Michael Vick Goes Green

WTF? That was the initial reaction I (along with most other Philadelphia Eagles fans) felt upon hearing that our beloved Birds had bought the beast beating bastard.

Okay, so maybe not everyone was quite as eloquent. Imagine Danny Devito yelling and throwing a beer at the television while Rocky Balboa punches through a car window. And that was just our initial reaction.The next day, after mulling it around a bit, some of us come to the realization that we the fans don't actually have a say in this decision. Nor do we have any way to convince them otherwise. What are we going to do? Boycott Eagles games? Yeah, sure, when Jim Johnson rises from the grave and tells the defense to NOT blitz.

My next thought, along with several others- all involving parodies of Who Let the Dogs Out- was that the franchise must have gotten this bum cheap. And guess what, 1.6 million is pretty damn cheap for a former star quarterback. Especially considering that its about as much as our starting quarterback makes in a month.

I then started thinking like an agent. If I were representing Michael Vick, I would have to lay down a few strict rules for him to follow in the next three years:
1) Take every single last piece of abuse you get- and don't be surprised if you get barked at by people in dog costumes. You've earned it.

2) Don't say a word- you've got to be as humble as Mother Theresa.

3) Throw yourself into every charity the Philadelphia Eagles have- and make up a few yourself. It'll look a little phony, but it can only help.

4) Stay in Philly- if you let the Philadelphia fans boo you from the city, not only will you look like the biggest pussy in the league, but you'll have to endure it all over again at your next job. However, if you can make it through the first two years, you'll have survived the gauntlet from the toughest fans in the country.
Of course, as I was discussing the acquisition with a bunch of die hard Eagles fans yesterday, not one of them admitted to being shocked at hearing the news. Everyone seems to have seen this coming months ago. As if it were their idea all along, they start planning out the season for our new ex-con. And we all eagerly await the Hawks game later this year.

As for me, I keep thinking of ways poor Michael can persuade Philadelphia to accept him. I'm thinking of a Christmas time halftime show with Vick dressed up as Santa Clause on Free Snowball Day.

Contributor: The Dentist