King Speaks, Seventeen Spews Conceit and Zen

After Braylon Edwards allegedly assaulted Lebron James’ friend, the Cleveland Browns traded the wide receiver to the New York Jets. Edwards’ indiscretion and narcissism clearly irritated the chosen one, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which was overheard by someone exchanging their number seventeen jersey for a witness t-shirt)…
Lebron James: Heard about the trade.
Braylon Edwards: I’m tweetin’ a statement.
Lebron James: You said twitter was juvenile.
Braylon Edwards: I thought I was juvenile or childish.
Lebron James: Man, he was my friend.
Braylon Edwards: If the city of Cleveland would’ve seen us as equals , your friend’s slip is a non-issue.
Lebron James: When were we equals?
Braylon Edwards: We’re both special talents. You are the best on the court. I am the best on the field.
Lebron James: I know I’m the best. How are you the best?
Braylon Edwards: I’m a winner.
Lebron James: I’m a winner. I won a conference championship.
Braylon Edwards: I caught sixteen touchdowns and the Browns went 10-6 that season.
Lebron James: You guys win the division title?
Braylon Edwards: We went 10-6.
Lebron James: You guys even make the playoffs?
Braylon Edwards: If we made the playoffs, our games wouldn’t have been the lowest rated ever.
Lebron James: And your wins would have matched our wins right?
Braylon Edwards: I know my production exceeded yours that season.
Lebron James: You were the receiver’s champion?
Braylon Edwards: I was second in touchdowns.
Lebron James: That’s great. I was first in points last season.
Braylon Edwards: I was a pro bowl selection when we went 10-6.
Lebron James: I was an All-Star that year, the year before, and the two years since.
Braylon Edwards: Which season were you MVP?
Lebron James: Regular season MVP last year.
Braylon Edwards: Being receiver isn’t about pure statistics. It’s about zen and art.
Lebron James: Man, you are childish and jealous, but I’ll be humble and wish you luck.
Braylon Edwards: Hope the city as humble when you leave in free agency. When everyone want to hit your friend, I won’t look as childish.
Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Ranger State of Mind

Since the MTV Video Music Awards, Empire State of Mind has ensorcelled the city that never sleeps. Jay Z’s alternative version will not alter this…

Yeah, Imma up at fiftieth,
Now, I’m down at twenty-sixth,
Right next to Madison,
But, I’ll own eighth forever,
I’m the new Mark Messier,
And trust me when I guarantee,
I’ll win us another ring,
And they’ll love me forever,
I used to skate in Edmonton,
All of my Canadians,
Right there up in Rexall,
Where I scored only sixty points,
Took that to my agent,
I said get me outta here,
They trade me for cash, players, I have no fear,
Now I cruise down 8th street,
Off white Lexus,
Driving so slow but BL is from Texas,
Me I’m from Canada,
Home of Wayne Gretzky,
Now I live on Park Place,
And I brought my boys with me,
Say wat up to Brashear, still sipping cheap beer,
Sitting courtside Knicks and Nets know I’m here,
Sucka, I be Spiked out, I can trip a referee,
Tell by my attitude that we most definitely…

In New York,
Frozen palace where dreams are made of,
There’s nothing they can’t do,
The Rangers of New York,
The Garden makes you feel brand new,
The Blue shirts inspire you,
Let’s hear it for New York, New York, New York.
Catch me in the Tabs with Richter at a Yankee game,
Mike I made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can,
You should know I bleed blue, but I ain’t a king tho,
But I got a gang of enforcers that’s my clique though,
Welcome to the money spot,
Center where the puck drops,
Vulcanized rubber soars,
Home of the slap shot,
Devil cap, Flyer cap, Dollar cab, Holla back,
For Islanders it ain’t fitted they forgot how to act,
Fourteen squads are out there and their naked,
Conference is a pity half of them won’t make it,
Me I got special skills and I got it made,
If Crosby is Lebron, then I’m Dwayne Wade,
Three goal Malkin,
Three goal Parise,
Opening night, rest in peace Alexi,
Salute the crowd, long live the blue seats,
Long live the goal song,
I’m from the empire state that’s….

In New York,
Frozen palace where dreams are made of,
There’s nothing they can’t do,
The Rangers of New York,
The Garden makes you feel brand new,
The Blue shirts inspire you,
Let’s hear it for New York, New York, New York.
Lights is blinding,
Rooks need blinders,
So they can step off the wall quick,
The side boards are blind with casualties,
Who skate the puck casually, then gradually become worse,
Don’t believe the hype see,
Caught up in the in crowd,
Now they in style,
And in the season get high and wasted on their nights out,
The cities of sin are a pity on a whim,
Good rooks gone bad, this league is filled with them,
Redden took a cab ride and now he all strung out,
Everybody own him, just like a spare couch,
Hail Mary to the Gods we need a left wing,
But Sather can’t save us life starts when this song ends,
Came here as no one, graduated to the high life,
Ball players, rap stars, addicted to the limelight,
This ain’t 94, but we will be back again,
This city will not sleep when we are a champion...

In New York,
Frozen palace where dreams are made of,
There’s nothing they can’t do,
The Rangers of New York,
The Garden makes you feel brand new,
The Blue shirts inspire you,
Let’s hear it for New York, New York, New York.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Keyes Sermon Inspires Fear of Cav

Alan Keyes has served as Alabama A&M University President, American Enterprise Institute Resident Scholar, Assistant Secretary of State for International Organizations, Citizens Against Government Waste President, and United Nations Ambassador. He has also been a Presidential and Senatorial candidate.

The ultra conservative’s most recent employment pursuit surprised us.
[Cleveland Cavaliers Headquarters: Cleveland, Ohio]

[Owner Dan Gilbert and Alan Keyes are seated inside Gilbert’s office]

Dan Gilbert: When you called, I was surprised.

Alan Keyes: Why were you surprised? When I consider the composition of this franchise, the athlete’s antics, mentality, and statements, all of which repulse me… Their bling bling decadence and perversion… This scenario screams for my employment.

Dan Gilbert: When I envision our team chaplain’s role…

Alan Keyes: When I envision my role, Lebron James will be my mission. Here is a man who could reflect God’s glory, praise his name and the magnificent gifts he allocated. Instead, he has commercialized God’s glory, shipping it to every Finish Line and Foot Locker in Brook Park and Independence. The King of Kings was a meek and modest role model. This “King” is a self-absorbed, self-centered, self-important exhibitionist who only seeks attention.
Dan Gilbert: He didn’t stage dive, but I see your point.

Alan Keyes: His blasphemy and gluttony are one issue, his hedonism is another. Lebon James has two young children and no wife. He could cloak himself in the sanctity of marriage, an institution which has been targeted for annihilation. Instead, he cavorts with the atheists, bisexuals, homosexuals, lesbians, and transgendered in a profligate parade.

Dan Gilbert: Cavort and profligate are not words you hear often.

Alan Keyes: Mr. Gilbert, I could consume afternoons, evenings, months, and years discussing the cosmetic aspects of this scenario, but we should discuss the perception.

Dan Gilbert: What perception is that?

Alan Keyes: Lebron James is the devil.

Dan Gilbert: Alright, thank you…

Alan Keyes: What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he's around? Nobody is going to be taken in if he has a long, red, pointy tail. He will look attractive and he will be nice and helpful and he will get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation and he will never do an evil thing...he will just bit by little bit lower standards where they are important.
Dan Gilbert: Did you just quote Broadcast News?

Alan Keyes: Why is that important? When I quote passages of scripture, no one objects. I will illustrate my point via any means necessary.

Dan Gilbert: And there you cribbed Malcolm X.

Alan Keyes: Mr. Gilbert, your money changing has provided you this franchise and a five star presidential penthouse in hell. You can’t repent, but your athletes can and I crave their salvation. Lebron’s immorality, we’ve discussed. Shaquille O’Neal produces misogynistic music about lascivious homosexual acts. And Delonte West epitomizes every marijuana infatuated, sexually impure teenager, seeking naive virgins in the Parma Town Mall. Mr. Gilbert, you cannot ignore the obvious. You own the Sodom and Gomorrah of franchises and you need me for hope and change.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Sing for the King: Shaq Cuts Throwback Track

Following fourteen months of silence, Shaquille O'Neal has exchanged assault rap for reflective rhythm and blues. Witness this selection

Our season’s nights were never right at a Flop House in West H-Wood
The crazy sights were constant highlights at a Flop House in West H-Wood
Where Kobe stashed his mistresses
Jeanie Buss did our dishes
And Rick Fox cursed his wife’s wishes at a Flop House in West H-Wood

Coach Jackson smoked his tribal herb at a Flop House in West H-Wood
Brian Shaw taught Slava English verbs at a Flop House in West H-Wood
Ron Harper took naps on a cot
Robert Horry practiced winning shots
And Mark Madsen danced his ass off at a Flop House in West H-Wood

Champs were made and dues were paid at a Flop House in West H-Wood
Scrubs got hazed and stars got laid at a Flop House in West H-Wood
If King and me would go out west
He’d learn how to be the best
And then he and I would teach the rest at a Flop House in West H-Wood

Ko-be… Flop House in West H-Wood
Ko-be… Flop House in West H-Wood
Ko-be… Flop House in West H-Wood

Contributor: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Julie & Julia Inspire Idols

On August 7, Julie and Julia premiered. In the film, Julie Powell pays homage to Julia Child, blogging and cooking every recipe in the culinary icon’s cookbook.
With that as inspiration, five athletes will enact their own homages…
Sidney Crosby & Gordie Howe: For the 2009-2010 season, Crosby promises nine Gordie Howe hat tracks, consisting of one goal, one assist, and one fight per contest. Crosby will also wear number nine, the same number of speeches he made criticizing Stanley Cup officials.

Roger Federer & John McEnroe: In next year’s major championships, Federer pledges a minimum of one outburst per set. He will also wear Nike Super Brat clothing, whose commercials will conclude with “Wear Anything Else? You cannot be serious.”
Lebron James & Michael Jordon: While Nike and number connect the pair, James’ actions will cement their resemblance. During next seasons playoffs, James will be seen in Atlantic City prior to several contests.

Chad Johnson & Lynn Swann: Following HBO’s Hard Knocks, Johnson enrolls into an advanced ballet class. He also changes his first name to Ocho, his number to 88, and his name plate reads “Ocho Cubed.”
Manny Ramirez & Hank Aaron: Prior to the 2009 National League Playoffs, Ramirez vows that his home run trots will include two college students. He also requests post career employment in the Commissioners Office, as Director of Nuisance Players.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Stan Speaks Truth to Lewis

For an elevated testosterone level (is his objective babies or baskets?), Rashard Lewis was suspended ten contests. Magic Coach Stan Van Gundy is clearly upset with this indiscretion, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which I was e-mailed by someone who chose not to read their own supplement labels)…
Rashard Lewis: First and foremost I take full responsibility for the situation and accept the corresponding penalty.
Stan Van Gundy: I’m thankful you were caught. Even without you we should eight of our first ten.
Rashard Lewis: I did not realize it included a substance banned by the NBA.
Stan Van Gundy: When did your cheating start?
Rashard Lewis: Toward the end of the season I took an over-the-counter supplement.
Stan Van Gundy: And someone couldn’t read you the label?
Rashard Lewis: I apologize for not doing the research that should come with good judgment.
Stan Van Gundy: You should apologize to your teammates. That supplement gave you minutes that should have gone to Mickael Pietrus.
Rashard Lewis: I hope this unintentional mistake will not reflect poorly on our team and its great character.
Stan Van Gundy: Lebron not shaking hands after game six looks better than this.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls