Gatorola: Urban Meyer Shops Recruits

This offseason, Lane Kiffin said Urban Meyer illegally recruits. While Googling Atlee Hammaker would never accuse anyone, we obtained a suspicious memorandum.
Wesley Dustin (Wide Receiver – St. Thomas Aquinas – Fort Lauderdale, Florida)
Florida’s premiere prep pass catcher owns three state records… Receptions, touchdowns, and autographs signed between offensive series. If he commits, Dustin will receive two hundred and seventy posters, which he can sign and send to sorority pledges.

Christian Geib (Running Back – Byrnes – Duncan, South Carolina)
In three seasons, he has amassed 6,291 yards, 47 touchdowns, and 39 highlight reels sold. If Geib commits, he will three televisions with tivo, two personal assistants, and thirty percent of each dollar made utilizing his image.

Russell Isley (Running Back – Elder – Cincinnati, Ohio)
Following thirty-three touchdowns and twenty-three community theatre roles, Florida, Ohio State, Universal, and Warner Brothers have called. If he commits, Isley will receive a camera and laptop. Florida’s film school will also purchase his script.
Winston Morris (Offensive Tackle – Don Bosco Prep – Ramsey, New Jersey)
A New York Giants’ fan and former paralegal intern, he stuffs freshman into file cabinets for exercise. If he commits, Morris will receive a blackberry, bluetooth, briefcase, and several underclassman paralegals.

Wendell Rill (Quarterback – Northwestern – Miami, Florida)
America’s most prized signal caller has registered 5,121 passing yards, 3,955 rushing yards, 1,877 facebook friends, and 992 female phone numbers. His stated objective is three national championships and two relationships. If he commits, Rill will receive an apartment and a Porsche.
Tristan Rushi (Wide Receiver – Oaks Christian – Westlake Village, California)
His highlights include 301 receptions, 2,981 yards, 113 touchdowns, 201 celebration penalties, and 539 twitter tweets. If he commits, Rushi will receive a webcam and a reality show, which WCJB will broadcast.

Alex Smalley (Offensive Tackle – Oscar Smith – Chesapeake, Virginia)
While he has never missed a contest, he repeatedly misses class. He prefers shopping. If he commits, Smalley will receive an American Express Black Card, a Visa Check Card, and Project Runway: Season Five.
Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge