Zanesville Pair Protest Rocky, Space

In Zanesville, Ohio, Fairfield Christian Academy Football Coach Dave Daubenmire has camped outside Congressman Zack Space’s office, stating he will remain until a healthcare town hall occurs. While Daubenmire alleges unanimous community support, seventy-three year old Walter Haggard is unimpressed.[Congressman Zack Space’s Office: Zanesville, Ohio}

Walter Haggard: Coach, why’d you do this?

Dave Daubenmire: This is the fourth quarter. We’re in a war. We could lose representative government.

Walter Haggard: I felt the same way in 67.

Dave Daubenmire: You protested Vietnam?

Walter Haggard: No, the Rocky Colavito trade.

Dave Daubenmire: How can you compare the enormous debt we’re shackling our yet to be born grandchildren with to baseball?

Walter Haggard: I sat on top my garage’s roof for five months, so that my grandchildren could someday have a winning franchise.

Dave Daubenmire: This is about what’s in that dusty old constitution I read, taxation without representation. Thousands of fans went to the park after he was traded, your voice was heard. Our voices aren’t being heard.

Walter Haggard: I never went to the ballpark once, those thousands didn’t speak for me.

Dave Daubenmire: Well, I speak for thousands and thousands of people, many of which have called and said ‘Coach, you’re so brave. I’m not brave. I’m doing my duty...

Walter Haggard: And I did my duty by sitting on that roof and do you know how many times it rained? My wife was washing my raincoats twice a week.

Dave Daubenmire: How can you compare what you did with the obligation we have to sustain representative government. Zack Space represents me and if he doesn’t give this district our voices, we might as well do away with representative government. He has a moral obligation to explain to us.

Walter Haggard: I had a moral obligation to sit on that roof. You know we were a second place team when we traded Rocky and we didn’t finish above fourth in the eight years after that. They snatched away the representative we had in the outfield.

Dave Daubenmire: Didn’t Rocky Colavito come back in 65?

Walter Haggard: Yeah.

Dave Daubenmire: Why’d you sit on the roof in 67?

Walter Haggard: Because my son said he’d never let his yet to be born grandchildren root for a team that would trade away his favorite player and that to me was the ninth inning. I had to do something.

Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

And I’m Googling

Charles Rogers

From second selection to prospective teacher, Rogers’ implosion was precipitous. His career statistics include 36 receptions, 440 yards, 4 touchdowns, two broken collarbones, and a substance abuse suspension.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

When It Comes

As college commences and cruising concludes, Tyler Hilton’s initial single is essential. This carefree summer selection evokes relationship reflection and remembrance.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Chad Ocho Cinco’s Child Please Commentaries

Chad Johnson: I’m dominating Twitter. I’m dominating U Stream. And now, since America needs a voice of reason, the voice of Ocho Cinco, I’ve decided to impart my wisdom through Child Please commentaries. I know all y’all watching every week and no one misses Hard Knocks and I shouldn’t have to explain this to you, but for those who cant flip their channel past T.O. and his friends Drama and Mama, child please is a nice way of telling someone that they mindless if they think Champ Bailey can cover the Black Mexican… Champ cover me? Child Please.”
CP Commentary One: Senator Ted Kennedy died this week and Republicans screaming that his death will be used… Used? CHILD PLEASE. Death won’t inspire healthcare… Isn’t the whole point of healthcare to prevent death? President Obama gets healthcare when he writes a bill and gets Ocho Cinco to explain that when you get sick, someone’s there for you, just like Coach Lewis is there for me.
CP Commentary Two: Did ESPN forget Ocho Cinco kicked a point? Brett Favre, Brett Favre… I knew 24/7 was comin’ up, but I thought it was about boxing… All the talk, the talk, talk, talk, talk, talk is Brett split the locker room… Some with Sage Rosenfels, Some with Tarvaris Jackson… CHILD PLEASE… If Sage Rose or Tar Jacked could win a Super Bowl, could win a purple vs. white scrimmage, you think their coach, what’s his name, Bald Coachless, would have begged?
CP Commentary Three: Late today, the Broncos, that team who traded Jay Cutler, who hired a personal assistant as head coach, they suspended Brandon Marshall. I can’t say nothing… Brandon bitched… Brandon complained… Brandon whined… Ocho Cinco never does any of those things and he especially don’t smack around a chica like she a DB I’m gonna dust on Sunday… People like Brandon, get a big CHILD PLEASE!
CP Commentary Four: Florida International won’t play in a tournament unless they play Ohio State and not North Carolina. CHILD PLEASE. What they gonna do, sit home and listen to Coach Thomas instruct them on the finer points of Stephon Marbury… And seriously, how can Florida International dictate anything to anyone? They won thirteen games… Zeke sexually harassed more Knicks employees in one month… FU, FIU, FUI, whatever, need to play who they told…
Chad Johnson: Until next time, this is Eighty-five, aka Ocho Cinco, aka the Black Mexican saying in Chad You Must Trust… Peace!

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Hitler’s Vocal Harangue

Adolph Hitler was an inhuman tyrant and war criminal. He is also an informed and passionate sports fan.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

Maria Menounos

The 2005 Cyber Vixen of the Year’s credits include Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight, One Tree Hill, and Without A Trace.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

A Public Affair

Jessica Simpson’s lyrics and rhythm were memorable. However, Christina Applegate, Maria Menounos, Christina Milian, Eva Longoria Parker, and her roller skating exceed the selection.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Mr. McMahon, CIA Clash Over Tactics

Vince McMahon’s punishment philosophy is perverse. When significant crises occur, negligible sanctions are imposed. Blatant insubordination merits marginal penance… A substance abuse epidemic merits a convenient suspension…

McMahon’s compassionate consequences have complicated his new appointment… Director of the CIA… [CIA Headquarters: Langley, Virginia]

[CIA Director Vince McMahon, Deputy Director Stephen Kappes, and Associate Deputy Director Scott White are seated inside McMahon’s office, each holding copies of a recent negative report]

Vince McMahon: This Inspector General’s report is unbelievable.

Scott White: And none of it’s kayfabe…

Vince McMahon: Would you be serious? Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was water boarded beyond what was recommended.

Scott White: Yes sir.

Vince McMahon: Who knew about this?

Stephen Kappes: The President, the Vice President, the Attorney General, our former director…

Vince McMahon: Did any of them even consider talking to him?

Scott White: Simple interrogation?

Vince McMahon: No, just talking. Ask him what he knows; offer him some extra privileges if he talks…
[Kappes and White stare at each other]

Vince McMahon: We threatened to kill his children?

Stephen Kappes: Those were our instructions.

Vince McMahon: Why we didn’t we offer him a visit with his children?

Scott White: Because Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero wont stop taking drugs if you ask them.

Vince McMahon: I resent that! Both of them had suffered years of abuse in another company. I was not responsible.

Stephen Kappes: What was responsible for Test’s overdose? Your daughter inflicting the abuse?

Vince McMahon: I had several conversations with Test, he swore he wasn’t using.

Scott White: I’m shocked.

Vince McMahon: What should I have done? A mock execution? Threatened them with a drill?

Stephen Kappes: Isn’t a drill how you got Owen Hart to scale those rafters?
Vince McMahon: No, he was presented with several options and he chose that one and that could be an effective strategy for what we’re dealing with.

Scott White: Americans don’t want prisoners in their max facilities, Vince. I doubt they’ll volunteer their sports arenas, so we can throw them off the rafters…

Vince McMahon: Who mentioned transport? We present Mohammed or one of them options; I’m sure we’ll get some information.

Stephen Kappes: And if not, two of the good guys and two of the bad guys can hug in the exercise yard.

Vince McMahon: Alright, one more thing… What’s this passage about threatening a prisoner’s family with sexual abuse?

Scott White: That fell under enhanced interrogation.

Vince McMahon: It was authorized?

Stephen Kappes: Correct.

Vince McMahon: Who thought it would work?

Scott White: We all did. Wasn’t threatening sex abuse how you talked Triple H into marrying your daughter?

Contributor: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

Franchise Fiction & The Truth

Recently, Rick Pitino has endured cynicism and slander. While his actions invited this, Pitino excoriated reporters and requested a response opportunity. Pitino will declare his indignation and I’ll respond.
Rick Pitino: What I don't understand is why you keep fostering this behavior. On a day where Ted Kennedy died, we broke into the news here in Louisville with Karen Sypher audio tapes with a detective, which had already been put out. That's a sad commentary on us… Enough is enough and everybody is tired of it. We need to get on with the important things in life like the economy and really crucial things in life like basketball. I'm asking all fans that if this is on the news anymore, and you're a fan of anything we've accomplished, to just change the channel. And if the newspapers want to write about it, then just read something else, wait for the trial and the truth will come out. This is blackmail. I was told seven months ago that if I fought it, my life would be pure hell. I went home to comfort my wife because it has been pure hell for her and my family.

Platinum Smalls: Rick, you imposter slut. Ted Kennedy is dead, but your scandal is very much alive and that’s why Fox 41 broke into their news and I’m elated they did. Enough is never enough and no one is tired of this and what’s a sad commentary is you… You renounced your moral authority when that cardinal in your pants took flight, so don’t lecture reporters on what they should cover. Don’t lecture reporters on what’s important. Reporters are not yours. You’re the reason you’re living pure hell right now and your right to dictate anything ended when you asked Karen Sypher on top a table or the bar?

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Graphic Wasteland

Epic video games inhabit our memories and narratives… Execrable video games inhabit Youtube… Anyone skeptical should observe these search results…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

And I’m Googling

Video Game Console

Since 1972, 179 models have been released. That explains our nation’s work ethic.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

In A New York Minute

I lie in the darkness. I hear the sirens wail. Plaxico went to emergency. Now, he’s going to jail.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

The Two Brets

Brett Favre is an egotistical, self-important overvalued former cornerstone. Bret Hart is an egotistical, self-important overvalued former cornerstone. Two smugger athletes are non-existent, as evidenced by the pair’s recent conversation… Brett Favre: The Minnesota Vikings called me.
Bret Hart: Curt Henning is from Minnesota and I beat him at Summer Slam ’91.
Brett Favre: The Atlanta Falcons drafted me in 1991.
Bret Hart: Atlanta and Chattanooga are 104 miles apart and I won my fourth championship in Chattanooga.
Brett Favre: I had consecutive four touchdown games in 2003.
Bret Hart: Jim Neidhart and I won consecutive matches at Wrestlemania V & VI.
Brett Favre: I’ve been a five time NFC Player of the Year
Bret Hart: I was a five time WWF Champion.
Brett Favre: I threw five touchdowns against the Vikings in 1997.
Bret Hart: I won the championship twice in 1997.
Brett Favre: I won the Super Bowl in 1997.
Bret Hart: I defeated Steve Austin, the Undertaker, and Vader in one match in 1997.
Brett Favre: Steve Austin and the Undertaker are from Texas, where I’ve beaten Houston twice.
Bret Hart: I beat Skinner at Tuesday in Texas in 1991.
Brett Favre: I threw four passes in 1991.
Bret Hart: I’ve won four United States Heavyweight titles.
Brett Favre: I had four three touchdown plus games in 2004.
Bret Hart: I had four consecutive wins at Summerslam from 1993-1997.
Brett Favre: I threw 19 touchdown passes in 1993.
Bret Hart: I won Feud of the Year with Jerry Lawler in 1993.
Brett Favre: Jerry Lawler is from Memphis, who we beat in 1990.
Bret Hart: Jim Neidhart and I won a match in nineteen seconds in 1990.
Brett Favre: My two touchdown passes won a game 19-13.
Bret Hart: I beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania 13.
Brett Favre: I had thirteen completions in a win against Tampa Bay.
Bret Hart: I’ve won thirteen singles titles.
Brett Favre: I had thirteen rushing touchdowns as a Packer.
Bret Hart: I won my first WWF title in Saskatoon, which is 1,217 miles from Green Bay.

Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

And I’m Googling

Senator Edward Kennedy
As Culture Popped stated, Senator Kennedy was an iconic triumpherant’s conclusive act. He was a democratic icon. He was an unabashed liberal. Yet, his advocacy was not adversarial. His compassion was not political. Paraphrasing his words, “Senator Kennedy need not be idealized, or enlarged in death beyond what he was in life; to be remembered simply as a good and decent man, who saw wrong and tried to right it, saw suffering and tried to stop it…”

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Generation

On Wednesday, Senator Edward Kennedy passed away. Senator Kennedy’s generation had no fear. They challenged convention. They required answers. They built a world that we can be proud of.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Shame & Betrayal Louisville

In the Southern Belles Louisville season finale, an adulterous and smarmy imposter tarnished his relationship. Isn’t it interesting when life imitates art?
[Porcini Restaurant: Louisville]

Karen Sypher: Are you sure this is alright?

Rick Pitino: The restaurant’s closed and I have the keys.

Karen Sypher: Why does every one trust you?

Rick Pitino: Why shouldn’t they? I’ve won a national championship. I’ve written two books…

Karen Sypher: You cheat on your wife…

Rick Pitino: John Edwards cheated on his wife, impregnated the other one, and ran for president... I’m immune…

Karen Sypher: What if I’m pregnant?

Rick Pitino: Make sure it’s a boy… I need a small forward…

Karen Sypher: You honestly believe you’re untouchable? I’m just Judge Katie King to you…

Rick Pitino: Katie King was an unstable whore who police investigated…

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Sing for the King: Shaq Cuts Throwback Track

Following fourteen months of silence, Shaquille O'Neal has exchanged assault rap for reflective rhythm and blues. Witness this selection

Our season’s nights were never right at a Flop House in West H-Wood
The crazy sights were constant highlights at a Flop House in West H-Wood
Where Kobe stashed his mistresses
Jeanie Buss did our dishes
And Rick Fox cursed his wife’s wishes at a Flop House in West H-Wood

Coach Jackson smoked his tribal herb at a Flop House in West H-Wood
Brian Shaw taught Slava English verbs at a Flop House in West H-Wood
Ron Harper took naps on a cot
Robert Horry practiced winning shots
And Mark Madsen danced his ass off at a Flop House in West H-Wood

Champs were made and dues were paid at a Flop House in West H-Wood
Scrubs got hazed and stars got laid at a Flop House in West H-Wood
If King and me would go out west
He’d learn how to be the best
And then he and I would teach the rest at a Flop House in West H-Wood

Ko-be… Flop House in West H-Wood
Ko-be… Flop House in West H-Wood
Ko-be… Flop House in West H-Wood

Contributor: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

And I’m Googling

Rick BognarIn 1996, this Canadian impersonated the bad guy from Chuluota, Florida. Who’s ridiculous idea was that?

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

Hate your job? Looking for a new one? Love to rock out?

Consider a career with Mischief for Hire- the region's premier temporary employment service for those of questionable integrity.

For Job Seekers: Mischief for Hire guarantees job placement in your area for specialization. We will conduct a comprehensive interview to assess your skills and abilities to cause trouble. We'll listen and evaluate as you recount your best monkeyshines, shenanigans and donnybrooks. Please bring a copy of your police record (where applicable).

For Prospective Employers: We here at MFH draw our temps from a vast pool of riffraff, degenerates, and no-good-ums. All applicants are pre-screened to ensure the highest quality of mischief. We believe that we can find just the right henchman for any job you have, no matter how small or large. Keep us on your speed dial, because wherever trouble is needed, Mischief for Hire will be there.

Contributor: The Dentist

Endorsement & Sponsorship Promotional Network

As Michael Beasley’s issues were revealed, ESPN offset his twitter and their promotion. Under “Feelin like it’s not worth livin!!!!!!! I’m done” was twitter.com/ESPNNews.

Sadly, ESPN’s insensitivity is not unusual.
E:60: As Vince Young discusses his chaotic childhood, Michael Smith interrupts the interview. Smith notes that the upcoming issue of ESPN for Kids will include an article on “how playing football helps when you feel sad.”

NFL Live: Between Brandon Marshall’s responses, Bonnie Bernstein reminds viewers that ESPN Radio 1600’s programming is presented by Bar Standard: Home of Denver’s Best Shots.
Outside the Lines: During Plaxico Burress’ initial post-sentence interview, Jeremy Schaap asks several questions about guns. The question’s contexts include several references to ESPN Outdoors programs.

Sportscenter: When Kerry Collins’ interview concludes, Mike Greenburg requests an additional segment. Collins agrees and Greenburg states that he will ask another six questions, also known as the Coors Light Cold Hard Facts.

Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge

And I’m Googling

The Beautiful Life: TBL

Ashton Kutcher is the executive producer. Mischa Barton, Elle Macpherson, and Sara Paxton headline the cast. Why would critics marginalize this show?

Contributor: Platinum Smalls

Today’s Entrance Music

Good Girls Go Bad

Cobra Starship’s signature selection is a gritty, irresistible jets and sharks anthem. The video’s vixen is every male’s obsession… The perfect girl with the bad streak.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls