Republican Pariah Prioritizes Friends, Tweeps Over Viewers

As Republican National Committee Chair of Victory, Carly Fiorina was a catastrophe. As NHL Senior President of Marketing, she remains a nightmare. [NHL Headquarters: New York, New York]

[Commissioner Gary Bettman and Senior Vice President of Marketing Carly Fiorina are seated inside Bettman's office]

Gary Bettman: Our season starts tonight and Direct TV won’t compromise. What if they won’t restore Versus? What’s our solution?

Carly Fiorina: Twitter.

Gary Bettman: Twitter is our solution?

Carly Fiorina: Six million visitors per month, it’s one of the fifty most popular websites, one of the fastest growing websites, it’s been described as remarkably simple. Celebrities, fans, players, reporters all use it. Gary Bettman: We had real growth last season, which in this economic climate is amazing and you propose exchanging eighteen million households of daily viewers for six million viewers per month?

Carly Fiorina: Facebook has three hundred million users worldwide. Users can create, join, and interact with fan pages, create groups, add friends, send them messages, join city, school, region, and workplace networks, update their status, send gifts and links, view news feeds and China, Iran, and Syria allow the website.

Gary Bettman: China, Iran, and Syria? Our fans are not in those countries.

Carly Fiorina: Our fans are not in Carolina and Nashville and we market those cities.
Gary Bettman: Any other solutions?

Carly Fiorina: Zimbio is an online magazine publisher, one of the fastest growing websites, they’ve launched Zimbio TV, and they cover current events, entertainment, and sports.

Gary Bettman: You’re marking ideas are interesting, but we should discuss our television situation. How can we grow if fans can’t watch?

Carly Fiorina: You’re ESPN contract concluded in 2004?

Gary Bettman: Correct.

Carly Fiorina: And you’re NBC contract started in 2005?

Gary Bettman: Correct.

Carly Fiorina: No one has watched one of your games in five years.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Sixth Man Set to Wed Third Sister

On Sunday, Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian will marry. Kobe Bryant mistrusts his teammate’s impending nuptials, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which we obtained from someone who took Miami)…
Kobe Bryant: Congratulations man.
Lamar Odom: What you mean?
Kobe Bryant: You’re engagement.
Lamar Odom: You heard? We haven’t even called E about a reality show.
Kobe Bryant: TMZ.
Lamar Odom: Kobe Bryant reads TMZ?
Kobe Bryant: My wife reads TMZ.
Lamar Odom: What you read? ESPN?
Kobe Bryant: And everywhere else I own the headlines. When’s the wedding?
Lamar Odom: Sunday. I’m doin this quick.
Kobe Bryant: Why? Is Khloe expecting a little sixth man?
Lamar Odom: It’s not like that. I just want this over.
Kobe Bryant: How can your marriage occur quicker than your contract signing?
Lamar Odom: Kobe, you don’t know... You got the wife, the two kids, the four titles… You MVP… Eleven time all-star…
Kobe Bryant: And two time scoring champ.
Lamar Odom: Right. I’m the sixth man. I’m a no time all-star. Khloe knows who she’s with and it’s over.
Kobe Bryant: You’re afraid she’ll leave you?
Lamar Odom: Before Hank Baskett married Kendra, he was a sixth string wide receiver.
Kobe Bryant: He still is. You should chill.
Lamar Odom: Maybe you right, but what would I do without Khloe?
Kobe Bryant: I read Tila Tequila’s single.
Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Chad Ocho Cinco’s Child Please Commentaries

Chad Johnson: Seven days since you’ve heard the platinum voice of the platinum playmaker, the voice of authority, the voice of reason, the voice of Ocho Cinco. Two days until I present a twitter surprise to the NFL. What’s the surprise? The NFL knows… They know what they get when I touch the field every Sunday. They get an icon whose celebrations are incomparable. They get an ATM machine, when they fine me. They get a role model, who works hard, does it all right, who shows the kids that if act like a star, they will be a star. And they get their very own version of Sixty Minutes, All Things Considered, Dateline, and Primetime… The Child Please commentaries…
CP Commentary One: You know President Obama love his haters, like Ocho Cinco love my hates, but Wednesday night, President Obama’s haters hated during his speech. President Obama says no illegal immigrants get health care, Ocho Cinco all good with that, but Congressman Joe Wilson, he yells out YOU LIE in the speech. Congressman Joe Wilson? CHILD PLEASE. I did a quick google search, between google searches of myself, and I see Congressman No One Knows and yellow cake. That’s the last thing Ocho Cinco need, some no one knows cracka ass cracka yellin things at our President. You yellin in the middle of the speech is like Champ Bailey trash talking me on Sunday. When I the score the six, it’s him that lie. When President Obama pass healthcare, it’s Joe No that lie.

CP Commentary Two: Brett Favre, Bret Favre, Bret Favre, Bret Favre… Ocho Cinco over Brett Favre, but now he say he may not play the whole year. CHILD PLEASE. Ocho Cinco may not either. Ocho Cinco plan to relax, get it all ready, sit out weeks fifteen, sixteen, and seventeen after Carson and I clinch the division title. It’s just like Ocho Cinco’s new favorite song… We see Miami, Brett

CP Commentary Three: According to ESPN, Brandon Marshall may sign an extension. First, Denver fires they coach. Then, they hire a teenager. Then, they trade the quarterback. Now, they hate, love, hate, love, hate, love they problem child and they match Chump Barely against the Platinum Playmaker. Denver, as an organization, they not even an organization anymore, they a University of Colorado future female kicker training academy… Denver, get a big CHILD PLEASE.

Chad Johnson: Until next time, this is Eighty-five, aka Ocho Cinco, aka the Black Mexican saying in Chad You Must Trust… Twitter Surprise!

Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Today’s Entrance Music

Ants Marching

Dave Matthews’ multihued selection intermixes insightful metaphors, saucy saxophone, and vibrant violin. Yesterday, ESPN introduced commercials with the song.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Brett Favre Tonight

For three months, Brett Favre has consumed every news cycle. In response, ESPNBF premiered this morning. Favre news and nonsense each hour… Every hour… Twenty-four hours continuous…
Mark Davis: Last night, Brett Favre completed 13 of 18 passes for 142 yards. Favre also threw a touchdown and a block that a Labrador retriever could have obliterated.

Dan Sowers: Adrian Peterson may have gained some yards and the Vikings may have won, but Favre was the story. He led three first half scoring drives and earned the Vikings their fourth touchdown pass and fourth and fifth touchdowns of the preseason.

Mark Davis: Favre’s quarterback rating was 113.7. He was not sacked. He earned one hundred and eight minutes of airtime. He also provided the Texans with their largest crowd of the preseason.
Dan Sowers: Later on Brett Favre Tonight, we’ll have an extended report on Favre’s economic impact in the twin cities. For now, Natalie Alex continues our coverage from Houston.

Natalie Alex: Despite a cracked rib, one which would have sidelined lesser athletes, Favre’s performance was flawless. He chatted with coaches, formed his cap’s bill for the first time this preseason, and swallowed four cups of Gatorade, more than any other offensive starter. Back to you, Dan.

Dan Sowers: Natalie, was the Gatorade a factor in Favre playing through the cracked rib?

Natalie Alex: Dan, Vikings players were reserved concerning Brett’s Gatorade consumption. However, I spoke with two ball boys and an assistant trainer, who said hydration was key to his performance.
Dan Sowers: Besides the Gatorade and hat formation, was there anything else unique in Brett’s performance?

Natalie Alex: Dan, Brett wore a different pre-game t-shirt than his previous start. I also spoke to an unnamed assistant who said Brett listened to three different versions of the same song, whereas his first game he was forced to borrow Jared Allen’s I-Pod after forgetting his.

Dan Sowers: Have you ascertained the song?

Natalie Alex: No, I’m still working sources.
Dan Sowers: Thank you, Natalie. Ahead on BFT, you’ll meet the man who prepares Brett’s wristbands, which hold every offensive play. Mike Reese will highlight Brett’s relationship with his chocolate Labrador Samantha. And we’ll spend some time with Brett’s daughters, as they enjoyed the Mall of America.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

From Hitler to Hillbillies: Tears Rod Addresses Allegations

According to ESPN (where news periodically interrupts Brett Favre), Michigan violated offseason practice and training restrictions. Rich Rodriguez rejected these allegations and with his tears asserted pomposity is not incompetence.

For those who don’t speak overestimated, underachieving, potentially fired coach, I’ve provided this translation…

Rodriguez: “I guess the thing that bothered me the most about the things that were recently written or said, or maybe some things in the last 18 months, was the perception that was out there sometimes that we did not care as much for our players' welfare—and that is disheartening.”

[I guess the thing that bothered me the most about the things that were recently written or said, is that everyone is saying them. No one supports us in this state, in this country… I bet even Hitler is upset and that’s disheartening.]

Rodriguez: “To say that is misleading, inaccurate and goes against everything I've ever believed in coaching. I love working with our staff, I love our players like I love my own family. My family loves our players. It's why they're at every practice. You guys that have followed us know that. That's the way [it is] throughout our whole staff.”

[To say that these allegations are one hundred percent untrue is misleading, inaccurate, and that’s why I’m crying. I love working everyone this way. I love that everyone will think I’m emotional about our staff or our players, when really I’m deflecting your attention and scoring sympathy points. It’s why I practice this every day. You guys that have followed us don’t know that.]

Rodriguez: “You know, when I left West Virginia, I didn't leave my brains and my caring for my players when I came to Michigan. We're proud of the way our programs have been run. I've been a head coach for 16 years, and we've been fortunate to have eight league championships. But more than anything else, we've graduated a whole lot of guys, and a lot of them were first-generation college students. A lot of them were great success stories. A lot of them still maintain contact with me and my staff to this day.”

[You know, when I reneged on my contract, shredded documents, and left West Virginia, I didn’t leave my brains and my caring for my players when I came to Michigan. Brains aren’t required to run an offense that a high school coach could have written on a cocktail napkin and players are expendable, so why lose sleep over them? I’ve been a head coach for 16 years, and we’ve been fortunate to win eight league championships. Never mind, I won the first four at Glenville State and the second four against competition weaker than Appalachian State opposes. But, more than anything else, we’ve graduated a lot of guys… At Glenville State and West Virginia, it was hard not to. A lot of them were first generation college students. A lot of them were great success stories. A lot of them still maintain contact with me and my staff to this day. At Glenville State and West Virginia, it didn’t take a lot to be a first generation student or a great success story. And the reason they still maintain contact, is that college football was the high point of their coal mining lives.]
Rodriguez: “So I guess I'm here to tell you that, whatever you've heard or want to believe, the truth of the matter is that this coaching staff cares very deeply about the young men in our program—always has, always will. We care very deeply about this institution. We know the rules.”

[So I guess I’m here to tell you that, whatever you’ve heard or want to believe is likely true. I’ll deflect your attention again by talking about caring and making an emphatic statement such as we know the rules. We know the rules, we don’t always follow them, and sometimes ignore them, but we know them.]

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Endorsement & Sponsorship Promotional Network

As Michael Beasley’s issues were revealed, ESPN offset his twitter and their promotion. Under “Feelin like it’s not worth livin!!!!!!! I’m done” was twitter.com/ESPNNews.

Sadly, ESPN’s insensitivity is not unusual.
E:60: As Vince Young discusses his chaotic childhood, Michael Smith interrupts the interview. Smith notes that the upcoming issue of ESPN for Kids will include an article on “how playing football helps when you feel sad.”

NFL Live: Between Brandon Marshall’s responses, Bonnie Bernstein reminds viewers that ESPN Radio 1600’s programming is presented by Bar Standard: Home of Denver’s Best Shots.
Outside the Lines: During Plaxico Burress’ initial post-sentence interview, Jeremy Schaap asks several questions about guns. The question’s contexts include several references to ESPN Outdoors programs.

Sportscenter: When Kerry Collins’ interview concludes, Mike Greenburg requests an additional segment. Collins agrees and Greenburg states that he will ask another six questions, also known as the Coors Light Cold Hard Facts.

Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Favre’s Maxim: The World Revolves Around Me

On Tuesday, Brett Favre renounced retirement again. While virtually everyone anticipated this, Vikings Coach Brad Childress appeared shocked, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which was overheard by someone relaxing in their purple number four jersey)…
Brad Childress: Why’d your change your mind?
Brett Favre: The last month was very important.
Brad Childress: You had time to clear your head and think?
Brett Favre: No… Everyone was about me.
Brad Childress: I don’t understand.
Brett Favre: ESPN saying how can they win without Brett. Fox Sports reporting anonymous players said I would return. Papers charting the sale of my jersey…
Brad Childress: This month was about ego?
Brett Favre: This month made you realize my importance.
Brad Childress: Brett, you’re a Hall of Famer. But, I’ll remind you there’s no I in team.
Brett Favre: And I’ll remind you there are in victories, division titles, and rings. None of which are possible without me.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Subtext of Philadelphia

On Friday, the Philadelphia Eagles introduced Michael Vick. While the snooze conference included choreographed moments (criminal, mentor, and owner in an album shot), sound bite subtext was audible and omnipresent.For those who didn’t watch ESPN or ESPN News, Vick’s responses and our translation are provided.

Question: On why he is willing to come back and not be the focal point of the offense:

Michael Vick: “I have been away from the game for two years and I’ve got to start somewhere, I’ve got to crawl before I walk. I can’t imagine going out after a two-year hiatus, going out and trying to be a starter for a football team, I just don’t think it can happen. With as much God-given abilities as I have, I don’t think that I would be able to do it. I think I could, but I wouldn’t risk it. I just need time to get my feet wet and get acclimated. I thought this was the perfect situation, perfect scenario. I can come in and I can learn from Donovan, one of the premier quarterbacks in the game, one of the best at it. Everything that he’s learned and the way he’s been polished just comes from Coach Reid. I want get with those two and do as much as I can to become a complete quarterback and I have time to do it.”

[I have been away from the game for two years and if you think I wouldn’t accept a fourth string job on the Raiders, you’re out of your mind. I can’t imagine another month of unemployment. With as much God-given abilities as I have, you see the rehabilitation, the use of God? With as much God-Given abilities as I have, I don’t think I should be unemployed. I thought this was the perfect situation, perfect scenario. I came be employed and when the fans turn on Donovan, one of the premiere whiners in the game, I’m back in.]

Question: On whether he believes there is a crime that is not deserving of a second chance:

Michael Vick: “I think everybody deserves a second chance. We all have issues, we all deal with certain things and we all have our own set of inequities. I think as long as you are willing to come back and do it the right way and do the right things and that you’re committed, then I think you deserve it. But, you only get one shot at a second chance, and I am conscious of that.”

[I think everybody, most of all me, deserves a second chance. We all have issues, Donte runs people over, Plaxico shoots himself, we all deal with certain things. I think as long as you are willing to come back and do it the right way, pretend you’re sorry, smile, act nice for some charity, then I think you deserve it. But, you only get one shot and if I mess up this act, that’s bad newz.]
Question: On whether there was a time when Vick knew what he was doing was wrong but still did it anyway:

Michael Vick: “We all use the excuse, ‘It was part of our culture.’ I don’t think that’s an excuse. I was kind of abiding by that rule at the time. As I grew older and as things started to transpire and then once I went to prison I had plenty of time to think about what I did. I’ve seen people’s reactions and I’ve been to that point that I never really cared. I won’t say I didn’t care, but I never thought about it. Now I understand people care about their animals. They care about their health, their welfare, the protection of animals and now I do. That’s why I say if I can help more than I hurt, then I am contributing. I am doing what I need to do.”

[We all use the excuse, it was part of our culture. I don’t think America will buy this answer here and on Sixty Minutes, but I’ll hope you’ll all watch as James Brown lobs me softballs. As I grew older and as things started to transpire, I knew it was wrong and then once I went to prison I had plenty of time to think wow this is wrong. I’ve seen people’s reactions and I’ve been to that point that I never really cared. I will say I didn’t care and I still don’t. I’m making millions again and what are those PETAs doing? I understand they care about their animals. They care about their health, which I don’t, their welfare, which I don’t, the protection of animals, protect them from me.]

Question: On what he plans to do off of the field and in the community to prove to the community that he is worth a second chance:

Michael Vick: “I think my actions will speak louder than my words. To be proactive and to be involved in the community, people will see that in due time. I’ve partnered up with the Humane Society and we’ve constantly been working hard to reach out to certain inner cities and certain communities to make sure that we attack the problem.”

[I think my actions will speak louder than my words. When the Eagles tell me be involved in the community, people will see that in due time. I’ve partnered up with the Humane Society, not because I needed to or I have any interest, but they are the only ones who would take my call.]

Question: On how he comes to terms with the fact that some people will never forgive him:

Michael Vick: “I understand. I would hope that they would [forgive me]. I committed an act that was cruel and it was unethical. It was inhumane, so I understand to a certain degree but our country is a country of second chances and I’ve paid my debt to society. I spent two years in prison, away from my fiancé [Kijafa], away from my mom and my family, away from my two kids and that was a humbling experience. I can’t explain how deeply hurt and how sorry I was once everything went down and I had to explain to my three kids what had happened, what had transpired, and it was because of daddy’s faults. That was the toughest thing. I asked them for a second chance to be a better father, to do the right things and to show them the way and how things are supposed to be done.”

[I would hope that they would forgive me, but they can lick my pit bulls. I committed an act and now I’m back in the NFL. I spent my two years in prison and I’m out and if Philadelphians or Americans cant forgive me, I’ll live with that pain. I cant explain how much I don’t care what the public thinks. Are they in the NFL? I had to explain to my three kids that people are jealous and my sentence was ridiculous. That was the toughest thing. I asked them for a second chance to be a better father, to that end, if America can’t forgive, I’ve never cared.]

Question: On whether he has spoken with QB Donovan McNabb:

Michael Vick: “I spoke to Donovan and we talked about how we were just going to work. We are going to go to work. We are going to watch as much film as we can and we’re just going to work out as much as we can and we’re going to pull each other a long. I’m along way away from playing, so he wanted to take time with me to get me to a point where I’m ready to play.”

[I spoke to Donovan and we talked about, you can read what we said next in celebrity transcripts]

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Derrick Mason: Reality Is My Motivation

Derrick Mason has joined the Brett Favre Brigade (I quit… I’m back… I quit… I’m back)… He has chosen another season and millions over anonymity and mindlessly throwing passes to himself on Madden NFL 2010…

For those who haven’t watched ESPN, Mason’s statement and our translation are provided…
Mason: “It was a tough decision, but I think it was a good decision for me to come back. I needed to evaluate my life, football and my career. I still have an intense fire inside me, and I want to play. … I felt like I had left something undone, and I wanted to finish it. I believe this is a good example for my son and my daughter on how to be thoughtful and also follow through.”

(It was a tough decision, but I realized that I could make three million on the field or nothing on my couch. I needed to evaluate my life, football, and career and when I did, I recognized that football is my career and life and no one will remember me otherwise. I still have an intense fire inside me and I say that because it makes me sound committed and you could follow it with humming and it’s still the pull quote)

Contributor: Platinum Smalls