Seymour’s Solicitation: God Save Me

On September 6, the New England Patriots traded Richard Seymour to the Oakland Raiders. Most players join their new squads immediately. Seymour ignored the inevitable and requested divine intervention.
[People’s Baptist Church: Boston, Massachusetts]

[Richard Seymour kneels before an alter]

Richard Seymour: God, it’s me.

God: Richard. With what I’ve seen on sportscenter, I’m surprised you have the time.

Richard Seymour: Are you busy?

God: Just watching the game, having a Bud.
Richard Seymour: God, I’ve always said faith, family, football.

God: I know you have.

Richard Seymour: My wife and I pray and we would’ve gone to church, but I had to work.

God: I understand.

Richard Seymour: Then why?

God: I’m kind of into testing people and after $54 million, five pro bowls, and three titles, you deserved some adversity.
Richard Seymour: Weren’t there other options? Disease... Injury…. What about an illegitimate child?

God: Each of those were to simplistic. Diseases are curable. You’ve had injuries. And I tried an illegitimate child with Tom Brady…

Richard Seymour: But, why the Raiders?

God: After Al Davis, Randy Moss’ escape, Super Bowl XXXVII, and the Tuck Rule, don’t you think I owed them?

Contributors: Spastik Moose & Platinum Smalls