Michigan Governor: Report Our Sports

According to Sports Illustrated, Detroit is overlooking their recession. Governor Jennifer Granholm shares this strategy.
[Governor’s Office: Lansing, Michigan]

[Governor Jennifer Granholm, Chief of Staff Dan Krichbaum, and Legal Director Kelly Keenan are seated inside Granholn’s office]

Jennifer Granholm: Detroit’s on the covers of Sports Illustrated and Time.

Dan Krichbaum: The cover of Time? What’s the title?

Jennifer Granholm: The Tragedy of Detroit.

[Momentary silence]

Jennifer Granholm: Every city and state is in a recession. Why one of my cities?

Kelly Keenan: It could be the thirty percent unemployment, fifty percent illiteracy, or seventy percent unsolved murders.
Jennifer Granholm: I know the statistics. Why wouldn’t either magazine spotlight the positive?

Dan Krichbaum: What’s the positive?

Jennifer Granholm: The Red Wings have made the playoffs every year since I was elected.

Kelly Keenan: Mam, the 2004 season was cancelled.

Jennifer Granholm: They’ve won the Stanley Cup, two conference and five division titles. Governor Patterson has two teams and they never win their division.

Dan Krichbaum: President Obama’s request for his resignation makes sense.

Jennifer Granholm: The Pistons have won a championship, two conference and four division titles. Charlie Crist has three teams and can’t match that.

Kelly Keenan: Governor Crist doesn’t have fifteen percent statewide unemployment and a thirty-two percent approval rating.

Jennifer Granholm: Have his baseball teams succeeded? The Tigers are winning their second division title in four years.

Dan Krichbaum: The Tampa Bay Rays won the American League last season and his state isn’t forty-ninth in young adult retention.
Jennifer Granholm: I’ve succeeded with young adults. Michigan has made three BCS Bowls since I was elected.

Dan Krichbaum: And lost them all.

Jennifer Granholm: Michigan State basketball has made two final fours since I was elected. Can Governor Strickland say that?

Kelly Keenan: Ohio State made the Final Four in 2007.

Dan Krichbaum: Mam, I understand your strategy, but how can I address the Lions?

Jennifer Granholm: Use the words hope and change. It’s worked before.

Contributor: Platinum Smalls