President, Penguini Bemoan Predecessors

According to President Obama and Cleveland Browns Coach Eric Mangini, previous seasons were unacceptable, promised success is revocable, and their predecessors are permanently responsible. When the pair discussed their contrived scenarios, their commiseration was continuous, as evidenced by this partial transcript (which we obtained from someone also looking back in anger)…
President Obama: Coach Mangini, I’ve reviewed your situation, as well as the situations of fourteen other professional coaches. I feel we share the most similar circumstances.

Eric Mangini: Because of the unrealistic expectations?

President Obama: Correct. When I instituted Cash for Clunkers, Chrysler and General Motors sold more cars in one month than all of George Bush’s second term. Some people claim that I created artificial demand. This wouldn’t have been necessary if the previous administration’s economic policy weren’t imaginary.

Eric Mangini: I understand. When the Browns went 10-6 three years ago, players appeared better than they are. Fans think this team is talented.

President Obama: Liberals think I make a speech and Guantanamo Bay closes. How can I close Guantanamo Bay when states will not accept the prisoners?

Eric Mangini: How can I improve this team when no one other than the Jets will accept the players?
President Obama: We understand each other. How could I win the Olympics after eight years of steers and fear foreign policy?

Eric Mangini: And why shouldn’t I impose rules and consequences after four years of Romeo Crennel’s nursery school?

President Obama: The previous administration left me an impossible circumstance. I should prosecute them for their enhanced interrogation torture techniques, but I need political capital for healthcare reform, which they never addressed. If Corporate W. Bush would have acted, forty-five million uninsured would be thirty-million uninsured. Then, my plan would only leave ten million uninsured.

Eric Mangini: If Phil Savage drafted character and talent, we would be 4-0. Instead, Brady Quinn and Eric Wright are on our roster?

President Obama: And Afghanistan and Iraq are on my agenda. If we hadn’t invaded Iraq, Afghanistan would be much more stable. If Afghanistan’s troops wouldn’t have been redeployed, Iraq wouldn’t be as stable. Our Commander in Charade complicated both wars and left them for me.

Eric Mangini: And Phil Savage left me with Jamal Lewis, Shaun Rodgers, and Quinn. Fans are questioning me on facebook, twitter, radio, television. Sports Talk Cleveland’s five man audience even questioned me. I forget more football than they will ever know.

President Obama: Our circumstances couldn’t be more similar. Greens want action on climate change. The GLBT wants action on civil unions and don’t ask, don’t tell. Don’t they realize I used them to get elected as my predecessors used Christians to get elected?
Contributors: Platinum Smalls & Rick Morris of the FDH Lounge