Press Conference Theatre: Taxi Cab Charity

On August 9, Patrick and Jason Kane clashed with a cab driver. Allegedly, the Chicago cornerstone and his cousin in crime hit the hack when he could not refund them another twenty cents.

On Monday, Patrick Kane staged this news conference.
Patrick Kane: Good morning. As many of you know, I am under investigation. While I regret these circumstances, I want to say change is important. If Chicagoans can win an election with it, Chicago’s Calder Trophy winner should receive it. I’ll take your questions.

Question: Should Chicago cabbies fear you?
Patrick Kane: Absolutely not.

Question: What if they mention your minus six versus Detroit?
Patrick Kane: I would point out that we allowed nineteen goals. Then, I would beat the crap out of them.

Question: Were your two points in the conference finals a motivating factor in the assault?
Patrick Kane: My motivation was an idiot cabbie. If conference finals performance caused crime, Duncan Keith would have killed someone.

Question: Michael Vick has partnered with the Humane Society. Do you plan any charitable activity?
Patrick Kane: Yes. I have donated $1 million to start the Kane Cab Foundation, which will encourage more American born, English speaking cabbies. Our motto will be “Speak like our forefathers, you won’t get clobbered”

Contributor: Platinum Smalls