that benefit anyone?
Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Josh McDaniels Uses His Delusion

During his initial seven months, Denver Coach Josh McDaniels has had one irrefutable problem... An identity crisis…
[Denver Broncos Headquarters: Inglewood, Colorado]

[Owner Pat Bowlen, General Manager Brian Xanders, and Coach Josh McDaniels are seated inside Bowlen’s office]

Pat Bowlen: I’ve received forty-seven calls regarding Brandon Marshall’s suspension. First, we trade away our franchise quarterback. Now, we sit a Pro Bowl wide receiver. What should I tell reporters?

Josh McDaniels: Bill Belichick wins without stars. We’ll win without stars.

Brian Xanders: What’s your strategy with Marshall? Is this suspension it?

Josh McDaniels: I’ll deal with Brandon in the same way Bill Belichick dealt with Terry Glenn. If he doesn’t get the message, we’ll deactivate him.
Pat Bowlen: You’ll deactivate him?

Josh McDaniels: Yes. Players are expendable and we have to build this franchise in my image. Bill Belichick released Lawyer Milloy and traded Drew Bledsoe and we won two Super Bowls.

Pat Bowlen: And what should I say about Kyle Orton?

Josh McDaniels: Kyle Orton is unproven, but so was Tom Brady and Bill Belichick made him a franchise quarterback.

Pat Bowlen: And you’ll make Kyle Orton one?

Josh McDaniels: Bill Belichick and I coached together. Tom Brady and Kyle Orton both attended Big Ten schools. Success should be assumed.
Pat Bowlen: How long should fans wait for the success?

Josh McDaniels: Bill Belichick went 5-11 in 2000. I think that is a reasonable expectation.

Pat Bowlen: So you’ll take us from virtual playoff team to our worst record in ten years and that’s success?

Josh McDaniels: Bill Belichick took the Patriots from 8-8 to their worst record in seven years and then he won a Super Bowl. And let’s be honest, you hired me because this decade’s trophy case is as empty as the Rocky Mountain News offices.

Pat Bowlen: Josh, we’re a great franchise with great fans. If you’re unsuccessful, it’s on you.

Josh McDaniels: Mr. Bowlen, Bill Belichick made a great franchise with great fans better and so will I.

Pat Bowlen: Good. But, don’t wear a hooded sweatshirt into another meeting with me.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls

The Two Brets

Brett Favre is an egotistical, self-important overvalued former cornerstone. Bret Hart is an egotistical, self-important overvalued former cornerstone. Two smugger athletes are non-existent, as evidenced by the pair’s recent conversation… Brett Favre: The Minnesota Vikings called me.
Bret Hart: Curt Henning is from Minnesota and I beat him at Summer Slam ’91.
Brett Favre: The Atlanta Falcons drafted me in 1991.
Bret Hart: Atlanta and Chattanooga are 104 miles apart and I won my fourth championship in Chattanooga.
Brett Favre: I had consecutive four touchdown games in 2003.
Bret Hart: Jim Neidhart and I won consecutive matches at Wrestlemania V & VI.
Brett Favre: I’ve been a five time NFC Player of the Year
Bret Hart: I was a five time WWF Champion.
Brett Favre: I threw five touchdowns against the Vikings in 1997.
Bret Hart: I won the championship twice in 1997.
Brett Favre: I won the Super Bowl in 1997.
Bret Hart: I defeated Steve Austin, the Undertaker, and Vader in one match in 1997.
Brett Favre: Steve Austin and the Undertaker are from Texas, where I’ve beaten Houston twice.
Bret Hart: I beat Skinner at Tuesday in Texas in 1991.
Brett Favre: I threw four passes in 1991.
Bret Hart: I’ve won four United States Heavyweight titles.
Brett Favre: I had four three touchdown plus games in 2004.
Bret Hart: I had four consecutive wins at Summerslam from 1993-1997.
Brett Favre: I threw 19 touchdown passes in 1993.
Bret Hart: I won Feud of the Year with Jerry Lawler in 1993.
Brett Favre: Jerry Lawler is from Memphis, who we beat in 1990.
Bret Hart: Jim Neidhart and I won a match in nineteen seconds in 1990.
Brett Favre: My two touchdown passes won a game 19-13.
Bret Hart: I beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania 13.
Brett Favre: I had thirteen completions in a win against Tampa Bay.
Bret Hart: I’ve won thirteen singles titles.
Brett Favre: I had thirteen rushing touchdowns as a Packer.
Bret Hart: I won my first WWF title in Saskatoon, which is 1,217 miles from Green Bay.

Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Entourage Enjoys Patriots Day

On Entourage, Tom Brady befriended the Chase brothers, conquered them on the course, and revealed Gisele Bündchen’s passions… While Turtle’s obligation, New Yorkers must suggest Brady “sucks balls,” seemed ridiculous based upon Super Bowl XLII’s result, the episode remained amusing.

Ultimately, Brady invites Turtle and factual-fictional girlfriend Jamie Lynn Soprano to dinner… Turtle accepts and suggests Brady should be a New York Giant (Does Eli Manning suck balls?)…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls